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What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lick-a-lotta-pus

A traveling salesman rings the doorbell and 10-year old Little Johnny answers holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. The salesman says, “Little boy, is your mother home?”

Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, “What the hell do you think?”

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.” He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached
her again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.” Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went into the club house where he
saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the
bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show
my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady …. well, I am in sales also. What do you sell?”

She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.”

“No I wouldn’t,” he said and persisted that she tell him
what she sold.

“Well if you must know”, she answered, “I sell Tampax.”

With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he
almost lost his breath. She said, “See I knew you would laugh.”

“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied, “I’m a
toilet paper salesman, so I’m still a hole behind you!”

A very popular girl went to her doctor and found out that she was pregnant. The doctor knew her reputation around town.

He asked her, “I know that you are not married! Do you know who the father of this baby is?”

The girl thought and then asked, “Doc, if you ate a can of baked beans, would you know which bean made you fart?”

Guys, if you happen to live in an apartment building and have some comely youg ladies living right next door to you, here is a “tried & true” way to get their “attention,” and maybe their companionship.

First get some pornographic videos, where the gals are very loud “moaners”.

Next, RECORD the “moaning soundtrack” onto a continuous-loop audio tape cassette. Make sure the loop tape lasts about 30 minutes before repeating itself. You may have to splice different moaning scenes together, to achieve this effect. After you’ve done that, you are ready to impress the females next door.

Turn your stereo speaker(s) toward the wall that you and your female quarry share in common. Place the speaker(s) directly against the wall and adjust the volume to allow for the wall’s thickness.

Begin playing the pornographic soundtrack in the evening hours, when you know for a fact that your intended is not only home, but is ALONE (or with her girlfriends).

The continuous sounds of a woman having multiple orgasms for hours and hours will pique the interest of the feamle(s) next door. They will have no other choice, but to conclude that you must be one FANTASTIC LOVER. More than likely, you will find that they just “happen” to be at the laundromat the same time as you, or are taking their trash to the dumpster when you are. Let them initiate any conversation and TRY to blush, should they comment about your “guests”. Be sure to apologize profusely and say things like, “She’s kinda hard to control, sometimes.”

IMMEDIATELY discontinue this ploy, should one of the ladies say, “I didn’t know human females had a VOLUME CONTROL.”

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Girls Raised in the South

Two women, a Southern Belle and a Northerner, are sitting beside each other on a plane. The Belle turns to the other and drawls, “Where are y’all from?”

The other women replies, “I’m from a place where we do not end our sentences in prepositions!”

A long silence ensued. Finally, the Belle asked, “Where are y’all from, Bitch?