Jokes News

How does Hitler tie his shoes?
….in little Nazis

Q: WHY DID O.J. PLAY FOOTBALL INSTEAD OF BASEBALL?

A: BECAUSE THE GLOVES WOULDN’T FIT.

Two nuns were walking down the alley. The first was fond of mathematics and the second one was fond of logic.

They noticed that a man was following them and it was obvious, that he had bad intentions. The first nun, being fond of math, told the other one: “If we continue walking at this pace, he will catch us in —– minutes.” But the second nun thought logically and said: “If we go in different directions, he will go after one of us and the other one will be saved”. So they separate and the man went after the second nun (logician). Some time later the second nun finally reached the monastery. And the first nun asked: “So what happened, where have you been all this time?”

The second nun started her story: - “Well, he caught me at the time that you predicted”,
- “So, what’s happened next?”
- “So, I lifted up my dress, he took down his trousers. And then, who do you think ran faster … the nun who lifted her dress or a man who took down his trousers?”

One day a curious little boy went to his mom and said “Mommy mommy, I’ve noticed that big dogs have litlle dogs and big cats have little cats, so how come big planes don’t have little planes?”

The mother looked at her boy and said, “I don’t know, ask your father.” So the boy goes and finds his dad.

“Daddy, Daddy!” he yelled. “Why do big dogs have little dogs and big cats have little cats, but big planes don’t have little planes?”

“Maybe you should ask the pilot tomorrow when we go on our trip,” replied the confused dad.

So the next day the boy gets on the plane and runs right up to the cockpit and says to the pilot, “Mr pilot sir, I’ve noticed that big dogs have little dogs and big cats have little cats, so how come big planes don’t have little planes?”

The perplexed pilot thought for a moment and said, “Well son, we’re T.W.A., and we pull out in time.”

Some dude is in the jungle on a safari, while photographing birds he loses track of his group, and suddenly he stands in front of a native tribe.

He says to himself, “Now I´m in really deep shit!”

Suddenly, for the first time in his life he hears a divine voice from above:
“No, You´re not. Do you see that big rock in front of you?”

“Y-yes!” the man says.

The voice booms, “Pick it up and throw it in the head of the chief, he´s the fat one in the middle.”

He picks up the rock and throws it at the fat man, who falls down dead.

“Now what?” the man asks nervously.

The voice from above says: “NOW you´re in deep shit!!”

A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Dave.”

“Who?”

“Dave Bronson. There’s a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave.”

“There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

“Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star.”

“He was something, huh?”

“He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, I black out the whole neighborhood.”

“No wonder you remember him.”

“Well, I never actually met Dave.”

“Then how do you know so much about him?”

“I married his widow.”

A man goes to see his doctor, and says, “Doc, there is something wrong with me….Every time I stand in a baby’s high chair and face northeast, and then touch my tongue to a piece of aluminum foil that’s wrapped around a walnut, I get a tingle in my right big toe. Can you tell me what my problem is?”

“Yeah,” the doctor says, “You’ve got too much time on your hands.”

Two blondes were walking down the street when one of them finds a compact mirror.

Look, said one of the blondes. That girl looks so fromiliar. Curious, the other blonde snatches it out of her hand and says” Stupid bitch! Thats me.”

Microsoft announced today that the release date for the new operating system “Windows 2000″ will be delayed until the second quarter of 1901.