Jokes News

Last week I went to a seminar called “Stress and Disease” by Dr. Nicholas Hall, an expert in psychobiology. He gave an example of a coping skill for job stress which I would like to share with you.

When you have had one of those ‘TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT’ days, try this:

On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer and remove the thermometer and carefully place it on the bed side table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that “every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested.”

Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, “I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company.”

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, “Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?” The other guy says, “Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with
the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, ‘I’d like two tickets to Pittsburgh,’ I accidentally said, ‘I’d like two pickets to
Tittsburgh’……….. so she socked me a good one.”

The first guy replied, “Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue
twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, ‘Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.’ But I accidentally said, ‘You ruined my
life you evil, self-centered,
fat-assed, bitch.’”

A guy buys a big 200 acre ranch out in the country. One day, shortly after he moves in, he’s relaxing on his front porch when a pickup truck comes rambling down the one dirt road to his house and screeches to a halt in front of him.

“Howdy neighbor!” the pick up driver says. “My name is Bill! I live next door and want to welcome you to the neighborhood!”

“Well thanks, that is right friendly of you,” says the man.

“My pleasure,” says Bill. “Hey listen, the reason I drove over here is that I’m having a party this Saturday and I’d really like you to come. And it is sure going to be a doozy. There’s going to be eatin, and drinkin, and fuckin, and fightin I tell you it is going to be great!”

“Well that sounds fine, Bill!” says the man. “What should I wear?”

“Oh, it don’t matter,” Bill explains. “It’s just gonna be you and me.”

One day a boy and a girl were French Kissing. When they were done, the girl says to the boy, “I think I have your gum.”

The boy responds, “No, I just have a bad cold.”

1. Knock knock

Who’s there?

Banana

Banana who?

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Banana

Banana who?

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Orange

Orange who?

Orange you glad I didn’t say banana again?

:0)

2. Knock knock

Who’s there?

Boo

Boo who?

Quit crying! It’s only me!

:0)

3. Mamma, do you love me? Would you never in your whole life forget my name?

Why, of course not, dear.

Knock knock

Who’s there?

See, you’ve forgotten my name already!

:0)

Two women were talking about their lives since they had become Nursing home residents. They both agreed that life was good, but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out since she and her husband had come to the nursing home.

The other woman said that her sex life was great! “The secret to great sex is this,” the woman told her, “When my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed and put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that, he gets soooo excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night!”

Ethel says, “I’m going to try that tonight!”

When Ethel’s husband is getting ready in the bathroom that night, she takes off all her clothes. Although it’s a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head. Pretty soon, she has the other leg behind her head as well. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can’t move.

It’s not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom. With a shocked look on his face, her hubby yells: “For God’s sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in; you look like an asshole!”

Two prostitutes are walking on a dock when one turns to the other, “I need to make bubbles.”

The other replies, “Well hang your ass over the pier. I’ll keep watch.” After a few minutes she comes to see what’s taking so long, and exclaims, “Hey, you’re pissing into a canoe!”

The other snarls back, “F**k you bitch - that’s my reflection!!”

Kurt and his friend Tim were standing around when their other friend, George, walked out of a house with a huge smile on his face.

The two ask him why he is so happy. He says that he paid a girl in the house $35 and she put whipped cream on his dick and ate it off.

Tim says “WoW!” and goes in the same house. 20 minutes later he comes out with a huge smile on his face — bigger than George’s was. He said he paid her $45 and she put whipped cream and chocolate syrup on his and ate it off.

Kurt says “WoW!” and goes in the house. 20 minutes later he comes out with the biggest smile anyone has ever seen. They ask him what happened.

He says “She put whipped cream, chocolate syrup, ice cream, and a cherry on top, and it looked so good I ate it myself!!!!!!!!”

I hope this makes sense for everyone on the need for clear and crisp communication and see the errors inherent in indirect communication.

Hope we will be better communicators after we read this.

====================================
From : Managing Director
To : Executive Director

“Tomorrow morning there will be a total eclipse of the sun at nine o’clock.

This is something which we cannot see everyday. So let the work-force line up outside, in their best clothes to watch it.

To mark the occasion of this rare occurrence, I will personally explain the phenomenon to them.

If it is raining we will not be able to see it very well and in that case the work force should assemble in the canteen.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From : Executive Director
To : Departmental Head

“By order of the Managing Director, there will be a total eclipse of the sun at nine o’ clock tomorrow morning.

If it is raining we will not be able to see it in our best clothes, on the site. In this case the disappearance of the sun will be followed through in the canteen.

This is something we cannot see happening everyday.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From : Departmental Heads
To : Sectional Heads

“By order of the Managing Director, we shall follow the disappearance of the sun in our best clothes, in the canteen at nine o’ clock tomorrow morning.

The Managing Director will tell us whether it is going to rain.

This is something which we cannot see happen everyday.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From : Section Heads
To : Foreman

“If it is raining in the canteen tomorrow morning, which is something that we cannot see happen everyday, the Managing director in his best clothes, will disappear at nine o’ clock.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From : Foreman
To : All Operators

“Tomorrow morning at nine o’ clock, the Managing Director will disappear.

It’s a pity that we can’t see this happen everyday”

This gay guy was coming home from the bar one night and couldn’t score. As he was walking home, he saw a drunk bum passed out on a bench. He thought, “Hmm, better than nothing.” So he did his business and left the guy a $5.00 bill. The next morning when the bum woke up he found the $5.00 bill and went to the liquor store and said, “Give me a $5.00 bottle.”

The next night the guy and a friend walked by the bum. The guy told his friend what happened and both of them got some. They both left a $5.00 bill. Again the bum found the money and went to the liquor store. This time he said give me two $5.00 dollar bottles. The next night the guy and ten of his friends came by. They all did their business and each left a $5.00 bill.

Once again the bum found the money and went to the liquor store. The guy at the counter said, “Ten $5.00 dollar bottles?” The bum said, “No, just one $50.00 dollar bottle. The $5.00 liquor is making my ass hurt.”