Jokes News

Film actor George Raft, who was noted for portraying sinister gangsters during the 1930’s through the 1950’s, and was notorious for his gangland associations in real life, acquired and disposed of over ten million dollars in the course of his career.

Once chided by a friend for his extravagant spending habits, he was asked what he did with his money. “Part of the loot went for gambling,” he explained. “Part went for horses, and part for women. The rest I spent foolishly.”

your mamma’s lips are so big she can whisper in her own ear

One afternoon I rushed out of the house, forgetting my keys, and found myself locked out. There was nothing I could do but wait for my husband to come home. I went over to a neighbor, who was outside raking leaves.

“You locked yourself out?” he asked.

“Yeah, and this is the second time I’ve done that since we moved in. After the first time, we took an extra key and put it in a jar, then stuck it in a potted plant on the deck.

“So what’s the problem?”

“I took the plants in for the winter.”

1) In order to score a player must land his cock in his opponent’s court.

2) Players may only handle their cock before serving or after scoring.

3) If a player does not get their cock into his opponent’s court for any reason then he does not score and cannot try again until he has service again.

4) Damaged cocks should not be used as this can cause irritation to the court surface.

5) Rubber covers are advised for safety as they are about 99% less likely to damage the court.

6) Courts with warn or damaged patches should not be used for at least two weeks.

7) If while playing the cock lands out of the court the players should clean up and carry on with the game unless they are too tired.
The type of cock and size of court should not affect players enjoyment of the game.

9) Large courts are not advisable for play as generally they have been overused in the past.

10) If the opponent is not ready to receive a service for any reason, play should be suspended.

11) To aid play, the players should keep an eye on their cock and the court at all times.

12) To increase service length, the server can use a different type of raquet, this is more likely to stimulate interesting play.

13) If the game does not envolve mixed singles then the area of play should be changed.

14) Always remember if you serve too high your cock may get stuck in the lights!

An airplane shipment full of Pepsi had a malfunction flying
over the continent of Africa and went down.

It took a few weeks for the Pepsi Company to send a three man rescue team.

While searching the area they found a tribe of cannibals. Asking the Chief of the tribe if he knew anything about the crash, the Chief replied “We ate the crew and we drank the Pepsi.”

The rescue team was shocked! A team member asked “Did you eat the legs?”

The Chief replied “We ate the legs and we drank the Pepsi.”

The second team member asked “Did you eat their arms?” The Chief replied “We ate their arms and we drank the Pepsi.”

The third team member asked “Did you…well,you know…eat their…things?”

The Chief replied “No!”

“No?” asked the rescuer.

“No” replied the Chief. “Things go better with Coke!!”

A burly, muscular rancher returned home a day earlier from his trip to the city to deliver a herd of cattle. When he entered the bedroom, the rancher found his wife naked in bed getting it on with his ranch foreman. Angrily, the rancher grabbed his foreman by the neck and proceeded to choke him until the foreman lost consciousness.

When the foreman came to after being splashed in the face with water, he found himself in the barn all tied up to a post stark naked. What’s more, a tube from the mechanical milking machine was attached to his penis. Seeing the foreman already wide awake, the rancher switched on the milking machine. The foreman felt like he was being given a handjob as the tube alternately pulled and squeezed his penis. However, after he had ejaculated, the tube still continued to squeeze and pull the foreman’s penis. The foreman screamed at the rancher, “When will this stop?”

Pointing at a one-gallon container connected to the milking machine, the rancher said, “Not until you filled that up!”

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because he wanted to.

What is the similarity between a man and a microwave?

Both get hot in 15 seconds.

Why can’t a man be both handsome and intelligent?

Because that would make him a woman.

What do you never want to hear while having good sex?

“Honey, I’m home!”

Why don’t men go through menopause?

Because they never left puberty