Jokes News

1.At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you’ll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.

2.Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.

3.Wipe your nose on your date’s sleeve. Twice.

4.Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.

5.Repeat every third third word you say say.

6.Give your claim to fame as being voted “Most Festerous” for your high school yearbook.

7.Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.

8.Stare at your date’s neck, and grind your teeth audibly.

9.Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don’t know what they are talking about.

10.Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.

11.Order a bucket of lard.

12.Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.

13.Howl and whistle at women’s legs, especially if you are female.

14.Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.

15.Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves.

16.Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, “Pomme de terre.”

17.When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.

18.Without asking, eat off your date’s plate. Eat more from their plate than s/he does.

19.Drool.

20.Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.

21.Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.

22.Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head
waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her “What in the hell took you so long in the restroom?!?”

23.Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.

24.Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.

25.Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.

26.Ask your date how much money they have with them.

27.Order for your date. Order something nasty.

28.Communicate in mime the entire evening.

29.Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.

30.Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.

31.Hum. Loudly. In monotone.

32.Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements… i.e anything on the table that isn’t bolted down.

33.Hold a debate. Take both sides.

34.Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.

35.Auction your date off for silverware.

36.Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.

37.Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you “never got”. When the waiter returns with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.

38.Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.

39.Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use good judgement in editing to twist their words around.

40.Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.

41.Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language, or just nonsense).

42.Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.

43.If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite.

44.Bring 20 or so candles you, and during the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.

45.Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you’re taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it’s a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.

46.Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.

47.Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills.

48.Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a simliar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.

49.Accuse your date of espionage.

50.Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.

51.Don’t use any verbs during the entire meal.

52.Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to pay the bill.

53.Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.

54.Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you’ve brought along.

55.Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill. Oh yeah…. #

56…

57.Make sure your entire outfit was purchased at the Clemson University Bookstore. The colors orange and purple are proven aphrodisiacs. (for elephants, whales, and hippos!)

58.Quote Beavis & Butthead…escpecially in reference to how your date would like to be pleased.

59.Listen to violent music before going out. Recite all the expletives during your meal.

60.After kissing him/her explain that you’re doing a study on the spread of mononucleosis.

61.Shoot hoops with shrimp into his/her wine glass.

62.Show up with make up on ninety percent of youre body…all lipstick… especially if you’re male.

63.Dominate the conversation. Every time your date opens his mouth, interrupt and start a new conversation.

64.Belch. Rate yourself.

65.Complain of the effects of the acid you dropped before the meal.

66.Comment that the table would look simply marvelous with a severed head as a centerpiece.

67.As you food arrives, mention how long it’s been since you last ate raw meat.

68.Count your contraceptives.

69.Stroke your thigh while commenting how much you can’t wait until the meal is over.

70.Yawn. Don’t cover your mouth. Roar.

71.When the meal is done and the question arises of whether to go someplace else, politely decline saying that you have had your fill of bad taste for the night.

There were 2 guys, and one day they found a whore house.

The 1st guy went in and then came out a few minutes later and said, “You know what, my wife is better.”

Then the 2nd guy goes in, and comes out and says “You know what, your wife IS better!”

A man was crossing a road one day when
a frog called out to him and said, “If you
kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put
it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you
kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful
princess, I will tell everyone how smart and
brave you are and how you are my hero.”
The man took the frog out of his pocket,
smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you
kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful
princess, I will be your loving companion
for an entire week.” The man took the
frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and
returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me
and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay
with you for a year and do ANYTHING you
want.” Again the man took the frog out,
smiled at it, and put it back into his
pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the
matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful
princess, that I’ll stay with you for a year
and do anything you want. Why won’t you
kiss me?”

The man said, “Look, I’m a computer
programmer. I don’t have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”

This is an imaginary situation, but it may be interesting deciding what you would do. The situation: You are in the Midwest, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised, and infrastructure destroyed.

Let’s say you’re a photographer out getting still photos for a news service, traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes.

If you were to stumble across Bill Clinton struggling to keep from being swept away in a raging river and you had a choice of rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph of the death of a President, what shutter speed would YOU use?

At the card shop, a woman was spending a long time looking at the cards and shaking her head each time, muttering, “No.”

A clerk finally came over and asked, “And how may I help you?”

“I just don’t know,” said the woman. “Do you have any ‘Sorry I laughed at your dick’ cards?”

Pilots flying heavy iron are sometimes known for their lighthearted jibes at pilots of smaller aircraft.

One day at Toronto’s Pearson International Airport, an A-340 was in line

for departure behind a Fokker F-28, an aircraft that has a tail that
splits to act as a large speedbrake. The Airbus captain was heard on
the radio, making some comment about the “cute little plane” in front of

him and boasting about the brand new jumbo he was flying.

In response, the Fokker’s fuselage speed brakes opened wide, and over
the radio a very loud, “Pbbbbbbbt!” was heard.

“I do believe we’ve been mooned!” said the A-340 first officer to his
Captain.

(Sung to the tune of the hokey pokey)

You send the inspectors in!

We kick the inspectors out!

You send the inspectors back, but we’ve moved the bombs about.

You say that Saddam’s got ‘em, but it only raises his gout!

That’s what it’s all about!

There’s this couple. He’s 87, and she’s 86. They just got married and are on their honeymoon. In the hotel room, she slips into something sexy and crawls into bed to wait for her new groom. He’s in the bathroom sprucing himself up.

She waits…and waits…’til she can’t wait any longer. She gets up and goes to the bathroom and opens the door. Peering in, she sees him bent over on the toilet trying to put on a condom. She asks, “Honey, what are you DOING?” and giggles. “I’m 86 years old and can’t get pregnant anymore.”

He looks up at her and says, “I know, but Honey, you know how the dampness affects my arthritis.”

African American guy walks into a pet store with his parrot to buy some birdseed.

He walks up to the counter, and points to the seed.

The cashier gets it for him, and while he rings it up, he says, “He’s beautiful! Where did you get him from?”

Parrot says, “In Africa. There’s millions of them!”