Jokes News

Q. What’s the difference between a dry cleaner and a lawyer?

A. The cleaner pays if he loses your suit. A lawyer can lose your suit and still take you to the cleaners.

A guy goes to see the doctor, because he’s been a little too well endowed, shall we say. In fact, it’s 25 inches long. Can’t get any women to have sex with him. No men either, one would think. Anyway, the doctor says there’s nothing he can do medically, but sends him to see a witch that he thinks might be able to help.

Witch takes a look at the problem (yikes!) and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. “Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you’ll be 5 inches shorter.”

Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest, as anyone in this sort of joke would. Finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log.

“Will you marry me?” he calls to the frog.

Frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, “No.”

Guy looks down, sure enough, he’s 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great, he thinks — let’s try that again.

“Will you marry me?” he asks the frog.

Frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, “No!”

Twitch — the guy’s down to 15 inches. Well that’s still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect.

So he calls across again, “Will you marry me?”

Frog yells back, “Look - how many times do I have to tell you? No. No. NO!”

This man walks into the patent office, places an apple on the desk and says, “I want to patent this apple.”

The patent officer informs him that he can’t get a patent on an apple. The gent says, “Taste it.”

The officer tastes it and with mild surprise states, “It tastes like an orange. Unfortunately, it still can’t be patented.”

Not willing to give up yet, the man asks him to turn it around and taste the other side. The patent officer turns it around and takes a bite out of the other side.

Slightly more surprised he exclaims, “It tastes like a lemon. But I’m sorry, it’s just not original enough. Maybe if it tasted like pussy….”

So the man walks out somewhat dejected.

About the same time the next year he walks in to the patent office again and sets another apple on the desk. He exclaims, “I did it! Taste this apple.”

The patent officer takes a bite out of the apple and immediately spits it out screaming, “This apple tastes like shit!”

The inventor says, “No, turn it around.”

CLINTON TRAGEDIO AMERICANO

(Program notes translated by Rodgers Wood)

Cast of Characters:
Bill Clinton, tenor - philandering President of the United States
Hillary Rodham Clinton, soprano - his long-suffering wife
Monica Lewinsky, soprano - a conniving little White House intern
Ken Starr, basso - puritanical special prosecutor
Henry Hyde, basso - a true believer congressman
Linda Tripp, contralto - double-crossing friend of Monica’s
Paula Jones, contralto - a wild woman from Arkansas
Sam Donaldson, baritone - a television news reporter

The Basso Cabal
Richard Mellon Scaife - radical right-wing newspaper publisher
Newt Gingrich - a foot-in-mouth specialist
Pat Robertson - fundamentalist minister
Bill McCollum - another true believer congressman
Tom DeLay - a third true believer Congressman
Trent Lott - Senate Majority leader

The Media Chorus
The Chorus of Lawyers

Act I

Bill Clinton has been elected President of the United States by an overwhelming margin. The Republicans are angry and are trying to regain power.

As the curtain rises, the Basso Cabal is meeting with Ken Starr with the object of finding a way to remove Bill Clinton from the Presidency. The opening chorale “We Must Find a Way” (Creato Grandissimo Flooza Scandala) is sung as a sextet. In an impressive recitative, Scaife sings “Where Will We Find a Helper?” (Dredgi Uppa Un Grande Bimbo). The six exit.

Paula Jones enters stage right, holding a mirror, and begins singing the plaintive, “Why Can’t I Find a Man?” (Mi Schnozze Es Humongo). Tom DeLay and Newt Gingrich enter from stage left. They see Paula and sing the duet, “Why Not Her?” (La Flooza Perfecto). They meet and invite Paula to a small cafe where they hatch their plot in hushed tones. Paula tells them of her meeting with Clinton in a hotel years earlier and how her fortunes have collapsed since then. DeLay and Gingrich offer to help. They sing the aria “Your Luck Has Changed” (Nose Jobbo e Molto Rewardo).

Act II

The Cabal reconvenes with the news of Paula’s revelations. They sing in jubilation, “We Must Tell the World” (Phono E Tabloido). The rear curtain raises to reveal the Chorus of Media who sing the chorale, “Tell Us More, But Only the Truth” (Sexua Scandala Hypo Per Sweepi).

