Jokes News

Once there was a rich man that had a wife that hated to cook. She ask her old man if she could have a chef. He told wife ok and hired a french chef. Everything he cooked was awful. The man complained to his wife but she said to give him a little more time.

Mad about everything being bad, he went home to fire the chef. When he got home he found the chef giving his wife oral sex. He yelled out, “Get out of my house! I gave you a good job - what do you do but fuck up everything I have to eat and eat up everything I have to fuck!”

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, “And what starting salary were you looking for?”

The Engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a package
of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and
dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?”

The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you
kidding?”

And the interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”

“Oh God,” sighed the wife one morning, “I’m convinced my mind is almost completely gone!”

Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, “I’m not surprised: You’ve been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!”

Bobby was so excited about his first day at school that only a few minutes after the first-grade class had begun, he realized the he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.

So Bobby raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course, the teacher, Miss Adams, said yes but told Bobby to hurry back.

Five minutes later, Bobby returned, looking more desperate than before. “I can’t find it,” he explained.

Miss Adams drew a little diagram of the route to the washroom for Bobby and sent him on his way again.

A few moments later he returned, looking more upset than ever. “I can’t find it,” he cried.

This time, Miss Adams sent Tommy with Bobby to show him exactly where the bathroom was. They returned together five minutes later.

“Well, did you find it this time?” said Miss Adams.

Tommy replied, “Oh sure…Bobby just had his underwear on backwards.”

A Texan visiting Vermont asked a farmer how large an acreage he cultivated. The Vermonter said, meditatively, “Oh, it’s quite large. My farm extends for about a hundred yards in that direction and for nearly a hundred-twenty yards in that. And how large an acreage do you handle?”

The Texan could not help but smile. “Back home, ” he said, “I have a ranch with my house at one end. I can get into my car at the house early in the morning, turn the ignition, step on the gas, and at the end of the day, still not have reached the other end.”

The Vermont farmer nodded sympathetically. “Tough! I once had a car like that, too.”

A young man walks to a bus stop in the afternoon and sees an older gentleman smelling his finger while repeating wee wee wee. The next day the same young man sees the same older gentleman doing the same thing. The young dude says ” I got to ask this guy what’s up with the wee wee wee shit”.

The older man says: “Well, every morning I finger my wife and at this time of day it smells great!”

So, the next day the young man walks over to the bus stop. However, the old man was already on the bus. The young guy yells from the bus stop “hey old man” just then he smells his entire arm and says whooooooooa!!.

History of ‘Giving the Finger’…

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers.

Without the use of their middle finger, they would be incapable of fighting in the future using the longbow. This famous weapon, the longbow, was made from the native English Yew tree. The act of drawing the longbow was known as “plucking the yew” (or “pluck yew”).

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, “See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!”

Since ‘pluck yew’ is rather difficult to say (like “pleasant mother pheasant plucker”, which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative “F”, and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate erotic sexual encounter.

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as “giving the bird”. And yew thought yew knew everything!

A doctor arrives for his first day at work at a given hospital. The Chief of Staff shows up to welcome him and to give him a tour of the facilities.

After touring most of the hospital, the new doctor is taken by the Chief of Staff in an elevator to the basement of the hospital. They exit the elevator together and as they begin their walk through the corridor, the new doctor notices rooms with huge windows.

As the Chief is talking, the new doctor looks away and glances at one of the windows and notices a patient masturbating FURIOUSLY. He stops and asks the Chief, “Doctor, what is the matter with that patient?”

The Chief looks at the window and replies, “Oh, that patient was diagnosed as having a sperm pressure build up and he is doing his best to relieve the pressure.”

The new doctor says, “Oh…Okay…” and the tour continues. The two physicians continue their walk and conversation when the new doctor looks away and notices that through yet another window, he sees a patient getting oral sex from a nurse.

The new doctor then stops in his tracks and says, “Doctor, excuse me but what is the matter with THAT patient?”

The Chief stops, looks through the window and replies, “Oh, that patient has the same sperm build up problem, but he has better insurance.”

COMPUTER VIRUSES

Woody Allen Virus
Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.

Tonya Harding Virus
Turns your BAT files into lethal weapons.

Paul Revere Virus
Warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\.

Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus
Instantly turns 1 K of disk space into 1 Meg.

Ollie North Virus
Plays a patriotic WAV while it shreds your files.

Joey Buttafuoco Virus
Only attacks minor files.

Lorena Bobbit Virus
Your hard disc turns into a 3.5 floppy.

Ronald Reagan Virus
Saves your data, but forgets where it’s stored.

Jane Fonda Virus
Attacks your hard drive’s FAT.

Oprah Winfrey Virus
Your 200 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80 MB, and then slowly expands to 300 MB.

AT&T Virus
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI Virus
Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T Virus.

Politically Correct Virus
Never calls itself a “virus,” instead refers to itself as an
“electronic microorganism.”

Ross Perot Virus
Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus
Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.

Government Economist Virus
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Federal Bureaucrat Virus
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

Adam and Eve Virus
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.

Congressional Virus #1
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Congressional Virus #2
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish anything.

Airline Virus
You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Freudian Virus
Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend’s hard drive.

PBS Virus
Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Jimmy Hoffa Virus
Your programs can never be found again.

LAPD Virus
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in “self-defense.”

One day I asked my blonde friend a math question.

I asked her, ” If there are five fish in the ocean and three drown, how many are left?”

She answered, “There are two left, right?”

(For you blondes: fish don’t drown!)