Jokes News

One day a Jew, a Hindu, and a lawyer all arrived at their hotel to find that there had been a mix-up with the bookings, and that there was only one room left for them to share. The manager explained that this room only had two beds, but that there was a barn at a neighboring farm which the farmer, an old friend of his, would let one of them sleep in, free of charge.

They complained a bit, but since there was nowhere else to go, the Jew graciously said he’d sleep in the barn.

The Hindu and the lawyer were just settling down to sleep in their room, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Jew. “I’m sorry,” he said, “but there’s a pig in that barn and because I’m Jewish, I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it.”

“No problem,” said the Hindu. “I’ll sleep out there instead.” So off he went to the barn, leaving the lawyer and the Jew to share the room.

They were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Hindu. “I’m sorry,” he said, “but there’s a cow in that barn and because I’m a Hindu I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it.”

The lawyer grudgingly agreed to give up his bed and stomped off to the barn, leaving the Jew and the Hindu to share the room.

The Jew and the Hindu were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the pig…

A middle aged woman is on the operating table for bypass surgery when she has a near-death experience. She is floating above the room and sees God. “Excuse me, God,” she says, “Is this the end?”

“Oh no, my dear,” says God. “You have another forty years to live.”

When she recovers, she decides to remain in the hospital for a complete makeover, knowing she’s going to be around for another forty years. She gets a face-lift, liposuction, tummy tuck, new hairline, etc.

Leaving the hospital, she steps off the curb to cross to the parking lot and is immediately hit and killed by a speeding ambulance.

She arrives in front of God and is a bit upset. “You told me I had another forty years to live and now I’m dead! What’s the big idea?”

“Sorry, my mistake … I didn’t recognize you.”

In the beginning God created the earth and rested. Later he created men and rested. Soon he created women and from then on neither God nor man has rested.

This is supposedly a TRUE story:

On a San Francisco to LA shuttle flight, there was a 45 minute delay and all on-board passengers were “ticked”. Without warning, the plane made a stop in Sacramento. A flight attendant informed the passengers of the delay, and invited folks to exit the aircraft if they wished, advising that they should return in 30 minutes.

All exited, except for one man who was blind and traveling with his guide dog, who was resting patiently under his master’s seat.

The flight’s captain, who knew the blind man, approached him and said, “We’re gonna be here for at least 30 minutes, wouldn’t you like to leave the plane and stretch your legs?” The man said, “No,” but noted that perhaps his dog would want to go for a quick walk. The captain took the dog and led him toward the craft’s jetway.

As the pilot (still wearing his Ray Ban sunglasses) exited the jetway with the guide dog, passengers of the flight actually came to a complete standstill and stared in disbelief.

The majority scattered, heading toward the airline ticket counters. Virtually all of them changed planes, and a few even changed airlines, even after being assured by airline employees that the dog did NOT belong to the pilot.

Which building in the world has the most number of stories?

A library.

A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee a sits down to drinking it. She looks on the side of her cup and finds a peal off prize. She pull off the tab and yells, “I WON! I WON! I WONa motor home; I WON a motor home!”

The waitress runs over and says, “That’s impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!” The blonde replies, “No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!”

By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, “You couldn’t possibly have won a motor homes because we didn’t have that as a prize!” Again the blonde says, “No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!”

The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, “WIN A BAGEL.”

A cowboy & Indian scout been in the desert for a while. Indian travel on foot & tracked on this mission. Job completed, headed for town. Closer they got, the cowboy thought about how good a cold beer would taste, so he road faster & faster. Tried not to overheat the horse or his Indian companion. When they got to the saloon, the horse was lathered with sweat & heat. No air stirring & worried his horse would die, he asked the Indian to run around the horse, stir air on him til the horse cooled down. He went on in & had a brew.

A 2nd cowboy comes in the saloon and asked, “Is that your black horse out there?”

The cowboy replied, “Yeah, what about it?”

The 2nd cowboy replied, “Well, you left your injun running.”

#1 The blonde was so stupid that she put lipstick on her forehead to makeup her mind.

#2, What do you call 10 blondes in a circle,
a dope ring

Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their wives thought of them.

The first guy said, “My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won’t let me do any work around the house. It’s incredible.”

The second guy says, “That’s nothing. My wife thinks I’m God.”

“She thinks you’re God? What makes you say that?”

“Easy. Every night she places a burnt offering before me.”

Martin was being interviewed for a new job. The person conducting the interview wanted to find out something about his personality, so he asked, “If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?”

Without hestitation, Martin responded, “The living one, of course!”