Jokes News

A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. He finally jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.

The next day the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to buy her husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer she went to the pro shop where he usually went. She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her one of his finest.

“How much is it?” she asked.

“One hundred and fifty dollars,” he replied.

She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.

“But it comes with an inscription,” he said.

“What kind of inscription?” she asked.

“Whatever you wish,” he explained, “but one of the old golfers favorites is, ‘NEVER UP, NEVER IN.’”

“OH, that will never do!” exclaimed the wife. “That’s what started the argument in the first place!”

Q - What does a woman do with her asshole before sex?

A - Sends him off to the golf course.

A senior girl in Arkansas was upset because she didn’t have a date to her Senior Prom, so she asked her brother to take her.

He said, “No no no, you’re my sister.”

“Please please please?” she said.

“Well OK,” he said. So he took her to the Prom.

When they got there, she said, “Will you dance with me?”

“No no no, you’re my sister,” he said.

“Please please please?”

“Well OK,” so he dances with her.

After the Prom, she says, “Can we go driving around?”

“No no no, you’re my sister,” he said.

“Please please please?”

“Well OK”, so they go driving around.

After awhile, they ran out of gas, so they were parked.

“Will you kiss me?” she asked.

“No no no, you’re my sister.”

“Please please please?” she begged.

“Well OK,” so he kisses her.

“Will you have sex with me?” she asked.

“Alright, I’m drawing the line here, you’re my sister, no way.”

“Please please please?” she asked.

“Well, OK,” so he has sex with her.

When they’re finished, he gets off her and she looks at him and says, “Wow, you’re a lot heavier than dad.”

“I know,” her brother replied. “That’s what mom says.”

I proudly announced to my family, “Hey! Guess what? I’ve lost FIVE POUNDS!”

My old man looked at me with an unbelieving look on his face and said, “Oh? Can you prove it?”

I happily responded, “Sure! It should STILL be floating in the toilet!”

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date, nor any sex, in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her MD recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well-known sex therapist. So, she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, “OK, take off all your crose.” So she did. “Now, get down on all fours and crawl reery fass to the other side of room.” So, she did. Dr. Chang then said, “OK now crawl reery fass to me,” so she did. Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said “Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease… worse case I ever see… that why you not haf sex or dates.” Confused, the woman asked, “What is Ed Zachary Disease?”

Dr. Chang replied, “It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass.”

Why is PMS called PMS?

Because mad cow disease has been taken.

A minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to readMark 17.”

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, “Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.”