Jokes News

The English language is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French Fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, two geese; so one moose, two meese?

If teachers taught, why don’t preachers praught? If a vegitarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

If you wrote a letter, perhaps you also might have bote your tongue?

Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends, but not one amend, that you can comb through the annals of history, but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all of them but one, what do you call it?

Sometimes I think all English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play, but play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on a driveway, but drive on a parkway?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requieted love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who are spring chickens who actually would hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn’t a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

(compliments and credit to Tony and Heidi)

Here are three of the latest blonde inventions.

1. A wooden BBQ
2. An ejecter seat on a heli-copter
3. Air-Conditioning on a moter bike

“Did you hear what happened?” Jim asked, when he saw me walking down the hallway at work.

“Hear what?” I asked, my curiosity peaked.

“The Regional Vice President died this morning!”

“What?!!” I asked, totally stunned. “What happened?”

“He was working through lunch when he had a heart attack,” Jim began explaining. “Everyone was gone except his secretary. You know the one.”

“Boy, do I! She’s that young blonde babe.”

“Yeah, that’s the one. Turns out she isn’t too smart, though.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“He kept yelling at her to ‘Call 911.’” She just stood there waiting for him to give her the rest of the phone number.”

A primary school teacher decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put up their hands if they knew the correct sound.

“Who knows what sound a cow makes?” she asked.
Cindie put her hand up and said “Moooo!”

“Very good,” replied the teacher, “What sound do sheep make?”
“Baaa,” answered Jimmy

She continues like this for a while.
Then she asked, “What sound does a pig make?”

All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response.

She chose Little Johnny at the back of the class.

He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed,
“Up against the wall mutha-fucka!!!”

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly calls her and urges her to go get back into the world.

Finally, Sadie agrees to go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, “Mama! I have someone for you to meet.”

Well, it was an immediate hit! They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what THAT means.

One room and the normal follow up to that. Their first night there, she undresses. There she stands– nude except for a pair of black, lacy panties. He, in his birthday suit, looks at her and asks, “Why the panties?”

She replies, “My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there, I am still in mourning.” He knows he’s not getting lucky that night.

The following night, the same scenario. Her standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit…except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom.

She looks at him and asks, “What’s with this…a black condom?”

He replies, “I’m going to offer my condolences.”

Q- What is the Difference between a Fox and a Dog?

A- About 5 Drinks

Yo mamma so stupid, that she got locked in Food Mart and thought she was going to starve to death!

Classroom scene:

The teacher walks into her fifth grade class and says: “OK children, today we will not use the textbook.” All the children were happy, especially those who didn’t get their homework done.

Teacher goes on to say, “Today we will be talking about colours, and we will use our imagination to talk about colours. Can anyone tell me a story about colours?”

An Irish boy raises his hand and starts “My daddy is a policeman and he wears a BLUE uniform, he carries a BROWN briefcase to work and he loves my mommy, especially when she’s wearing that nice RED blouse”.

Teacher says, “Splendid John, well done, anyone else?’

An Indian boy stands up and starts, “This marning ven I vas atahome, I vas vaching tele vhen de fone ring, GRIIN GRIIN, so I be saying, YELLOW can I be helping yooo, no vhan vas dare, so I be putting down the phone, PINK. Thank you for my story.”