Jokes News

Billy The Clint.
Remake of and inspired by one of the previous JOWs called “Billy the Kid”

Young Billy wanted to be the best, quickest lover in the World, and when he spotted Casanova having a beer in a bar, he asked if he could have a word with him.

“Sure, son, what’s on your mind?” asks Giacomo, looking up at the young man.

“Sir, I want to be the best and quickest lover there is, and I’d be in your debt if you’d give me a lesson or two,” says Billy.

“Well, the first thing I’d do,” says Casanova, “is take your lady to some good restaurant for a romantic dinner to warm her up.”

The same night Billy asks Madonna for a date, takes her to a really nice restaurant and spents a wonderful night with her. Next day he accosts Casanova again: “Hey, you were right,” says Billy. “What else?”

“Be tender, son, lick her all the way down. Chicks love that shit,” suggests Giacomo.

Billy does as Casanova recommends, and comes back after a wild night with Pamela Anderson. “This is great, Giacomo” says the delighted Billy, “anything more?”

“One more thing,” says Casanova. “Always put on a condom”

“You mean so it’ll slide in and out faster and smoother?” says young Billy.

“No,” says Giacomo, “so when you do Monica Lewinski they don’t find no spots on her dress”

True Story.

When Courtney was 2 1/2, her dad took her with him to Sears. Dad was busy talking with a salesman about a new hot water heater. Of course, he was paying more attention to the salesman than to his daughter, who kept interrupting him.

“Just a minute, Courtney, he told her.”

Suddenly, Dad heard a toilet lid close, and it dawned on him just what Courtney had been saying! He quickly ended his conversation with the salesman before discovering that his potty-trained daughter had used one of the display toilets, without any attached plumbing, to poopie.

Father and daughter made the quickest Sears exit ever seen!

I think he finally bought that hot water heater at Home Depot.

Q. What is a blonde’s definition of safe sex?

A. Locking all the car doors.

Little Johnny’s next door neighbors had recently had a baby. Due to complications, the baby was born without ears. Little Johnny’s parents decided to go and see the new baby one day. Johnny’s father explained to him about the baby and told Johnny not to make the slightest hint about the baby’s ears. Johnny agreed and said that he would be on his best behavior and say nothing about the baby’s ears.

Johnny and his family went to the baby’s house and were invited in by the baby’s parents. They went in and sat down and Johnny started to talk to the baby’s mother.

“He’s a beautiful baby” Johnny said. “He has such pretty eyes. Did the doctor say he could see fine?”

“Yes, he has 20/20 vision” the mother replied.

“Well that’s a damn good thing” Johnny said, “because he sure as hell can’t wear glasses!”

your momma is so nasy she passes out free potatoe chips Yellin”FREE LAYS”

A representative of the Acme Company was making a product presentation of the Acme Computerized Crystal Ball to an executive of a top marketing firm. The Acme representative was bragging that the Acme Computerized Crystal Ball could answer any questions about a person’s past, present and even future. Such claims, however, made the marketing executive very skeptical. Seeing the bored expression of the skeptical marketing executive, the Acme representative then requested the executive to try the Acme Computerized Crystal Ball. Though he was not a believer, the marketing executive reluctantly agreed to give it a try.

The Acme representative instructed, “Please type in your full name and then your question.”

The marketing executive typed in his name and then he typed in this question, “Where is my father now ?”

The Acme Computerized Crystal Ball whirled and glowed for a few seconds and then displayed this answer, “Your father is fly fishing for trout in Montana at this very moment.”

“Aha! I knew your darned machine is a fake!” exclaimed the marketing executive. “The answer it gave was pure baloney! My father has been dead for the past twenty years now.”

Unperturbed, the Acme representative took one look at the answer and then said, “Could you give it try again? This time just rephrase the same question.”

Though he was still unconvinced, the marketing executive decided to try again just to put the Acme representative to shame. He typed in his name again and this time, he typed in this question, “Where is my mother’s husband now?”

Again the Acme Computerized Crystal Ball again whirled and glowed for a few seconds before it displayed this answer, “Your mother’s husband has been dead for twenty years now. And by the way, your father had just caught a 25-lb trout in Montana.”

Two blondes, Tina & Tanya, were out sailing one day when one of them noticed water coming up through a hole in the bottom of the boat.

“The boat is leaking! Quick, do something!” Tina exclaimed.

“No problem,” said Tanya, and she started making another hole right next to the first.

“What on earth are you doing?” Tina asked.

Tanya replied, “I’m making a hole for the water to drain out of.”

A customer at Green’s Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor’s quick wit and intelligence. “Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?”

“I wouldn’t share my secret with just anyone, Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won’t hear. “But since you’re a good and faithful customer, I’ll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, and you’ll be positively brilliant!”

“You sell them here?” the customer asks.

“Yes. Only $4 apiece,” says Green. The customer buys three.

A week later, he’s back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting, and he still isn’t any smarter.

“You didn’t eat enough,” says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he’s back, and this time he’s really angry!

“Hey, Green,” he says, “You’re selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You’re ripping me off!”

“You see?” says Green. “You’re smarter already.”