Jokes News

01. Leave the copy machine set to 99 copies, reduce 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper.

02. In the memo field of all your checks write “for sensual massage.”

03. Specify that your drivethrough order is “to go.”

04. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”

05. Reply to everything someone says with, “that’s what YOU think.”

06. Finish all your sentences with the words, “in accordance with prophecy.”

07. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

08. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

09. Ask people what gender they are.

10. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids?

If you’re less than ten years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
“How old are you?”
“I’m four and a half.”
You’re never 36 and a half….you’re four and a half going on 5.

You get into your teens; now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number. “How old are you?”
“I’m gonna be 16.” You could be 12, but you’re gonna be 16, eventually.

Then the great day of your life; you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. You BECOME 21….Yes!!

Then you turn 30. What happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. What’s wrong? What changed?
You BECOME 21; you TURN 30.

Then you’re PUSHING 40….stay over there.

You REACH 50.

You BECOME 21; you TURN 30; You’re PUSHING 40; you REACH 50; then you MAKE IT to 60.

By then you’ve built up so much speed, you HIT 70.

After that, it’s a day by day thing. You HIT Wednesday…
You get into your 80’s; you HIT lunch, you HIT 4:30.

My Grandmother won’t even buy green bananas. “Well, it’s an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one.”
And it doesn’t end there….
Into the 90’s, you start going backwards. “I was JUST 92.”

Then a strange thing happens; if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. “I’m 100 and a half.”

So it seems that this reporter goes to Armenia to write articles about the people and their land. He meets an old man in a secluded village, and over a cup of the local brew asks him about the memorable events of his life. After a bit of thought, the old man says, “Well, there was this time my donkey got lost, so me and my neighbors got some vodka and went looking for it. We looked and looked, all the time drinking vodka, and finally found the donkey, and then one by one we screwed the donkey! And, then, one time my neighbor’s wife got lost, so me and the rest of the village got some vodka and went out looking for her. We looked and looked, all the time drinking vodka, and finally found her. Then we got more vodka and all got drunk and screwed her!”

The interviewer knows he can’t write an article about this no matter if it’s true or not, so he encourages the old man to tell him another story. He asks him if he had any “dramatic,” or especially sad memories that he could talk about.

The old man pauses a little, and a melancholy expression steals over his features. “Well,” he replies, “there was this one time I got lost…”

One evening a man drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

Later that night, the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant for dinner. Suddenly, he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.

With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That’s when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat. “Honey,” she asked, “have you seen my other shoe?”

This really happened one day at our local Country Club…
Harold, an elderly golfer who walked the course every day, walked off of the 18th green after experiencing a dismal round. A few Club Members were standing out behind the clubhouse and watched Harold walk past and down to the pond behind the clubhouse. Harold then took his bag of clubs and threw them as far as he could into the pond. He then turned around and made his way to his car. He sat in his front seat with his head bowed for what seemed like a long time. The other members were beginning to get concerned and started to go over and check on the poor old guy.

Just as they started over, however, Harold got out of his car and headed back to the pond. It seemed, much to the members delight, that Harold was having a change of heart. He waded into the pond up to his waist, and found his bag. He then unzipped the compartment on the side, pulled out his car keys, dropped the clubs back into the water and went home.

As far as I know his clubs are still there.

A girl was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes and made them line up.

The girl’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter. Not willing to let her know the truth, the girl told her grandmother that some people were passing out free oranges and she was linning up for some.

Grandma wanted oranges too, so she went to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from the prostitutes.

When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and asked, “You are so old, how do you do it?”

“Oh,it’s easy. I just take my dentures out and suck them dry.”

German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fiber net.

Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing…… They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones…