Jokes News

It was early one Saturday morning. A friend of mine called to warn me of a group of Jehovah Witnesses working our neighborhood.

I thought it would be funny if I appeared at the door totally nude and holding a beer. I looked out the window and saw a man in a suit, a well-dressed woman and two young girls carrying what looked like a bag. As soon as the doorbell rang, I opened it. Acting very drunk, I asked them to come in. (Remember, I am totally naked.) The children screamed, the mother covered her eyes while running away, and the father told me how digusting I was. He asked how my wife could allow me to hang around the house in that condition. They ran down the sidewalk, as I was rolling on the floor laughing.

About that time, I noticed that a station wagon had just pulled up in front of my house, and two men carrying books got out. These two guys were the real Jehovah Witnesses, and the family of four who had just left were my new neighbors that had just moved in next door and had come over to meet us.

To this day, their kids don’t ride their bikes past my house. And it’s been three years now!

I hope when I die that I’ll die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming like his passengers.

One Sunday at church, as little Johnny was leaving, the preacher heard him say a curse word. The preacher stopped him and said “Son, every time I hear you say a curse word, it sends chills down my spine.”

“Well,” Little Johnny replied, “If you had been at my house yesterday when daddy slammed his finger in the door, you would be frozen!”

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart for Christmas, and as they had not been dating very long, he decided a pair of gloves would be appropriate… romantic but not too intimate.

Accompanied by his sweetheart’s younger sister, he went to Saks and bought a pair of white gloves. The younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items, and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the gift-wrapped panties, into which the young man had included the following note before having them delivered to her.

Dearest Sweetheart:

I chose these because I noticed you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. Had it not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy toremove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the last three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I asked her to try on yours for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time, as other hands will doubtlessly come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me Friday night and give me the exquisite pleasure of removing them.

All my love, Freddie

P.S. The latest style is to wear them rolled down with a little fur showing.

Q: Why is Santa so jolly?

A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that her husband has no sexual interest in her anymore. The doctor gives her some pills and says, “Put one of these pills in his mashed potatoes at dinner and that should do the trick.”

The next time she returned to the doctors office, she commented on how she put the pill in his mashed potatoes, they weren’t even through with dinner when he swept all the dinner dished off the table and made love to her right then and there.

The doctor felt a little guilty about all of the dishes being broken and offered to pay for them.

“That’s O.K.”, she said, “We just won’t be eating at Denny’s anytime soon.”

What do men and pantyhose have in common?

–> They either run, cling, or don’t fit well in the crotch.

Confucius say:

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Man who stand on toilet high on pot.

It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl!

Man who jizz in cash register come into money.

Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.

Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.

Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.

Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.

Baseball wrong–man with four balls cannot walk.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.

Learn to masturbate–come in handy.

Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.

Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.

Virgin like balloon–one prick, all gone.

There once was a building that was 47 stories high. And some people said it was 48 stories high….but that is another story.

Marriage is definitely not a man’s idea. A woman must have thought of it.

Years ago some guy said, “Let me get this straight, Honey. I can’t sleep with anyone else for the rest of my life. And if things don’t work out, you get to keep half my stuff? What a great idea!”