Jokes News

A gay guy is in the doctor’s office.

Doctor: I’m afraid I have bad news. You have an advanced case of AIDS.

Gay Guy: Oh, doctor, doctor, what am I going to do?

Doctor: Well, you need to go to Mexico. Drink as much of the water as you can. Not that bottled water - I’m talking about real Mexican tap water. Then, eat as much of the local food as you can. Make sure you eat plenty of beans, cabbage and lots and lots of fruit. Buy plenty of hot dogs, tacos and burritos from street vendors, too.

Gay Guy: Doctor, will that cure me?

Doctor: Nope, but it will teach you what your asshole is for!

Parent’s Dictionary

AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: what you call your child when you’re mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings

PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: able to whine in words.

WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.

While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of interns.

“As you can see,” she says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. “Michael, what would you do in a case like this?”

“Well,” ponders the intern, “I suppose I’d limp, too.”

Seen on a tee shirt:

If you don’t believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

There was this 34 year old woman who had a crush on a 18 year old bag boy at a local store.

So one day she finally got the nerve up to tell him her feelings about him.

She went to the store and the boy brought her bags out to her car. She leaned over to him and said, “I have an itchy pussy.”

Then the boy told her, “Ma’m, all foreign cars look the same to me.”

April 26, 1999

Why I Fired My Secretary

Two weeks ago, was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn’t feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went into breakfast, knowing my wife would be pleasant and say “Happy Birthday,” and probably have a present for me.

She didn’t even say “Good Morning,” let alone any “Happy Birthday.” I thought, “Well, that’s wives for you.

The children will remember.” The children came in to breakfast and didn’t say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, “Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday.”

And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon.

About noon, Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside and it’s your birthday, let’s go to lunch, just you and me.”

I said, “By George, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go.”

We went to lunch. We didn’t go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day. We don’t need to go back to the office, do we?”

I said, “No, I guess not.”

She said, “Let’s go to my apartment.”

After arriving at her apartment, we had another martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I think I’ll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.”

“Sure,” I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out…carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends.

All were singing Happy Birthday.

… and there on the couch I sat…

… with nothing on but my socks……

Q: What do you get when a gay man cums?

A: Fruit Juice!!!!!!

Isn’t that funny? I made that up all by myself!

This is a True Story excerpted from a local radio interview:
The female newscaster is interviewing the leader of a youth club:

Interviewer: “So, Mr. Jones, what are you going to do with these children on this adventure holiday?”

Mr. Jones: “We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.”

Interviewer: “Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?”

Mr. Jones: “I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the range.”

Interviewer: “Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?”

Mr. Jones: “I don’t see how; we will be teaching them proper range discipline before they even touch a firearm.”

Interviewer: “But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.”

Mr. Jones: “Well, you’re equipped to be a prostitute but you’re not one, are you?”

A panicked passenger on the Titanic.

Passenger: “How far is the nearest land?”

Captain: “2 miles.”

Passenger: “In which direction?”

Captain: “Downward.”