Jokes News

So I went in for my regular checkup. I’m 34 years old now and my doctor thought it would be a good idea to check me out down below. I was not prepared for us to get that intimate, but I agreed to a rectal exam. My doctor proceeded to probe around and the whole time I could not stop thinking, “Maybe it’s time I found a new dentist.”

This one guy was walking on the dock of a NUDE beach one day. About 50 yards down the dock he saw a sign and it said BEWARE OF GAYS! and he didn’t think anything of it.

Another 50 yards down the dock he saw another sign. It said BEWARE OF GAYS! And he started to make caution of it but soon for got about it.

Toward the end of the dock he saw a sign that had been kicked down on the ground and he bent down to look at it.

The sign said YOU ALREADY HAD 2 WARNINGS!!!

Hurricane Georges is headed for Mississippi, and one man yells to the other, as he sees it approaching, “Head for the fruit cellar!”

His buddy replies, “I am NOT going down there with THEM!”

This guy dies and goes to Hell. His sister dies a week later, but goes to Heaven. The sister asks God, “Can I go down to Hell and visit my brother?” He says that she may see him one last time.

So she goes down to Hell and her brother has a blonde on one knee and a beer can in his other hand. She says, “My goodness, this is Hell?”

He says, “It is Hell — the beer can has a hole in it and the girl doesn’t!”

Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.

The successful one said, “How has everything been going with you?”

“Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I’m as rich as Rockefeller.”

The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, “Chapter Eleven.”

What College did Latrell Spreewell attend?

**……………………………………..

I.CHOKE.U.

What did the priest say when he saw mosquitoes in church?

Let us spray.

Why did the witches stop work?

Because they needed to rest a spell.

Why are people fatter In the morrning?

They are WIDE awake.

What shape is an empty parrot cage?

A polygon

What would a lawyer do if his wife pushes him down the tollet?

Sewer

Where do you buy rude T-shirts?

The menSWEAR department

What type of cowboy lends money?

A lone (loan) ranger

What type of exercises do cats do?

Puss ups

Where do cooks keep their Knickers?

In the PANTry

Why don’t actors like having a bald head?

They can’t get a part.

Why wouldn’t the bank give the rabbit a housing loan?

He had burrowed enough already!

Little Johnny died and went to Heaven. He waited in a long line at the Pearly Gates until he was the only one left. St. Peter asked Little Johnny if he was ready to take the test for admittance into Heaven.

Little Johnny said, “Sure.”

“OK,” said St. Peter. “First question. How many seconds are there in a year?”

“Well, there are 12,” said Little Johnny.

“How did you come up with that?”

“Well, there is the second of January, the second of February….”

“OK, it’s not the answer I was expecting, but it’s right, nonetheless.”

“Now for the second question: How many days of the week start with the letter ‘T’?”

“There are two days in the week that start witht he the letter ‘T,’ and they are ‘Today’ and ‘Tomorrow.’”

“OK, I’ll let that one pass, too.”

“Now for the last question: What is Jesus’ name?”

“Andy,” replied Little Johnny.

“How did you come up with ‘Andy’?”

“Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me….”

Q: What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.

Q: What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.

Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same but you get the remote.

Q: What’s the difference between Pee-wee Herman and O.J.?
A: It took 12 jerks to get O.J. off.

Q: Why did cavemen pull their women around by the hair?
A: Because if they pulled them around by their feet, they’d fill up with mud.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow.

Q: What’s a blonde’s favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.

Q: What’s the difference between a paycheck and your dick?
A: You don’t have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.

Q: What’s it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
A: Marriage.

Q: What are the small bumps around a woman’s nipples for?
A: It’s Braille for “suck here.”

Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.

Q: How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

Q: Why is a hurricane like a women?
A: It starts with a great blow, but when it’s over your house and car are gone.

Q. What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q. Why are men and parking spaces alike?
A. Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.

Q. Why are men like public toilets?
A. Because all the good ones are engaged and the only ones left are full of crap.

Q. What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A. If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.

Q. How can you tell if a man is happy?
A. Who cares?

Q. What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
A. One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

Q. Why do men want to marry virgins?
A. They can’t stand criticism.

Q. What are two reasons why men don’t mind their own business?
A. 1. No mind. 2. No business.

Q. Did you hear about the banker who’s a great lover?
A. He knows firsthand the penalty for early withdrawal.

Q. Why are men like laxatives?
A. They irritate the shit out of you.

Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.

Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q. Why do men like masturbation?
A. Its sex with someone they love.

Q. What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A. The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

Q. What is a man’s view of safe sex?
A. A padded headboard.

Q. How do men sort their laundry?
A. “Filthy” and “Filthy but Wearable”.

Q. Why did God create man?
A. Because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn.

Q. Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A. So they wouldn’t hump women’s legs at cocktail parties.

Q. Why do men love computers?
A. No matter what mood they’re in, they can still get a floppy in.

Q. What’s the difference between a woman and a computer?
A. A woman would never accept a 3 1/2 inch floppy!!
…and a computer can’t turn a 3.5″ floppy into a hard drive in a matter of seconds.

Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet.

“Doctor,” he said sadly, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to cut off my dog’s tail.”

The vet stepped back, “Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?”

“Because my mother-in-law’s arriving tomorrow, and I don’t want anything to make her think she’s welcome.”