Jokes News

Your mama so stupid she had a peephole put in a glass door.

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

“What’s up?” he says.

“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your wardrobe and he’s got no clothes on!”

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.

Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.

“You bastard,” says the husband, “my wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!”

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They’re old hat)

6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

7. Be more or less specific.

8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

10. No sentence fragments.

11. Contractions aren’t necessary and shouldn’t be used.

12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.

14. One should NEVER generalize.

15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

16. Don’t use no double negatives.

17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

20. The passive voice is to be ignored.

21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.

22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

23. Kill all exclamation points!!!

24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas.

26. Use the apostrophe in it’s proper place and omit it when its not needed.

27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”

28. If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.

30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

32. Who needs rhetorical questions?

33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

And finally…

34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Why the Chicken Crossed the Road…
In the Words of the Star Wars Characters

YODA:
Crossing the road makes not a chicken great.

DARTH VADER:
Because it could not resist the power of the Dark Side.

LUKE:
Crossing the road is one thing, this is…totally different.

LEIA:
I don’t know…but I have a bad feeling about this.

HAN:
Hurry up, Colonel Sanders, or you’re gonna be a permanent resident!

C3P0:
I am fluent in over six million ways of crossing the road.

R2D2:
Beep beep be bop.

CHEWIE:
Gwrrroooooaaaarrrrrrlllllll!

BEN:
Cross the road, chicken. Let go, chicken. Chicken, trust me.

BOBA FETT:
What if the chicken doesn’t survive? He’s worth a lot to me!

WEDGE:
My scope shows the other side but it looks really far, are you sure you can cross it?

JERJERROD:
The chicken is crossing the road? We shall double our efforts.

BIB:
Die chicken wanga?

BIGGS:
At that speed, will you be able to cross in time?

TARKIN:
The regional governors now have direct control over their chickens. Fear will keep those chickens in line…fear of getting hit by a car!

UNCLE OWEN:
I told you to forget it. Your only concern is to cross that road.

AUNT BERU:
He can’t stay here forever. Most of his friends have already crossed. It means so much to him.

ADMIRAL ACKBAR:
All chickens - prepare to cross the road on my mark.

LANDO:
Why you slimy, no good, double-crossing chicken!! You got a lot of guts crossing that road, after what you pulled!

EMPEROR:
Young fool. Only now, after getting hit by a car do you understand.

JABBA:
Bo shuda chicken!

A man decides that he is going to have a party and invite everyone he knows and tells them to bring friends. On the invitation he puts “theme party — come as a human emotion”.

On the night of the party the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters n and v on his chest. He says, “That’s a great costume, what emotion have you come as?” The man replies, “I am green with envy.” He says, “That’s brilliant, come on in and drink.”

The doorbell rings again and he opens it to see a woman standing there in a pink body suit with a white feather boa. He says, “Great costume, what emotion have you come as?” She replies, “I’m tickled pink.” “Awesome, come on in and meet everyone.”

The door bell rings a third time and this time he answers it and there’s two guys standing there naked, one has his penis in a bowl of custard and the other has his penis in a pear. He says, “What are you guys doing? You can go to jail walking around like this. What emotion are you supposed to be?”

The first guy replies, “Well I’m fucking disgusted, and my friend here has come in despair.”

A lady goes to the store to get some lettuce but they don’t have any. She goes to the manager and jumps all over him about how she is sure he has some in the back of the store.
The manager listens patiently then says, “Lady take the c out of carrots and what do you have?”
She replies, “arrots.”

He says “Now take the p out of potatoes and what do you have?”
She says, “otatoes.”

“Now,” he says, “take the fuck out of lettuce and what do you have?”

She says, “There is no fuck in lettuce.”

To which he replies, “That is what I’ve been trying to tell you.”

Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Ken Starr have in common?
A: They both want Clinton’s head.

Q: What do you get when you cross Monica Lewinsky with Ted Kaczynski?
A: A Dynamite Blowjob

Q: What do OJ and Clinton have in common?
A: Both are lying, bad golfers, who leave a trail of DNA behind.

Q: What do Monica & OJ Simpson have in common?
A: Sore knees.

Q: What will Bill Clinton be known as when he leaves the White House?
A: The President after Bush

Q: What is the name of Monica Lewinsky’s new book?
A: My Taste For Power

Q: What do you call Clinton’s fly?
A: U.S. Open

A young mother was once again pregnant and trying to explain to her little girl how she had gotten that way. She explained how a baby was growing in her tummy, and how it took an egg and a sperm. Daddy made the sperm, and Mommy made the egg.

