Jokes News

Q: What is the difference between an old cat and a little kitty?

A: An old cat will bite and scratch, but a little pussy never hurt anybody.

An atheist was hunting one day in a deep woods and while spotting a deer he took aim but his gun jammed. Hearing a noise behind him he turned to see a ferocious Grizzly drooling and growling as it approached him.

He immediately fell to the ground and re-thinking his beliefs he called out:
“GOD, if you exist, please… take this bear away!

He then heard a voice from above.
“You of all people want my help? You denied me for years!”

The man hung his head then asked, “Well you are right, but if you won’t take him away will you at least make the bear a Christian?”

God was silent a second then said, “I suppose I can do that.”

At that moment the Grizzly kneeled down and said, “Thank you God for what I am about to EAT!”

Q. What does a wheat thin and a lesbian have in common?

A. A wheat thin is a snack cracker. A lesbian is a crack snacker.

While attending a party hosted by his boss, the “Life of the Party” had one drink too many and woke up with a nasty hang-over and no memory of last night’s party. So he asked his wife what happened at the party.

“As usual, you’ve made an ass of yourself before your boss,” said his wife with a smirk.

“Well, piss on him,” said the man defiantly.

“That you did and he fired you on the spot!” said the wife.

“Well, screw him!” said the man with some trepidation.

“That I did! You report to work in the morning.”

(this joke is written and told by a true COON-ASS so if you can spoke like a true CAJUN you guna like dis one real good.

(DONT WORRY ABOUT THE SPELLING!!!)

ONE TIME, FATHER THIBODEAUX WAS JUST ABOUT TO GIVE HIS TALK AT HIS CHURCH. HIS CHURCH IS USUALLY FULL, HOWEVER, DIS TIME, THERE WAS ONLY TWO OLD WOMEN IN THE PEWS.

FATHER THIBODEAUX TOLD THE TWO OLD LADIES TO HOLD ON, HE WAS COMING RIGHT BACK.

FATHER THIBODEAUX WENT TO THE BACK OF THE CHURCH AND LOOKED DOWN DE STREET AND HE NOTICE THAT AT BOUDREAUX’S HOUSE, DERE WAS CARS ON HIS LOT AND ALL AROUND HIS HOUSE. ALL DE WINDOWS WAS CLOSED AND THE SHADES WERE DOWN AND DERE WAS NO LIGHTS ON IN DE HOUSE.

FATHER THIBODEAUX WENT TO BOUDREAUX’S HOUSE AND KNOCKED ON DE DOOR. BOUDREAUX CAME TO DE DOOR. FATHER THIBODEAUX NOTICED THAT BOUDREAUX AIN’T GOT NO CLOSE ON AT ALL AND ALL DE LITES IN THE HOUSE WAS OFF. BOUDREAUX TOLD FATHER THIBODEAUX TO COME IN AND JOIN THE PARTY. FATHER THIBODEAUX HEARS ALL DE NOISE AND SEES ALL DE PEOPLE IN DE HOUSE AND DEY AIN’T GOT NO CLOTHES ON AT ALL.

FATHER THIBODEAUX AX BOUDREAUX WHAT WAS GOING ON IN DERE.

BOUDREAUX SAID “WE HAVIN’ A PARTY.”

FATHER THIBODEAUX SAID “WHAT KINDA PARTY YALL HAVIN WIT NO CLOTHES ON?”

BOUDREAUX SAID “WE HAVIN A ‘FEEL AND GUESS’ PARTY. WHY DON’T YOU JOIN US?”

FATHER THIBODEAUX SAID “WHAT YALL DOIN AT DIS PARTY?”

“WELL”, BOUDREAUX SAID, “WE ALL TAKE OFF OUR CLOTHES AND TURN OUT ALL DE LIGHTS IN DE HOUSE AND WALK AROUND DE LIVIN ROOM AND FEEL EACH OTHER UP AND DEN WE TRY TO GUESS WHO WE FEELING. COME ON IN AND JOIN THE PARTY!”

FATHER THIBODEAUX SAID, “OH, NO. I CAN’T DO DAT, I’M DE HEAD OF THE PARISH HERE AND DE BISHOP WOULD FIRE ME FAST.”

BOUDREAUX SAID, “YOU MIGHT AS WELL, FATHER, YOUR NAME BEEN GUESSED AT FOUR TIMES ALREADY!”

What is an Australian kiss like?

It’s just like a French kiss, but down under.

Little Johnny says:

“But Mummy I don’t want to run around in circles anymore!”

Mummy says:

“Shut-up! Or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor!”

Johnny paints a sign: WE MOVE ANYTHING FOR A DIME; then tells his buddy Roy to get his red wagon and both sit under a shade tree in Johnny’s front yard, waiting for business.

Kathy, across the street, is not to be outdone: WE MOVE ANYTHING FOR A NICKEL; tells Nellie to get her red wagon and both sit in Kathy’s yard.

Johnny’s pissed…how dare that GIRL? Then, a flash…and Johnny hauls Roy across the street & says, “Let’s get some laughs.”

“Say, Kathy, you move ANYTHING?”

“Give me a nickel and I’ll prove it to you.”

“Roy, give me your nickel!” He takes it and hands it to Kathy.

“What you want moved, boy?”

“Move my BOWELS!” (Johnny starts laughing.)

Kathy thinks for a few seconds and turns to her girlfriend.

“Nellie, hold this nickel while I beat the shit out of this kid.”

Two snakes were slithering along a trail.

One snake asked the other, “Hey, are we poisonous?”

The other one said, “I don’t know, why?”

He exclaimed, “I just bit my lip.”

Apparently a Minuteman missle crew has painted the massive concrete door atop one of their ICBM silos to look like a pizza box. It has the logo:

“Delivery anywhere in the world within thirty minutes, or the second one’s free.”