Jokes News

A naive wife, ever the gracious hostess, was serving drinks at a party over the holidays. A friend of the couple brought his brother who had just been ordained a Priest. She offered the friend a drink from the tray and turned to the Priest and said, “I’m so sorry Father, I’ll go right back to the kitchen and bring you a Coke.”

The Priest smiled and said, “No need. I may have alcohol. Priests abstain from sex, not the grape.”

“Oh !” said the wife blushing, embarrassed. “I knew there was something I wasn’t supposed to offer you.”

Home is where the house is.

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good, because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there.

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that’s five more than the biggest number you could come up with.

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe “Don’t you think it is about time you audited my return?” or “Isn’t it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?”

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.

Humans make misteaks, which is what makes them human.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the drive before it has stopped snowing.

There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it.

If your parents did not have any children, chances are you won’t either.

I asked Mom if I was a gifted child . . . She said they certainly wouldn’t have paid for me.

Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.

I love to give homemade gifts . . . which one of my kids do you want?

A lumber jack is at the dentist’s office for a double root canal, for which the dentist insists he must administer laughing gas ans local anesthetics.

The lumber jack smiles and proudly declines the laughing gas and anesthetics and says that he can bear the pain. The dentist tells the lumber jack that the procedure is excruciatingly painful and that he has never performed it without the pain killers.

Still the lumber jack insists on not receiving the painkillers.

The dentist, his interest piqued, asks how the lumber jack can stand such pain.

The lumberjack tells the dentist that two experiences in his career have made him immune to pain. The dentist presses for more details and the lumberjack continues… “I was out cutting timber, when I had an incredible urge to relieve myself, so I went behind a tree and proceeded to do my business. But, at the point that I began to squat, I got my jewels snapped in a large bear trap! That was the first most painful experience in my life!”

The dentist then asked, “What was the second?”

The lumber jack replied, “When I got up and ran!”

I’m a Democrat
You’re a Republican
Let’s be friends.
I’ll hug your elephant,
while you kiss my ass.

A McDonald’s worker in Boston, MA was blowing up some helium balloons for a kid’s party, and as a joke, he sucked some of the helium into his lungs, and it expanded and he died.

It took them 14 hours to bury the guy, because he kept floating out of the hole.

A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other and generally did not get on.

The Scotsman owned the best chicken in the country and it laid great tasting eggs.

One day the chicken broke into the Englishman’s garden and laid an egg. The two men began arguing about who the egg belonged to. The Englishman claimed it for himself, saying “The egg was laid in my garden, therefore it belongs to me.” The Scotsman countered with “It’s my chicken, therefore I own the egg.”

The two men argue for some time and eventually decide there is only one way to solve the disagreement. The Scotsman suggests and old Scottish tradition of exchanging kicks in the balls until one falls down, the other being the victor.

The Scotsman volunteers to have first kick, so taking a run up he plants his boot right into the testicles of the Englishman who crumples up in absolute agony.

Despite all his pain he does not fall to the ground. Feeling rather proud of himself he faces up to the Scotman and says with a hint of satisfaction, “My turn now!”

To which the Scotsman replies:

“Nah! It’s just an egg….. You keep it.”

Susie Sunshine asked her Sunday School Class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Little Johnny’s picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.

“The Flight to Egypt,” said Johnny.

“I see. . . And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus,”she said. “But who’s the fourth person?”

“Oh, that’s Pontius — the pilot!”

A business man met a beautiful girl and asked her to spend the night with him for $500. And she did. Before he left in the morning, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment “RENT FOR APARTMENT.”

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed a note:

Dear Madam:

Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250 for the rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:

(1) it had never been occupied;
(2) that there was plenty of heat;
(3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and at home.

Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn’t any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on.

Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please don’t blame the landlord.

A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He looked up, looked down, measured the distance, figured the wind speed and direction. It was driving his partner nuts!!

Finally, his exasperated partner said, “What’s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!!!”

The guy answered, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”

“Forget it, Man,” the partner responded. “You”ll never hit her from here.”