Jokes News

A recently married young Rabbi went to his congregation, informed them of his wife’s pregnancy and asked for a raise in wages that would allow him a reasonable salary.

After due deliberation, they all agreed that the increase in family size warranted the raise and informed the Rabbi.

As time went on and after 6 births in six years, a meeting was called to complain that the cost was becoming burdensome.

Addressing the congregation, the Rabbi said that having children was an act of God just like snow and rain.

From the back of the room came a voice saying, “Point of order, Rabbi. For snow and rain, we all wear rubbers.”

I was standing in a long line at the bank the other day, when an employee, noticing my nervousness, came up to me and said, “I apologize for the long wait.”

I said, “No problem, my dear, I’ve got more patience than a hospital.”

Three men are on an airplane, flying over the ocean. The aircraft is in trouble, and the captain soon comes on over the intercom and says, “Folks, we’re having some serious problems here. I want everyone to assume crash position.”

The first guy, after hearing this, he stands up and starts taking off all his clothes. His two friends see this, and say, “Hey! What are you doing that for?” and the man replies, “I’m not a very good swimmer, and if we go down into that ocean, I think these clothes will weigh me down.”

The second guy thinks for a minute, and then he stands up and starts putting the first guy’s discarded clothes ON. The other two ask him, “Why are you doing that?” and he says, “Well, I’m a good swimmer, and I think that ocean’s gonna be cold. These clothes will keep me warm!”

The third guy all of a sudden gets up and takes off down the aisle, disappearing behind a curtain. His two friends are shocked, and yell, “Hey! We have to stick together!” and so they go off after him. They pull back the curtain, and there’s their friend, putting it to a black stewardess! They yell at him, “What the hell are you doing! We’re about to crash into the ocean!” to which the man replies, “The first thing they look for after an airplane crash is the black box, and I’m going to be the first one they find!”

A boy and his girl are getting ready to go out to a rave.

The boy says, “I don’t even know why you bother with wearing a bra, it’s not like you have anything to put in it.”

“Well,” she replied “you wear briefs don’t you?”

My husband was bending over to tie my three-year-old’s shoes. That’s when I noticed my son, Ben, staring at my husband’s head. He gently touched the slightly thinning spot of hair and said in a concerned little voice, “Daddy, you have a hole in your head. Does it hurt?”

After a pause, I heard my husband’s murmured reply, “Not physically.”

–Reader’s Digest

There were these two guys who had gone to the same college
and become great friends.

During college, they had a great time. Anything that was going on, they were always right in the middle of
it.

When they graduated, however, they each went their own separate way.

Two or three years later, they ran into one another on the street.

They were very happy to see each other, and, during the conversation, one of them asked the other what he was doing for work. “I’m an undertaker,” responded the friend.

“That doesn’t sound like you. During college, you were always the one looking for excitement.”

“There is plenty of excitement in this racket,” explained the friend. “Just the other day, I got a call to pick up this stiff in a hotel room. When I entered the room, he was laying there on the bed, stark naked, with a huge erection. I didn’t want to take him out like that, so I took a hanger from the closet, and gave it a good swat…..

You want to talk about excitement. I WAS IN THE WRONG ROOM!!!”

“Public media should not contain explicit or implied descriptions of sex acts. Our society should be purged of the perverts who provide the media with pornographic material while pretending it has some redeeming social value under the public’s ‘right to know’.”

– Kenneth Starr, 1987, “Sixty Minutes”

A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store every week and buying two dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week, he would come in with the same order.

One day, the druggist felt he had to say something to the man.

“Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?”

The man looked at him in disgust and said, “I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!”

“So,” the druggist asked, what do you do with all those condoms?”

The gentleman answered huffily, “I feed them to my poodle, and now she poops in little plastic bags.”

Q: What is the first thing that goes through a bug’s mind as it hits your windshield?

A: Its ass