Jokes News

How do you starve a Mexican?

Hide his food stamps under his work boots?

One day a straight man was hitch hiking. A car with two gay guys pulled up to pick him up. After a few miles one of the gay guys farted, “Pssst”. Then the other gay farted, “Pssst”.

Then the straight guy farted, “Pffffft”.

Then they said to him, “You must be a virgin.”

A state trooper pulls over a blonde on a lonely back road
and says, “Ma’am, is there a reason why you’re weaving all
over the road?”

The woman replied, “Oh officer, thank goodness you’re here!
I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree
right in front of me. So, I swerved to the left and there
was another tree in front of me. Then, I swerved to the
right and there was another tree in front of me!”

The officer reached through the side window to the rear
view mirror, and explained, “Ma’am… that’s your air
freshener.”

A blonde is driving down the road. She notices that she’s low on gas, so she stops at the next station. While she’s pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So, when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so she can attempt to open the door herself.

She goes outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant goes outside to see how the blonde is faring.

The blonde is moving the hanger round and round, while the blonde inside the car is saying, “A little more to the left…a little more to the right!!”

A policeman stops a car going the wrong way on a one way
street. As he gets to the car he notices the driver is quite
drunk.

The cop asks the drunk, “Hey buddy, where the hell do you
think you’re going?”

The drunk replies in a slurred answer,” I don’t know, but I
must be late cause everyone else is coming back.”

Two guys are sitting at a bar drinking beers, and eating peanuts.

One guy turns to the other and says, “You want to play bar football?” The other guy replies, “Sure I’m up for it, but how do you play?”

“Well what you do is this. First you eat a handful of peanuts and chug down a beer to score a touchdown, and then you have to pull down your pants bend over and fart for the extra point. Each of us takes turns until we have a winner.”

The other guy agrees to the rules, and they begin play.

The first guy eats a handful of peanuts, chugs a beer, and yells out, “TOUCHDOWN!” He then drops his pants bends over and farts, proclaiming, “The extra point is good!”

So the second guy grabs his handful of peanuts, eats them, and then chugs a beer. He too yells out, “TOUCHDOWN!!!” He then drops his pants and bends over to fart.

The other guy runs up behind him and sticks his dick in his ass and starts yelling, “Block That Kick, Block That Kick!”

Jack and Terry were talking one day in the company lunch room. Jack confessed that he had recently been having trouble with women. He asked Terry, who always seemed to have a date, what was his secret to finding women willing to go to bed. Terry said the secret was poetry. Jack said that poetry was for sissies. Terry disagreed and stressed how poetry had made him very successful with women.

Jack: “OK, I’ll give it try. What should I say?”

Terry: “You need to say something about their hair, then compare their eyes to some animal, then explain to them the way you want to make love to them.”

Jack: “Give me an example.”

Terry: “Curly blond hair and eyes like a dove. I want to take you home and make sweet love.”

Jack: “OK, that sounds easy, I’ll give it a try.”

The next day, as Terry walks into the company lunch room, he sees Jack. Jack’s head is swollen & covered with bruises.

Terry: “What happened to you?”

Jack: “I tried your fuckin’ poetry, that’s what happened!”

Terry: “What did you say?”

Jack: “I took your advice, I said something about her hair, and compared her eyes to an animal, then explain to her the way I wanted to make love to her.”

Terry: “And it didn’t work?”

Jack: “Hell, no it didn’t work… look at me. She beat the shit outta me.”

Terry: “Let me hear your poem.”

Jack: “Nappy haired bitch with eyes like a frog. I wanna bend you over and screw you like a dog.”

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning?

They don´t have balls to scratch.