Jokes News

Yo mama so damn fat, when she went to Sea World, they paid her!

1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, “May I borrow a highlighter?”

2. Say, “uh oh, I knew I shouldn’t have put my lips on that.”

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, “Dang, this water’s cold.”

5. Drop a marble and say, “Oh crap! My glass eye!”

6. Say, “Hmmmm, I’ve never seen that color before.”

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of six feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, “Now how did that get in there?”

9. Say, “Humus. Reminds me of humus.”

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbor’s while yelling, “Whoa! Easy boy!”

11. Say, “Interesting…more floaters than sinkers.”

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall of your neighbor. then say,
“Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?”

13. Say, “C’mon Mr. Happy! Don’t fall asleep on me now.”

14. Fill a balloon with cream corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.

15. Say, “Boy, that sure looks like a maggott.”

16. Say, “Dang, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?”

17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

18. Before you un-roll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your “Cross-Dressers Anonymous” newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, “Peek-a-boo!”

20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing “Born Free.”

At church service one night, the congregation held a special prayer service for a lady that was having complications with her pregnancy. She was told that she was to have the baby later that evening. At the end of the service, one of our teenagers led the closing prayer. In the prayer, he said this: “… please be with the family that is having complications with their pregnancy. We pray that everything will come out alright….” You could almost feel the pews shaking with laughter.

Mary is in a barn playing with matches when all of the sudden the barn catches on fire and burns to the ground.

Mary goes inside to tell her mother. Her mother says,” Just wait until your father gets home!”

Mary just laughed and laughed, because she knew her father was in the barn.

During a staff meeting on the last working day of 1999, a manager was discussing the company’s preparedness for the Y2K roll-over. Worried that the company’s computers may fail when the year becomes 2000, the manager is requiring every engineer to report to work on first day of January to make sure the computers will not go crazy.

His blonde secretary, who was taking down the minutes of the meeting, suddenly raised her hand excitedly and asked if she could make a suggestion.

The manager said, “Go ahead.”

“If our computers are going to go crazy on January 1st,” said the blonde. “Why don’t we just unplug them until January 2nd?”

The other day I read that a man was arrested for animal necrofelia. How do you plead in that case?

“Gee your honor, I didn’t know the cat was dead when I was fucking him.”

At the beginning of the children’s sermon, one little girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress.

As the children are sitting down around the pastor, the pastor leans over and says to the little girl, “That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?”

The girl replies almost directly into the pastor’s clip-on mike, “Yes…and my Mom says it’s a bitch to iron.”

What do you call a Japanese car thief?

Tony Tokamoto!

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one particular drummer. He had talked and talked and talked with this drummer, but his performance simply didn’t improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, “When a musician just can’t handle his instrument and doesn’t improve when given help, they take away the instrument and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer.”

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: “And if he can’t handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.”

Recent Christmas Time Rumors…

–Frosty has vehemently denied any contact with a local snowblower.

–Rudolph works off season blinking his red nose for whore houses.

–A scorned Mrs. Claus blows whistle telling Federal Aviation Administration that Santa has been flying over loaded for years!

–Under aged elves who work in Santa’s sweat shops will be aired on Jerry Springer.

–Christmas Carol’s Scrooge sues PBS when Wishbone bites him on the ass.

–South Park kids will duct tape Santa and video tape themselves giving him a cookies and milk enema.

–Grinch will not only steal Christmas, but he’ll drop a rabid Furby down your skivvies.

– An alternative movie of “It’s A Wonderful Life ” to be played by Charlie & the paroled Manson family.

–Kermit may appear on “Law and Order” key suspect for a missing Miss Piggy while having been pulled over for a roast pork breath of 2.5.

–Popeye’s shocking Christmas gift is when he finds out Olive Oyl is his transvestite brother.