Gingrich enters with Pat Robertson. They sing the duet “He Must Go” (Hypocritti Pious Crappola). Robertson offers to donate time on his television program to expose the charges. At the Cabal’s suggestion, Paula initiates a lawsuit. The Jones scandal becomes the topic of conversation throughout the country. The Chorus of Lawyers enters from the right to sing the jubilant grand chorale, “We Must Do Our Duty” (Multi, Multi Grande Moola). Ken Starr meets with the Basso Cabal to plan the next steps. They sing the aria, “We Will Save the Country” (Sleazi Connivo). Starr promises to convene a grand jury which will send charges to the Congress. He sings “The Truth Will Be Known” (Whitewater Non Starto, Probo La Flooza Epidemico). The Chorus of Lawyers sings a reprise of “We Must Do Our Duty” as the act ends.

Act III

Linda Tripp enters the stage arm in arm with Ken Starr. She is wearing a headset. She is singing “Monica Is My Dearest Friend” (Io Sono La Wickedo Witchini Occidenta). She tells Starr about the secret tapes that she has made of conversations with Monica Lewinsky. Starr takes them from her and sings, “We’ve Got Him Now” (Presidente Droppo Pantalone).

Starr hurries off to the Grand Jury to call Monica as a witness. Monica enters the grand jury room where the Chorus of Lawyers ask her questions. They sing the recitative, “How did it happen?” (Panti Thongo, La Flasha?). Monica replies in the long passionate aria, “We Were Meant For Each Other” (Non Smoko El Producto, Phalli Symbolo).

In the third scene, Hillary and Bill are sitting in the Lincoln Bedroom discussing the revelations about Monica. Hillary sings, “I Will Stand By You” (Su Jerchino Estupido, Mi Removo Su Equipmento). Bill replies with “She Was the Only One” (Non Counti Gennifer, Paula, Plusi Multi Bimbo Forgetto). They embrace.

Act IV

Sam Donaldson is interviewing Henry Hyde in the Capitol Building. The Chorus of Lawyers hum in the background. Hyde sings the aria, “We Believe in Something” (Impeacho Hippi Bastardo). Donaldson sings a recitative in answer, “We Only Want the Truth” (Toupee Eslippo).

The great trial begins in the Senate. Trent Lott reacts to public opinion polls showing that the president has 76% approval ratings. He sings the poignant aria, “What is Right is Not Popular” (Parta Republico Committi Suicidio). The Chorus of Lawyers sings the chorale, “Principles Come First” (Mi Adulteri Non Counto). With great flourish, Henry Hyde, Bill McCollum and Tom DeLay stand before the Senate to present their case. They sing the somber trio, “How Can You Not Convict? (Evidensi Multi Flimsioso).

Finally in a moving chorale, the Chorus of Lawyers sings “For the Good of the Nation, We Must Acquit” (Senatori Non Stupido). After the vote is announced, Henry Hyde, Tom DeLay, Trent Lott and Bill McCollum leave the Senate Chamber singing the grand quartet “We Still Know the Truth” (Wasto Multi Millioni) as the act ends.

Epilogue

The president sings the contrite aria, “I Am Very Sorry” (Revengo Futurini) as the Chorus of Media circles him shouting their questions. They sing, “Who Will Now Believe Us?” (Publico Disgusto Con Medio). Monica Lewinsky crosses the stage with her new literary agent, Ken Starr. They sing, “It is Still Not Over” (Publishe Grande Bookino, Getti Richino) as the curtain falls.

FINI!

They found a cure for mad cows disease:

A box of chocolate and a dozen roses

One day, not tooooo long ago, Hercules, Sleeping Beauty, and Wilt Chamberlain were arguing with each other on a riverbank.

Hercules said he was the perfect person because he was the stongest on earth. Sleeping Beauty said she was because she was the most beautiful. Wilt said he was because he slept with the most women.

So the 3 go to some Guru to ask who the perfect person was. Hercules said, “Ha! He said no one is perfect, but I AM strongest on Earth!!”

Sleeping Beauty said, “Ha! He said no one is perfect, but I AM the most beautiful woman on Earth.”

Wilt came out, and he was pissed. He said, “No one is perfect….”

“…AND WHO THE HELL IS BILL CLINTON!?!”

Bob was sitting at the table one morning, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player known for his lack of IQ.

He turned to his wife and said, “I’ll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives.”

She replied, “Why, thank you, Dear!”

Mr. Bailey saw his son’s shiner and demanded, “Scott, who gave you that black eye?”

“No one,” replied the spunky lad. “I had to fight for it.”

Your mama is so stupid when I asked for a color t.v she asked what color.

Two Aggies went duck hunting. Days later, after having no luck, they decide to buy a couple of specially bred duck hunting dogs.

They return to their blind near the lake with their special dogs. Later that morning, ducks fly over. They don’t get any ducks. Hours pass and many ducks fly over but still, they have not killed a single duck.

Finally, one Aggie turns to the other, “Do you think we’re throwing them up high enough?”