Jokes News

Q: Do you know Micheal Jackson has his own candy bar out???

A: Its Choclate With White nuts

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. “Where are you hurting?” asked the doctor.

“You have to help me, I hurt all over,” said the woman.

“What do you mean, all over?” asked the doctor, “Be a little more specific.”

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, “Ow, that hurts.” Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, “Ouch! That hurts, too.” Then she touched her right earlobe, “Ow, even THAT hurts”, she cried.

The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked, “My diagnosis is that you are a natural blonde.”

“Why, yes, but what does that have to do with my pain?” she asked.

“You have a broken finger.”

A programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”

The programmer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.”

Again the programmer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”

The programmer said, “Look I’m a programmer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool.”

A man was relaxing in his back garden, sitting in the shade, sipping a beer and listening to the radio.

As he chilled out, his wife struggled with a manual mower, pushing it up and down the large lawn, sweating and red-faced. The man’s next-door neighbor from England saw the woman battling with the mower and shouted across the fence, “You pathetic excuse for a man! You’re just sitting there sipping your beer while your poor wife cuts the grass. You should be bloody well hung.”

“I am,” the man shouts back, “That’s why she’s doing the grass.”

There were three moles in a hole. The first mole stuck his head up and said, “I smell bacon”.

The second mole stuck up his head and said, “I smell sausage”.

The third mole stuck up his had and said, “I smell mole-asses”.

What did the Mexican say when the two houses fell on him?

He said, “Get off me, homes!”

A pipe burst in a lawyer’s house, so he called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the lawyer a bill for $600.

The lawyer exclaimed, “This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a lawyer!.”

The plumber quietly replied, “Neither did I, when I was a lawyer.”

“That wife of mine is a liar,” said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.

“How do you know?” the friend asked.

“She didn’t come home last night and when I asked her where she’d been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley.”

“So?”

“So she’s a liar. *I* spent the night with her sister, Shirley.”