Jokes News

An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi. As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.

‘It’s free,’ St. Peter replied, ‘this is Heaven.’ Next, they
went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home was located on. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, ‘What are the green fees?’

St. Peter replied, ‘This is heaven, you play for free.’ Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine’s of the World laid out. ‘How much to eat?’ asked the old man.

‘Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!’ St. Peter replied, with some exasperation. ‘Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?’ the old man asked timidly. St. Peter lectured, ‘That’s the best part - you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.’

With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, ‘This is all your fault! If it weren’t for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!’

A search and rescue team had been assembled and sent on a mission to find an airplane that had crashed on top of a mountain. It was their duty to rescue any survivors. After finally reaching the top of the mountain, they came upon the crash site.

At the site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of there bones, he noticed the rescue team. “Thank God”, he cried out in relief. “I am saved!”

The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades.

The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. “You can’t judge me for this,” he insisted. “I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?”

The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. “I won’t judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but my God man, your plane only went down yesterday!”

Three midgets went to the world guniess book of records to be entered for the smallest extremities. The first midget for his hands. Upon exiting he exclaimed, “I’m in!”

The second midget went for the size of his feet. Upon exiting he exclaimed, “I’m in!”.

The third midget went for the size of his penis. Upon exiting he exclaimed, “Who the damn hell is Bill Clinton?”

A shapely lady in a bikini walked into the ocean to take a swim. A large wave came up and washed over her, tearing off her bikini top. She came out of the surf with her arms folded across her chest.

A little boy playing in the sand looked up at her and said, “Lady, if you’re going to drown those puppies, I’ll take the one with the brown nose.”

Tech Support calls “YOU” for help.

When you are reading something printed, you wish you could use a search function to get to the point.

Someone at work tells you a joke and you say “LOL.”

When you reply to someone verbally, your fingers start typing your response.

You check your e-mail over and over, even when you know there’s nothing there.

You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.

You have called out someone’s screen name while making love to your significant other.

You keep begging your friends to get an account “so we can hang out.”

Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

You’ve even gotten on an airplane just to meet “sweet_girl” face-to-face.

You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.

You have to get a 2nd phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.

You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or complete sentences.

You begin to say, “heh heh heh” instead of laughing.

When someone says, “What did you say?” you reply “Scroll up!”

You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the night when your spouse is asleep.

You turn down the lights and close the blinds so people won’t know you’re online again.

You know more about online friends’ daily routines than you do your own spouse’s.

You find yourself lying to others about your time online and when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook.

You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to your own.

You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much, than the truth.

You change your screen name so much that you have to do a who is to know who you are.

You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time.

You won’t work at a job that doesn’t have a modem involved.

Your dog leaves you.

You bring a bag lunch and a cooler to the computer.

You type faster than you can think.

You can actually read and follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your TV screen at the end of a movie.

You don’t want to leave in case you miss something.

You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted to check your mail and while there you “just wanted to see who was online.”

A guy arrives home from the local tavern and says to his wife, “Harry Johnson the milkman reckons he’s seduced every woman in our street, except one.”

She thinks for a couple of seconds then says, “Yeah, probably that stuck-up bitch at number forty-nine.”

1) You might be a redneck if your family reunion is held at a rest area.
2) If your wife says “Billy-Bob, take the carburetor out of the car so I can take a bath,”
you might be a redneck.
3) If you think the last three words of the national anthem is “start your engines.”
3) You might be a redneck if your family is half your town’s population!
4) You might be a redneck if you want to grow up to host your own fishing show.
5) You might be a redneck if you surf the internet in your speedo.
6) You know you’re a redneck when your family tree has only one branch in it, and it
loops.
7) You might just be a red neck if you house has wheels and your car doesn’t. You might be a redneck if your belt buckle is bigger than your shoe size
9) If you think that buddhism is a type of beer worship you might be a redneck.
10) You might be a redneck if you went to your mother’s prom!
11) You might be a redneck if you hear a triangle play at the opera house and you ask, “where’s dinner?”
12) You know your a redneck when people say you lie through your tooth.
13) You might be a redneck if you still have to put wood in the stove.
14) You might be a redneck if your T.V. antenna is a bread tie.

Two Kiwi’s are working on a building site in Auckland. Phul (Phil) & Muck (Mick). Anyway Phul turns to Muck & says, “Cawww I’ve gotta take a piss, but there’s nowhere to go, eh.”

“Walk out to the ind of thit plank,” replies Muck. “I’ll stand on this ind & balance ut.”

“Are you sure, Muck?”

“Yis, no worries”

“100%?”

“YIS!”

So out goes Phul to take a piss & the lunch siren sounds, Muck forgets what he’s supposed to be doing & steps off the plank & Phul is a goner.

Several days later an Australian, a Frenchman & a bloke from IN ZID ( New Zealand ) are sitting in a bar discussing which of their respective nations chase women the hardest… Wazza the Aussie says, “Mate I’ve been known to miss a piss up session down the Pub with me mates trying to crack on to sheila’s!”

Pierre, the Frenchman says, “No, No, No, Ve French chase ze women with much zest & give them gifts of love like French champagne to win their affection, it is us vor sure.”

Meanwhile Bob (the Kiwi) sits laughing & says, “No, You blokes are both wrong, the other day I was walking past a building site in Auckland following these 2 gorgeous looking Birds, and this bloke came plummetting from the sky with his dick in his hand screaming, “CUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTTT!!!”

Q. How can you tell when a blonde has a boyfriend?

A. She has a belt buckle imprint on her forehead.