Live long enough to be a problem to your kids.
Money talks - but all mine ever says is goodbye.
Drag the Joneses down to your level. It’s cheaper.
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.
After all is said and done, usually more is said.
Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may cancel your Visa.
Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law.
Time may be a great healer but it’s a lousy beautician.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
It’s not the pace of life that concerns me, it’s the sudden stop at the end.
It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
Never knock on Death’s door: ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
When you’re finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
If you’re living on the edge, make sure you’re wearing your seat belt.
The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it’s open.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians… the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It’s not hard to meet expenses… they’re everywhere.
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
Never do card tricks for the group with which you play poker.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
Change is inevitable….except from vending machines.
Don’t sweat petty things….or pet sweaty things.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Money can’t buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands….
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse-it’ll be a great trade!
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.
Chastity is curable, if detected early.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don’t expect it back.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the length of the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard, and not enough chlorine either.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
Loading ...
