Jokes News

Q: Why were there only 600 mexicans at the alamo?

A: Because they only had two vans.

The wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little negligee she wore on their wedding night.

She looks at her husband and says, “Honey, do you remember this?”

He looks up at her and replies, “Yes, Dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married.”

“That’s right,” she replied. “And do you remember what you said to me that night?”

He nods and says, “Yes, Dear, I still remember.”

“Well, what was it?”

He responds, “Well, Honey, as I remember, I said, “Ohhhhhh, Baby, I’m going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out!”

She giggles and says, “Yes, that was it. That was exactly what you said. And now it’s 50 years later, and I’m in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?”

Again, he looks up at her and looks her up and down and says, “Mission accomplished . . .”

****read this 3 times, SLOWLY!****

I AM SOFA KING SMART!

****NOW READ IT FAST AS YOU CAN, AS LOUD AS YOU CAN.***

I AM SOFA KING SMART!

(i am so f*cking smart!)….are you really!!!!!!
.

One day at Little Bastard Elementary school, the children were at class in Mrs. Little’s class. She told the class that there was to be a special type of quiz that day and if you got your question right, you could go home early.

“Alright class, who said ‘Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country’?” Little Suzy rose her hand and answered John Kennedy, so she was dismissed.

“Now, who said ‘Give me liberty or give me death’?” Little Janie rose her hand and said Patrick Henry, and was dismissed.

Little Johnny yelled out, “Stupid girls should keep their mouths closed, and just be used as breeding stock.” When the teacher yelled out, “Who said that?” Johnny quickly replied, “Bill Clinton, see you tomorrow.”

An English professor wrote the words:
“A woman without her man is nothing” on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: “A woman, without her man, is nothing.”

The women wrote: “A woman. Without her, man is nothing.”

Punctuation is everything!

A young woman experienced some car trouble late one afternoon but luckily, an old man in a tow truck stopped and offered help. Not knowing the area, she asked if he could repair the car. He agreed to do it and began to hoist
the car up on the truck, and then the two of them took the car back to the old man’s garage.

Once there, he looked at the engine and made an estimate of one hundred dollars, which was more than she had.

“Darn, I’m just one hundred dollars short of cash….if you weren’t such an old guy,” she said, “I’d screw you for the remainder of the bill.”

“Hell, I’ll show you who’s old!” the old man retorted, “Take off that dress and get on the car.”

She giggled as she slipped off her dress and eyed the old man after he dropped his pants. He was hung like a mule!

“Oh boy!” she thought. “Not only am I going to get a great discount on the repairs, I’m going to get my brains screwed out!”

Then she noticed the old man placing washers at the base of his pecker.

“Hey, what are you doing?” the woman asked.

“Hell,” the old man replied, “You think for just a hundred dollars, you’re gonna get all of this?”

Why is the part between the bottom of women’s boobs and top of her vagina called a waist?

Because you could easily fit another set of tits in there!

An English professor wrote the words, “Woman without her man is nothing” on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: “Woman, without her man, is nothing.”

The women wrote: “Woman! Without her, man is nothing.”

A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased. He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words “QUEEN SIZE”.

He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, “Look Granny, YOU wear the same size as our bed!”

Q: Did you hear that First Dog Buddy died?

A: He jumped into Hillary’s lap and froze to death!