Jokes News

Yo mamma so fat she fills the bath tub, then puts in the water.

Yo mamma so fat she has a hula hoop for a belly button ring.

Yo mamma so fat her belly gets home fifteen minutes before she does.

your momma is so fat when she wears high heels, she strikes oil.

A Jewish girl runs up to her father and says, “Daddy, Daddy, I need $50.”

He says, “$40? What do you need $30 for? I think I have $20 in my wallet. Let me check. No, sorry, I only have $10 in ones. But since I am such a kind and loving father, I am going to let you borrow one of them. And at only half interest, too.”

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.”

“Well, tell me!” the man said.

The policeman said, “We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, “Give me the bad news first.”

So the policeman said, “I’m sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in San Francisco Bay.”

“Oh my God!,” said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, “What’s the good news?”

“Well,” said the policeman, “When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her.”

“If that’s the good news than what’s the great news?!” Mr. Wilkens demanded.

The policeman said, “We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow morning.”

“I’m finished with Judi!” Jon exclaimed to his friend. “She broke down and told me she was bisexual. Who the hell wants to screw just twice a year???”

Q: What’s the difference between Captain Kirk and a piece of toilet paper?

A: There is no difference. They both go to Uranus and fight Klingons.

Every Saturday morning, Grandpa Walt found himself babysitting his three grandchildren…all boys. The kids always wanted to play “war,” and Grandpa somehow always got coaxed into the game.

His daughter came to pick up the boys early one Saturday and witnessed Grandpa taking a fake shot as Jason pointed a toy gun and yelled, “Bang!” Grandpa slumped to the floor and stayed there, motionless. His daughter rushed over to see if he was all right.

Grandpa open one eye and whispered, “Sh-h-h, I always do this. It’s the only chance I get to rest.”

One day, Little Johnny was home from school earlier than usual. Without a word, he handed his mother a note from the school principal. In the note, the principal wrote, “We are sending Johnny home early to prevent disrupting the class. Please educate him on the difference between male and female.” After reading the note, Little Johnny’s mother took him silently to her bedroom upstairs.

When they were in the bedroom, Little Johnny’s mother said to him, “Little Johnny, take off my shoes.” Little Johnny took off her shoes.

Then she said, “Little Johnny, unbutton my blouse.” Little Johnny took off her blouse.

Then she said, “Little Johnny, take off my skirt.” Little Johnny pulled off her skirt.

Then she said, “Little Johnny, unstrap my bra.” Little Johnny took off her bra.

Then she said, “Little Johnny, pull off my panties.” Little Johnny did what he was told.

Then his mother said sternly, “Little Johnny, don’t you ever ever wear my clothes again!”

Q. Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A. To see what was on the other side.

Q. Why do blondes like lightning?
A. They think someone is taking their picture.

Q. What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
A. “Look! They spelled MACYS wrong.”