Jokes News

My wife and I were about to have lunch when my friend Brainiac came into the house with his hands between his legs.

“Why Brainiac, what is the matter?” I asked, to which he responded, “I’ve been hit by a bloody cricket ball!!”

My wife, ever the nurse, said, “Why Brainiac, take it out and let me have a look.”

So she took out Brainiac’s john-thomas, put it in a bowl of warm water, added rose petals and massaged it lightly.

Brainiac, ever the gracious guest said, “Friend, I think what your wife has done is very nice. But…” he said, putting his finger up in the air, “I still think that I shall lose a nail!”

A blonde worked as a secretary. One day, her boss saw her crying at her desk. He asked her what was wrong.

She said, “I’ve just had a phone call from my aunt, my mother is dead.”

The boss offered to let her take some days off work. she said “It’s okay, I need to stay and keep working.” The boss was sympathetic, and then went to his office.

Later on, the boss decided to check on his secretary, and found her crying again, hysterically.

When he asked her what was wrong, she replied, “I just got a call from my sister, HER mother died as well!”

A girl goes to the gynecologist for the first time. She’s up in the stirrups, and the doctor notices she’s trembling.

He says “You’re nervous, aren’t you?”

“Yes, it’s my first visit to a gynecologist.”

“Would you like me to numb you down there?”

“Oh yes, please!”

He bends down, sticks his face between her legs and goes “Num num nummmm……”

yo mama hair so nappy when she combs it sounds like a pack of fire crackers goin POP! POP! POP!
yo mama hair so nappy it look’s a Brillo pad.
yo mama hair so nappy when she gets hair cuts the naps just start bobbin’ and weavin’.
yo mama hair so nappy when she puts on a hat the hat screams.

How to Identify Where a Driver is From

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago.

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York.

One hand on wheel, one finger and head out the window — cursing, cutting across all lanes of traffic: Philly

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston.

One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, with gun in lap: L.A.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in backseat: Italy.

One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle.

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on the brake, throwing a McDonald’s bag out the window: Texas.

Four-wheel-drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia.

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida.

One hand on the wheel, the other holding a cell phone, driving 130 mph and four feet from your bumper, late for happy hour, while flashing headlights to tell you to get the hell out of the way: Washington, D.C., Beltway

WHATS THE DIFFERANCE BETWEEN A JEW AND A CANOE?THE CANOE ATLEASTS TIPS SOMETIMES!

A foursome goes out on the course, only to find themselves waiting on every hole for the most inept golfers they’ve ever seen, who are playing in front of them. After a few holes, they start yelling at the klutzes, but that doesn’t seem to speed their game up. By the time they’ve finished their round, they’re so pissed off that they go straight to the golf pro to complain.

“Guys,” he tells them, “those fellas you’ve been screaming at and taunting for the last three hours are blind”.

“You’re telling us,” one of the irate foursome says.

“No, I meant it,” the pro says, they’re really blind. They’re trying to overcome their handicap by participating in sports.”

Now embarassed, the first of the foursome says to the pro, “When they come in, fix’em up with new golfers shoes, and put it on my tab.”

The second guy adds, “And give them each a new set of club covers and put on my tab.”

The third one chimes in, “Listen let them pick out a new golf shirt and put it on my tab.”

They all stand there waiting for the fourth guy to contribute something. Noticing their stares, he says, “What? Fuck’em. Let’em play at night.

Against her friends’ advice, a 25 year old woman married an 80 year old man who was extremely rich.

His doctor advised a second bedroom for him so that he would be able to sleep undisturbed after the exertions, if any, of their first night together.

His bride was amazed at the firmness of his body and his prowess in bed.

After an hour of intense love-making she shuffled him off to his bedroom.

An hour later, he was back for more, and then an hour later again. When he came back a fourth time, his astonished but happy bride finally said, “My goodness, Alfred, I didn’t
expect to see you again tonight”.

Puzzled, Alfred replied, “You mean I’ve been here before?”

Q: What TWO WORDS appear at the BOTTOM of every Porno Movie Poster?

A: “CUMMING SOON!”