Jokes News

Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat. It so happened that John’s wife died the same day that Joe’s boat sank.

A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John. She said, “I am sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible.”

Joe, thinking that she was talking about the boat, said, “Heck no, in fact, I’m sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad rack in the back and a pretty big hole in front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.

I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time . I warned them that she wasn’t very good, but they wanted to use her anyway.

The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up in the middle.”

The old lady fainted.

A customer asked the waitress what the daily special was. She replied, “Boiled tongue.”

“BOILED TONGUE!” responded the horrified customer. “There is certainly no way that I would ever eat anything that came out of a cow’s mouth! That’s disgusting!! Give me three fried eggs, instead!

Why did the turtle cross the street?

To get to the Shell station.

We all know those cute little computer symbols called “emoticons,” where means a smile and is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by and respectively. Well, how about some “asscons”?

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_._) a flat ass

(_^^_) a bubble ass

(_*_) a sore ass

(_!__) a lop-sided ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that’s been around

(_O_) an ass that’s been around even more

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_o^^o_) a wise ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_13_) an unlucky ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass
..oo*”"”**oo.oo*”"*oo..
.oo*” “*o.o*” “*o.
o” ‘o” “o
o o *o
o o ‘
o o o.
o o o.
o o o o
\o/ o
o –0– o
o /o\ o
o o o
o o o
o o o
oo o oo
o
oo. oo oo ‘ooo.
.oo. ooo
“o “”oo,, ,,oO-’Oo, ,,,,,oo”o
o. “”"”"” oo “”"”" .o
‘o oo o’
*o oo o
‘o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o

You have been e-mooned!

A group of four engineers and a group of four accountants were all waiting in line to buy tickets for the train going to New York, each group going to a different convention.

Each of the accountants went to the window and bought a ticket. They noticed that only one of the engineers bought a ticket. They wondered how they were all going to ride on only one ticket.

Everyone boarded the train, and all four engineers crowded into the restroom. The ticket collector went by picking up everyone’s ticket. He went to the restroom, knocked on the door and said, “Ticket please”. One of the engineers passes the ticket to him through the door and he moves on. They then leave the restroom and find a seat.

Seeing this, the accountants plan on using this technique on the return trip from New York.

After their convention, the accountants again meet up with the engineers in the train station. One of the accountant buys one ticket for the group. They notice that the engineers haven’t bought any tickets. They again wonder how all the engineers are going to ride without ANY tickets!

Upon entering the train, the group of engineers cram into one restroom, while the accountants cram into another. One of the engineers leaves the restroom, knocks on the accountant’s restroom, and says, “Ticket please!!”

A real-estate agent was driving around with a new trainee when she spotted a charming little farmhouse, with a hand-lettered “For Sale” sign out front.

After briskly introducing herself and her associate to the startled occupant, the agent cruised from room to room, opening closets and cupboards, testing faucets and pointing out where a “new light fixture here and a little paint there” would help. Pleased with her assertiveness, the woman was hopeful that the owner would offer her the listing.

“Ma’am” the man said, “I appreciate the home-improvement tips and all, but I think you must have misread my sign. It says, “HORSE for Sale.”

The minister selected a 50-cent item at a convenience store, but then discovered he didn’t have any money with him.

“I could invite you to hear me preach in return,” he said jokingly to the clerk, “but I’m afraid I don’t have any 50-cent sermons.”

“Perhaps,” suggested the clerk, “I could come twice.”

Q. What do you call a gay dentist?

A. A tooth-fairy

(Scene 1)

KATE WINSLET: My, this is a fancy boat, isn’t it?

KATE’S WEASELLY FIANCE: Yes, it certainly is. Here is the art you asked for. It is by an artist named “Picasso.” I am certain he will amount to nothing.

KATE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our 90’s audience, because they know these priceless paintings will sink with the boat.

LEONARDO DiCAPRIO: Hello, I’m Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have seen the many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You are very pretty.

KATE: Thank you. So are you.

LEONARDO: I know. Prettier than you, in fact. I am going to put on my “brooding” face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back again and again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be soaking wet. Women will find this very attractive, even though I have the body of a 12 year old.

KATE: While you’re doing that, I will concentrate on standing here and looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until the boat sinks and people start dying.

