Jokes News

A guy runs home and bursts in yelling, “Pack your bags, honey! I’ve just won the lottery!”

She says, “Oh wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?”

He replies, “I don’t care…just get the **** out!”

I have a friend who always seemed to lean slightly to the left all the time. So I suggested he see a doctor and have his legs checked out.

For years, he refused…told me I was crazy!

But last week, he finally went and, sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was a quarter of an inch shorter than his right.

After a quick bit of orthopedic surgery, he was cured, and both legs are exactly the same length now, and he no longer leans.

“So,” I said, “You didn’t believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg.”

He just looked at me for a bit and then said,… “I stand corrected.”

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached,
they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never
before shared with anyone, not even each other.

The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. “Father,” he said, “I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage.

“His father replied, “Don’t you love this girl?”

“Oh yes, very much,” he said,” but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I’m afraid that my fiance will be put off by them.”

“No problem,” said dad, “all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed.” Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her
problem up with her mom.” Mom,” she said, “When I wake up
in the morning my breath is truly awful.”

“Honey,” her mother consoled, “everyone has bad breath in the morning.”

“No, you don’t understand. My morning breath is so bad, I’m
afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me.”

Her mother said simply, “Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you’ve brushed your teeth.”

“I shouldn’t say good morning or anything?” the daughter asked.

“Not a word,” her mother affirmed.

“Well, it’s certainly worth a try,” she thought.

The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, “What on earth are you doing?”

“Oh, my,” he replies, “you’ve swallowed my sock!”

A college professor goes to bed with his wife. Figuring that he’s not that tired, he’s decides stay awake and read while she goes to sleep. So while he’s reading, every once in a while he reaches over and tickles her on the fun spot… “Kitza kitza…”

She says, “Will you stop that! Will you stop reaching over here and teasing me like that?”

“I’m not teasing you. I’m wetting my fingers so I can turn the page.”

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, “Hey Sweetheart, how’d you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?”

Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like Pure Almond Joy! I couldn’t help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold the Snicker and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream “Oh Henry, Oh Henry!”

Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn’t be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, “Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff.” I said “Look you little Reese’s Pieces, don’t be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don’t you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit ‘O’ Honey?” (What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!) She screamed, “Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!” as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was giving it to her Good ‘N’ Plenty, when all the sudden…my Starburst!

Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped…… …..Baby Ruth!

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous “One Small step for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind” statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control.

Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark: “Good luck, Mr.Gorsky.”

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the “Good luck Mr. Gorsky” statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

A few years back, (on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded.

Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor’s bedroom windows.

His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr.Gorsky.

“Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You’ll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!”

Mrs. VanAstor was seated beside her luggage in the First Class Passenger waiting room beside the pier at South Hampton, preparing to board the HMS Titanic when a British sailor approached her with a parrot.

“Excuse me, Mum,” said the limey, “but Butch, that’s me parrot here, we wuz lookin forward to visitin the Colonies but I wuz just told they had enuff staff and I’m not needed, and Butch is terrible disappointed. Would you mind takin him with you? He wouldn’t be no trouble.”

Mrs.VanAstor graciously agreed to take Butch aboard, but the parrot, who had spoken like an English Gentleman when on shore, swore like a drunken sailor once he was on board, embarrassing poor Mrs.VanAstor and her very proper friends at every opportunity. In fact, it got to the point that she no longer allowed Butch out of the cabin, and looked forward to arriving in New York the following day.

She was preparing for bed when she suddenly began to hear screaming and staff banging on the stateroom doors, ordering all women and children into the lifeboats.

Mrs.VanAstor grabbed Butch and ran along the corridor of the heavily listing ship until she came to a doorway leading to the Promenade where the lifeboats should have been, but the last of them had just been lowered to the water. A crewman in the lifeboat saw Mrs.VanAstor and shouted to her to jump, but as she did so, she slipped and fell into the water some thirty feet from the lifeboat, where she could not be seen in the blackness of the night.

Clutching a piece of flotsam, poor Mrs.VanAstor bobbed up and down a few moments until she heard a familiar voice.

“HOW’S YER ASS?” squawked Butch, perched atop a life preserver.

Mrs.VanAstor, furious with him, shouted back “SHUT UP!!”

“MINE TOO”, screeched Butch. “MUST BE THIS ICY WATER!!”

What do a possem and the Nebraska football team have in common?

They play dead at home and get killed on the road

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a great-looking Golden Retriever female comes up to them and says, “Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.”

So the Doberman says, “I love liver and cheese.”

The Golden Retriever says, “That’s not good enough.”

The Bulldog says, “I hate liver and cheese.”

The Golden Retriever says, “That’s not creative enough.”

Finally, the Chihuahua says, “Liver alone…..cheese mine.”

There was a man from Mass
Who’s balls where made of brass
He clanged them together
As he sang stormy weather
And lightning shot out of his ass

There was a girl from McVill
Who used a stick of dynamite for a thrill
they found her vagina
on the sidewalks of China
and bits of her tits in Brazil