Jokes News

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t paying attention in class. She called on him and said, “Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?”

Little Johnny quickly replied, “NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!”

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He’s met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning languages.

After becoming a linguisticmaster, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from most recent “Easy Reading” to the original script.

All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The Angels come running in only to find the Pope huddled in his chair, crying to himself and muttering, “An ‘R’! The scribes left out the ‘R’.” A particularly concerned Angel takes him aside, offering comfort, and asks him what the problem is and what does he mean.

After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, “It’s the letter ‘R’. They left out the ‘R’. The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!”

While walking across his living room John trips and falls over toys that are scattered all over the place. As a result of the fall he breaks his leg and needs to go to the emergency room.

While in the emergency room the doctor takes x-rays and confirms that indeed his leg is broken. But the doctor discovers another problem, John balls are brown. He says to John that his leg will mend in six weeks but he’s concerned about his brown balls. John says not worry about his balls just fix his leg.

John comes back to the doctor’s office in six weeks to have the cast removed. The doctor checks him out and his leg is healed but his balls are still brown. The doctor again suggests that he have his balls looked at. John again says don’t worry about his balls and heads home to his wife and kids.

When he get home he’s very pissed off and starts yelling at his wife. He says, “I’ve got two things you need to change around here. First you need to keep this house picked up so I don’t fall and break my leg again…”

By this time his wife is in tears and she screams in her defense, “How can I keep this house clean, I’m so damn busy with work and these kids I don’t have enough time to wipe my ass, let alone clean up the house!!”

To which John replies, “That’s the second thing I want to talk to you about!”

A suspicious looking man drove up to the border where he was greeted by a sentry. When the guard looked in the trunk, he was surprised to find six sacks bulging at the seams.

“What’s in here?” he asked.

“Dirt,” the driver replied.

“Take them out,” the guard ordered. “I want to check them out.”

Obligingly, the man removed the bags, and, sure enough, each one of them contained nothing more than dirt. Reluctantly, the guard let him go.

For the next two months, the same guy came back each week, each time with sacks of dirt in his trunk and each time the guard searched them to find nothing more there.

Finally, the guard became so frustrated he quit his job and became a bartender.

Then one night the suspicious looking man came in for a drink. Hurrying towards him, the former guard said, “Listen, pal, drinks are on the house tonight if you’ll do me a favor: Just tell me what the fuck you were smuggling all that time.”

Grinning broadly, the man leaned close to the bartender’s ear and whispered, “Cars.”

10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let’s do it in chambers.
7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200.00/hr., she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
1. Think you can get me off?

Rhonda lived in such a small town , that everyone she saw congratulated her when she started dating the town’s Doctor. They all shared in her joy as the relationship blossomed. Her best friend Mary Ellen was totally alarmed when she heard a soft knock on the door and saw Rhonda sobbing and hysterical.

After a long time of offering comfort and calming support, Mary Ellen asked: “What could possibly be so awful that you are this devastated”?

Between sobs Rhonda said:” I just heard that Doc was arrested and is losing his license to practice medicine! He was discovered having sex with several of his patients ! He will never be able to show his face in town again and I will never, ever get over this !!”

Rhonda, with shock and disbelief could only utter these hopeless words: “And he was the best veterinarian in town!!”

A PRETTY GIRL WENT TO CHURCH FOR CONFESION. THE PRIEST ASKED HER, “WHAT IS THE MATTER.” SHE THEN SAID, “MY BOYFRIEND DID SOMETHING BAD TO ME.” THE PASTOR NOW KISSED HER AND SAID. “DID HE DO THIS TO YOU?” SHE SAID, “NO” HE HUGGED HER AND ASKED, “DID HE DO THIS TO YOU?” SHE SAID, “NO.” HE NOW PULLED OFF HER CLOTHES AND ASKED, “DID HE DO THIS TO YOU?” SHE SAID, “NO.” HE NOW MADE LOVE TO HER AND ASKED, “DID HE DO THIS TO YOU?” SHE SAID, “NO.” THEN HE ASKED, “WHAT IS THE THING HE DID THAT IS MAKING YOU CRY.” THEN THE GIRL SAID, “HE GAVE ME AIDS!”

Three Italian mothers were attending a football game. Each had a son playing on the same team. At the start of the game, the first boy saw his opportunity, grabbed the ball and running quickly, out-foxed the opposing team, making the first touchdown. His mother, obviously proud of her son, sprang from the bleachers, shouting in her broken Italian accent, “Thatsa *my* boy! I raised him onna de Pet milk. Ain’t he-a Peach?”

Soon, the second boy received the ball and, in a spectacular run down the field, made another goal for the team. Not wanting to be outdone by the first boy’s mother, the second boy’s mother jumped from her seat, exclaiming, “Thatsa *my* boy!! I raised him onna da breast milk. Ain’t he-a wonderful?”

The third boy hadn’t done so well, but finely someone threw him the ball. He fumbled it, then recovered…running in the wrong direction, fell with the ball, ran some more, stumbled again, dropped it once more, recovered it and finally crossed the goal line on the wrong end of the field. The third Italian mother couldn’t stand it any longer. Rising from her place in the stands, she shouted, “Thatsa *my* boy! I raised him onna Milk of Magnesia. Ain’t he-a the shits?”

Q. How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Twenty!… One to change the light bulb and nineteen to form a support group!!!

While living, in Hawaii during the 1980s, I was privileged to watch several episodes of “MAGNUM P.I.” being filmed, on location.

When the Director calls for the cameras to roll, prior to calling for “Action!,” the camera operator responds that the camera is rolling and that the film has reached the required speed through the lens aperture.

During one shoot at the Chinese Cultural Center in Honolulu, actor Tom Selleck was in one of his mischievous moods, and the following ensued:

Director: “Roll ‘em!”

Cameraman: “We got speed!”

Selleck: “How many ounces?”

Director: “Cut!”