Jokes News

Q: What’s the definition of a yankee?

A: It’s like a quickie but you’re by yourself.

Say this joke out loud till you understand it.

I am we Todd did.
I am sofa king we Todd did.

Tom’s best friend wakes him up on sunday morning after a long night of partying and drags him to church. Despite Tom’s pleas for sleep his friend forces him to sit through the entire sermon.

As the priest begins his sermon Tom drifts asleep. The priest asks the church, “Why are we gathered here this morning?” At that very moment Tom’s friend, noticing Tom is asleep, jabs a pencil into Tom’s leg. Tom jumps up and screams “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!”

“Correct!” answers the priest. “And who is that God we have come to worship?”

Tom’s friend notices that Tom has again drifted off into a somber and stabs his leg with the pencil again. “JESUS CHRIST!!!” Tom shouts.

“Correct, my son,” replies the priest. The sermon continues and the priest begins to preach about man’s creation. Tom falls back to sleep as the priest asks his audience, “What did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their seventh child?”

Tom’s friend immediately stabs Tom again;
“DAMNIT IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING INTO ME ONE MORE TIME I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL KILL YOU!” Tom cries.

A priest went into a Washington, D.C. barbershop and got his hair cut. He then asked asked how much he owed the barber. “No charge, Father,” the barber said. “I consider it a service to the Lord.” when the barber arrived at his shop the next morning, he found a dozen small prayer booklets on the stoop along with a thank you note from the priest.

A few days later, a police officer came in. “How much do I owe you?” the cop asked after his haircut. “No charge, officer,” the barber answered. “I consider it a service to my community.” The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts on the stoop along with a thank you note from the police officer.

A few days after that, a Senator walked in for a haircut. “How much do I owe you?” he asked afterward. “No charge,” the barber replied. “I consider it a service to my country.” The next morning when he arrived at the shop, the barber found a dozen Senators waiting on the stoop.

Your momas so nasty that when she does the splits she gets stuck to the floor

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car
came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.

When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was
complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

“Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beeeeemer!!!”,
he whined.

“You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!”
retorted the officer. “You’re so worried about your stupid
BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was
ripped off!!!”

“Oh my gaaaad…”, replied the lawyer, finally noticing the
bloody left shoulder where his arm once was.

“Where’s my Rolex???!!!!”

Jack Benny was invited to visit the White House. A guard stopped him and asked what he had in the violin case he was carrying.

“A machine gun,” said Benny solemnly.

With the same solemnity, the guard said, “Oh, okay, enter. I was afraid for a moment that it was your violin.”

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, “I’m not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we really need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play.”

The player agreed, so the coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, “Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this: What is two plus two?”

The player thought for a moment and then answered, “4?”

“Did you say 4?” the coach exclaimed, excited that he had given the right answer.

Suddenly, all the other players on the team began screaming, “Come on coach, give him another chance!”

10. Child can now open your blouse by himself.

9. The kid starts burping up silicone.

8. Child has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.

7. The little one keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.

6. Child demands that you express for his cafe latte.

5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.

4. After each session, you both have a smoke.

3. Child invites his friends over for dinner.

2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to hear”Dueling Banjos.”

1. Beard abrasions on boobs.