Jokes News

How to Lose Weight at Work Without Doing Much

Here’s the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per hour they consume.
Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75
Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100
Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150
Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50
Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25
Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight). ..50-300
Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100
Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250
Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500
Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50
Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300
Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . 75
Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200
Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25
Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350
Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225
Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25
Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750
Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75
Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160
Wrapping it up at the day’s end. . . . .12

To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:
Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50
Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300
Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90
Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25
Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350
Counting eggs before they hatch. . . . . 6
Calling it quits . . . . . . . . . . . . 2

A girl of 23 married a man of 84, and they asked her how things went after the honeymoon.

“Well,” she laughed, “did you ever try to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank?”

Census Taker: “How many children do you have?”

Woman: “Four.”

Census Taker: “May I have their names, please?”

Woman: “Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George.”

Census Taker: “Okay, that’s fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?”

Woman: “Because we didn’t want any Moe.”

Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican with a Mormon?

A: A basement full of stolen canned goods.

Big Dog is showing Little Dog around the block. Sniff, sniff. “Smell that?” asks Big Dog.

Sniff, sniff. “Sure do,” says Little Dog. “What is it?”

“Fifi’s in heat. Come on, I’ll show you what to do.”

So Big Dog shows Little Dog how to hump Fifi.

Sniff, sniff. “Smell that?” asks Big Dog.

Sniff, sniff. Sure do. What’s that?” asks Little Dog.

“Garbage. Come on, I’ll show you what to do.”

So Big Dog shows Little Dog how to raid the garbage can. Pretty soon, Big Dog goes over to the fire hydrant and takes a leak on it.

“Wait a minute,” says Little Dog. “I understand about Fifi, and I understand about the garbage, but what is this peeing on the hydrant thing?”

“Hey,” says Big Dog. “If you can’t screw it and you can’t eat it, piss on it!”

One day a girl went to the doctor’s office to get a physical. When she took off her shirt the doctor noticed an “A” imprinted on her stomach.

So, he said to the girl, “Why in the world is there an “A” on your stomach?”

The girl replied, “Well, my boyfriend came home from Arizona State College to visit me, and we got at it so hard his sweatshirt left it on my stomach.

The doctor was amazed!!

Then, the next day another girl comes in with an “M” on her stomach, so the doctor looks at her in disgust and says, “Let me guess, your boyfriend from Minnesota State came to visit you last night.”

The girl was really confused and said… “Minnesota??? My boyfriend goes to Wisconsin !!”

A guy goes into a bar with a frog on his head, and walks up to the bar.

When the bartender comes over, he says, “Hey, that’s pretty neat. Where’d you get it?”

The frog says, “I don’t know. It started out as a little bump on my butt.”

For the last 15 years Phil and Dave have car-pooled together and had lunch together and never have missed a day. One day Dave was waiting outside on the bench for Phil for lunch and Phil nevers shows up. This was not a good sign but Dave said he would wait until after work because maybe something had come up at the last minute.

So after work Dave met Phil at the car and asked him, “Where were you today at lunch?”

Phil said, “I had to go to the restroom and when I got there I pulled a muscle.”

Dave replied, “I don’t understand why were you gone for thirty minutes?”

Phil’s reply : “I had to pull it 175 times.”

Q:What is the difference between a toilet and a girl?

A: A toilet doesn’t want to cuddle after you drop a load in it.

A notorious burglar observes the day-to-day activities of an old lady who is living alone in an apartment as he waits for an opportunity to rob her place if she ever leaves. Sure enough when the old lady goes out to attend an early evening mass, the burglar goes into action and manages to break into her apartment. However, as the burglar is looking for anything to steal, the old lady unexpectedly comes back to the apartment as she forgets her rosary. When the old lady opens her door, she discovers the burglar trying to carry off her television set.

The old lady says in a stern voice to the burglar, “Stop what you’re doing!” And being a religious devotee, she quotes from the Bible, “Acts 2:38.” which she hopes will encourage the burglar to turn away from sin.

Surprisingly, the burglar stays in place and even raises his hands as if to surrender. The old lady then calmly phones the police for help.

When the police arrive, the old lady tells them what has just happened and points to the burglar still standing in place. As he is putting the cuffs on the burglar, the police officer asks the burglar, “Why did you not run away when the old lady was just quoting the Psalms?”

“What? She was just quoting the Psalms?” asks the hapless burglar. “I thought she said she had an axe and two .38s.”