WEASELLY FIANCE: Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even though you saved my fiance’s life. I am going to sneer at you and treat you like dirt because you’re poor, and then I’ll probably be physically abusive to my fiance, and then, just to make sure the audience really hates me, and to make sure my character is entirely one-dimensional, perhaps I’ll throw a small child into the water.

AUDIENCE: Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at least a few admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours, and plus, you’re trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so therefore we hate you! Boo! (Even though technically it is Leonardo who is coming between you and Kate. But Leonardo is handsomer than you, even though he is only 12, so we are on his side. Boo!)

(Scene 2)

LEONARDO: I’m glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat on your fiance.

KATE: So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a commitment to marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot climb into the back seat of a car (probably his) and steam up the windows together. The fact that I am the heroine of the movie will no doubt help the cattle-like audience forgive me of this, though they would probably be VERY angry indeed if my fiance were to do the same thing to
me.

AUDIENCE: Damn straight we would ! Moo! We mean, Boo!

LEONARDO: I agree. First, I would like to draw you, though, so of course you have to take off all your clothes.

KATE: But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be at all successful in say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might not stand for that sort of thing?

LEONARDO: I would be willing to bet that for the first three weeks the film is in release, every single showing at the Wynnsong Theater in Provo will sell out.

NARRATOR: According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is exactly what happened.

KATE: All right, then. (sound of clothes hitting the floor)

(Scene 3)

FIRST MATE: Captain, we’re about to hit an iceberg!

CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (sound of drinking)

ICEBERG: (hits boat)

FIRST MATE: That can’t be good.

CAPTAIN: Bottoms up!

AUDIENCE: Huh?

FIRST MATE: That was irony, you fools.

AUDIENCE: Baa! Moo! Where’s Leonardo?

(Scene 4)

LEONARDO: I have been informed that this boat is sinking.

KATE: That is terrible. And I am the only passenger that has noticed that there are not enough lifeboats! Everybody else took New Math in school.

LEONARDO: Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified-because-we’re-pretty behavior?

KATE: Certainly. (kisses him)

WEASELLY FIANCE: I’m getting the raw end of the deal here: (to Leonardo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my
morally-dubious-yet-somehow-less-annoying-than-you personality, I am going to falsely accuse you of a crime, then handcuff you to this pipe here in a room that will soon be filling with water, due to the fact that we are sinking, which I believe has been mentioned previously.

LEONARDO: Why don’t you just shoot me?

WEASELLY FIANCE: Because then you wouldn’t be able to escape and save Kate from me. Also, all of the women in the audience would get up and leave. Of course, you’re going to die anyway.

AUDIENCE: Don’t spoil it for us! Booooooo!!

LEONARDO: He’s right, though. I am doomed. It’s in the script.

AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he’s doomed!

WEASELLY FIANCE: I really hate you people.

(Scene 5)

150-YEAR-OLD-KATE: And that’s when Leonardo rescued me from my evil fiance and helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if it hadn’t been for having to rescue HIM, I could have gotten on an actual lifeboat to begin with, and not nearly frozen my butt off. Anyway, he’s pretty much dead now, and I’m well over a thousand years old, and who’s
making my supper? I need another Depends. Turn down that Enya music, it’s making my ears hurt. You kids today, with your loud music. Why, in my day - hey! Don’t you walk away from me, Mr. Snooty-Patootie Oceanologist! I’d turn you over my knee, if I could bend it. I’ll beat you in the head with this huge extremely rare blue diamond! Hey, come back here!

(FADE TO BLACK; roll credits; play annoying Celine Dion song again.)

THE END

There were two guys, Tom and John, sitting in a bar. Tom was inexperienced with women, while his friend John was a womanizer. They were just sitting there having their drinks when Tom noticed that there was a very attractive woman staring at him from across the bar. So he said, “John that pretty woman over there is staring at me what should I do?”

John said, “Wink at her.”

So Tom winks at her.

After that the woman waves at him.

Tom asks John, “She waved at me — what should I do?”

John says, “Well, wave back.”

So Tom waves back.

Next the woman lifted her shirt and showed her tits.

Tom asks, “John she just pulled out her tits! What should I do?”

John answers, “Well, show her your nuts.”

So John waves his hands on his head, sticks his tongue out and jumps around…