The little girl asks, “So if it takes a sperm and an egg to make a baby, and the egg is already in your tummy, then how does the sperm get in there? Does Mommy swallow it?”

Her mother replies, “She does, if she wants a new cocktail dress.”

Adidas:
Adverytising Does Influeance Dumb A**hole’s Selection,
All Day I Dream About Sex.

Audi:
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence.

Bitch:
Beautiful, Intelligent, Talented, Charming and Horny.

BMW:
Babbling Mechanical Wrench
Basic Marin (county CA) Wheels
Beastly, Monstrous Wonder,
Beautiful Masteriece on Wheels
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder,
Big Money Waste,
Blasphemous Motorized Wreck,
Born Moderately Wealthy,
Break My Window,
Broken Money Waster,
Brutal Money Waster,
Bumbling Mechanical Wretch.

BNR:
Built, Never Runs.

Buick:
Big Ugly Import Car Killer,
Big Ugly Indestructable Compact Killer.

CBM:
Crash-prone Buggy Machines.

CCBS:
Close Cover Before Striking.

Chevrolet:
Car Has Extensive Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips.

Chevy:
Charged HEaVilY.

Dodge:
Dead On Delivery, Go Easy,
Dying Garbage Emitter, Guarantee Expired,
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere.

Fiat:
Failure In Automotive Technology,
Fix It Again, Tony
Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation.

Fila (shoes):
First In Ladies Attention,
Found In Lowlife’s Apparel.

Ford:
First On Race Day,
Fix Or Repair Daily,
Found On Road Dead,
Fraternal Order of Restored DeSoto’s.

GM:
General Maintenance.

GMC:
Garage Man’s Companion,
Generally Mediocre Cars,
Get More Chicks,
Got a Mechanic Coming,
Got More Crap.

IBM PC:
I’ve Blown My Power Circuits.

IMHO:
Idiots Manage High Office,
Individual Maintenance Health Organization.

Iowa:
Idiots Out Wandering Around,
I Owe the World an Apology.

IROC:
I’m Really Out of Cash,
I Race Other Cars,
I Run Over Children,
It’s Really Only a Camaro.

IRS:
Income Reduction Service.

Jeep:
Just Eats Every Part.

Mac:
Malformed Apple Computer,
Monstrously Aggravating Coding,
Mouse Activated Computer.

Mazda:
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along.

MG:
Money Guzzler.

Mopar:
Miscellaneous Oddball Parts Assembled Ridiculously,
Mostly Old Parts (Paint) And Rust,
Most Often Passed At Races.

Olds:
Oil Leak, Dead Starter.

Oldsmobile:
Oh, Look, Dammit! Some Massive Oil Burning Idiot’s Leaking Everywhere.
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday
Old Loose Dented Sheet Metal Out-dated By Infamies Like Edsel.

PC:
Primitive Calculator,
Pseudo-Computer.

Pinto:
Put In Nickel To Operate.

Plymouth:
Please Let Your Mother Out from Under The Hood.

Pontiac:
Poor/Overworked Nerd-types Think It’s A Cadillac.

Porsche:
Piece Of Retired Scrap, Continually High Expense.

Procrastinate:
People Rarely Obtain Coveted Rewards After Scheduling Tasks Into Never-Attainable Time Elements.

PTL (Praise the Lord):
Pacify The Loonies,
Pardon The Lies,
Pass The Ladies/Lobster/Loot/Lubricant,
Pathetic, Those Losers,
Pay The Lady/Lawyers/Liar/Lord,
Pray To Lucifer,
Plunder The Laymen/Losers,
Poverty To Luxury,
Predisposed To Larceny,
Pretend To Love,
Pretzels To Lobsters,
Price The Lord,
Prison Term Likely,
Privy To Larceny,
Promise Them Lies,
Prone To Lust,
Propositional Temporal Logic,
Pry The Loot.

Russia:
Rape Until She Screams In Agony.

Saab:
Send Another Auto Back,
Such An Arrogant Bastard,
Swedish Auto Always Broken.

SPSF (Southern Pacific Santa Fe railroad; never merged):
Shouldn’t Paint So Fast.

Toyota:
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto.

UCI (University of California at Irvine):
Under Construction Indefinitely.

UP (railroad):
Union (like onion) Pathetic.

USC (Univ. of Southern Calif.):
University of Spoiled Children.