Jokes News

What’s the difference between an ugly woman and a bowling ball?

If worse came to worse and you absolutely had to….you could eat a bowling ball….

See there was these three guys in a strip joint.

There was a lawyer, policeman, and a banker.

There was a lady dancing in front of them.

So the lawyer said ” Watch this!” He grabbed a 20 dollar bill and licked it and put it on her left butt cheek and she started to dance for him.

So the policeman said “No watch this!” He grabbed a 50 dollar bill and licked it and put it on her left butt cheek and she started to dance for him.

And the banker said, “That is kid stuff, watch this!” He grabbed his ATM card and put it between her butt cheeks and grabbed the 70 dollars and walked out!!

Julie Adams had just turned Sweet Sixteen and was praying that Jeff would ask her to the Junior Prom.

When he finally did, it was the happiest day in her life. She told her mother she would need a strapless dress for the Prom, so Mrs. Adams loaned Julie her credit card and sent her off to Gowns Unlimited for the purchase.

Julie picked up her new dress the morning of the Prom and it was perfect. Her only concern was that her Dad might think it was a little too daring, but Dads were too old-fashioned anyway. She had her hair done by her Mom’s hairdresser and went home for a nap before the big night.

Jeff was due at the Adams’ home at 8PM, so by 7:30 Julie had showered and put on her beautiful new gown. As she was leaving her bedroom, her Dad was coming up the stairs.

“Well, Daddy,” said Julie pirouetting around, “how do I look? I know you’re gonna say it’s too low-cut.”

“That depends,” said her father. “Do you have hair on your chest?”

The question surprised Julie. “Well of course not, Daddy,” she replied.

“Then it’s too low-cut.”

It’s a murder mystery. Can you finger the perpetrator?

A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other fellow workers. Based on past scrapes with the law, many of the following workers were considered prime suspects:

* The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged.

* The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.

* The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he didn’t do anything, that he was framed.

* The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.

* The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.

* The mason was a prime suspect because he gets stoned regularly.

* The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter.

The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. Why?

Answer: The evidence against him was irrefutable. It was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.

Case closed.

A man walks into a Chinese shop, looking at all of the curious, exotic things in there. He sees a brass rat sitting on a shelf, and asks the shop keeper how much it is.

The shop keeper says, “Ten dollars for rat, one thousand dollars for story about rat”.

The man replies, “Well, here’s ten bucks for the rat, keep your dumb story”.

“You’ll be back!”, the shop keeper said with a knowing, evil laugh.

The man left the shop with the brass rat, and walked down the street. Looking behind himself, he noticed a real rat following him. A few minutes later, there were 3 rats following him.

He started walking faster and faster, and every time he turned around, he saw more rats - 1000, 1000000, pretty soon there were billions of rats following him.

He ran as fast as he could, and finally ended up at the harbor. He threw the brass rat into the water, and all of the real rats jumped in the water after it and drowned.

The man went back to the Chinese shop.

“Ah, now you’ve come back for the story!”, said the shop keeper.

“No, I wanted to know if you sold any brass lawyers”, said the man.

BEST MAN FOR THE JOB

It is time to elect a world leader, and your vote counts. Here’s the scoop on the three leading candidates.

Candidate A: associates with ward heelers and consults with astrologists. He’s had two mistresses. He chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B: was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of brandy every evening.

Candidate C: is a decorated war hero. He’s a vegetarian, doesn’t smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn’t had any illicit affairs.

Which of these candidates is your choice??

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt

Candidate B is Winston Churchill

Candidate C is Adolph Hitler

Two miliary policemen were chasing a fleeing draftee from the military base. The draftee ran into the courtyard of a convent. He saw a nun seated on a round bench beneath a tree quietly reading a book. He said to her, “Quick Sister, please hide me. I don’t want to be drafted, and the M.P.’s are chasing me!”

She lifted up her skirt and said, “Quick! Hide under here.” The two policemen came by and asked if she had seen anyone. She replied, “No.”

After they left, she told the young boy to come out and that everything was going to be OK. He thanked her and said, “You have a nice set of legs for a nun!”

She replied, “If you reach up a little farther, you’ll find a nice set of balls, too. I’m not going to be drafted either!”

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

“Why?” asks the father.

“The teacher asked ‘How much is 2×3?’ I said ‘6′.”

“But that’s right!”

“Then she asked me ‘How much is 3×2?’”

“What’s the fucking difference?”

“That’s exactly what I said.”

There was this lady who was pregnant with triplets while going into her bank to get a deposit when a robber comes in the bank and shoots the lady 3 times in the stomach.

They call the ambulance and they rush the lady to the hospital to see if the shots would affect the births. Thankfully she went to her doctor, and the doctor said everything should be fine. So, when the time came, she had 2 baby girls, and a baby boy.

13 years later, one of the daughters goes into the bathroom, and then runs out to her mom and says, “Mommy, mommy, I peed a bullet!”. The mother tells the young lady the story and everything was fine. The second daughter goes into the bathroom and runs out to her mom and says, “Mommy, mommy, I peed a bullet! “. The mother tells the young lady the story and everything was fine. Then, the son goes into the bathroom and runs out to his mom, and the mother says, “Don’t tell me you peed a bullet?” And her son says,”No mom, I was masturbating and I shot the dog!”.

One day there was a guy sitting in a bar. He kept asking for small shots of vodka, and every time he drank one he would look in his pocket. So of course he asked the bartender for another vodka.

The bartender did not think much of it at first when he looked in his pocket again.

Then guy asked for two more vodkas and then looked in his pocket, the bartender started to get a little suspicious.

Then he asked for three more and drank them and looked in his pocket. The bartender just had to ask what he was doing.

So he asked, “Hey buddy, every time I give you a few vodkas you look in your shirt pocket … what the hell are you lookin’ at?”

So the man answered drunkly, “Well whenever I get off work I put a picture of my wife in that pocket and go and get some drinks.”

Then the bartender asks, “Why the hell would you do that?”

Then he answers, “Well ,when I get myself drunk enough to the point when she looks good, I go home and be her sex slave for a couple hours because it takes me a while to get it up.”