Jokes News

Did you hear about the new feminine hygiene called SSY?

It takes the PU out of Pussy.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a long line of people and a horse. Next to the horse he sees a large jar full of money. He asks the bartender what was going on. The bartender says “If you wait in that line, drop a five in that jar and make my horse laugh, you get to keep the money.” The guy decides to give it a try. He drops his five and leans in and whispers in the horse’s ear. The horse starts to laugh and soon he was laughing so hysterically, he fell down in laughter. The guy grabs the jar and leaves the bar.

The following week, the guy returns to the bar, and again there is a line of people and a jar full of money. He asks the bartender what was going on, and he said that this time, you have to make the horse cry to get the money. The guy decided to give it a try. He drops his five and takes the horse by the reins and leads it outside. A few minutes go by and the guy returns with the horse in tears. The guy grabs the jar and heads for the door. The bartender says, “Wait a minute, you came in here and took my money last week, and you are doing it again, I have to know, how did you make my horse laugh, and how did you make him cry?”

The guy said “It was easy, to make him laugh I told him I had a bigger penis than he did, to make him cry, I took him outside and showed him.”

The dean and the coach struck a simple deal: Despite his abysmal grades, the all-star tackle could play in the big game if, and only if, he could learn and remember the formula for water by the day of the game.

The coach and the chemistry teacher both worked with the gridiron star, and were confident that he’d come through with flying colors.

On the morning of the game the dean came down to the locker room where the tackle was suiting up.

“Well,” said the dean. “What is the formula for water?”

Grinning broadly, and drawing confidence from the presence of his proud coach, the player said, “H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O.”

(try to think like a football player, and you’ll get it.)

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote:

“I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said,
“I’ve been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I’ve never had a dog steal towels, bed clothes or silverware or pictures off the walls. I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you’re welcome to stay here, too.”

One day this guy is sitting on a park bench eating a bald eagle. A cop comes by and says..”Hey fella…What do you think you are doing? That is an endangered species! You can’t kill it and eat it!” The cop arrests him and takes him to jail…

The next day he goes to court and the judge says, “Sir, do you realize that a bald eagle is an endangered species and you can spend up to 5 years in jail for killing and eating it?”

The guy says, “Yes your honor…but I am poor and if I didn’t eat it, I would have starved!” The judge pauses a few minutes and says, “Well sir, under the circumstances, I guess I will make an exception. You are free to go…..but first I want to ask you a question: What exactly does a bald eagle taste like?”

The guy thinks for a moment and says…”Well, your Honor…….It’s kinda like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl.”

Some young city boy scouts were on their first camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten.

Then one of them saw some lightning bugs and said to his friend, “We might as well give up. They’re coming after us now with flashlights.”

Yo mama is so fat, when she steps on a scale it says, “To be continued”

Yo mama is sooo fat, when she sits around the house, SHE SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!

Yo Mama is so fat, when she steps on the scale it says, “One at a time please”

A woman is putting her son’s laundry away and is shocked to find a sado-masochistic magizine in his drawer. She calls her husband tells him what she’s found in their son’s room and asks what she should do.

The husband thinks for a second and then
says, “Well, for God’s sakes, whatever you do, DON’T SPANK HIM!”