Jokes News

A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he’d been given. “This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on,” he said.

“I know,” the owner said, “But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained.”

The contractor said, “Well, I don’t mind an occasional mistake, but when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have
to call it to your attention.”

U.S. actress Sharon Mitchell, heroine of the X-rated film “Captain Lust,” once experienced difficulty getting a check cashed at a New York bank because she didn’t have her driver’s license or other means of identification with her. She did, however, have a magazine containing a nude picture of herself. Handing the magazine to the teller, she lifted her sweater up to her chin and struck the same pose.

The check was cashed.

Two days after her daughter Mary’s marriage to Tom, Mrs. Robinson decided to pay Mary a visit to see how the newly-weds were doing. When she knocked on the door to Mary’s apartment unit, Mrs. Robinson was so shocked to see her daughter opening the door in her birthday suit that she demanded, “What are you doing walking around the house naked, Mary?”

Mary replied, “Oh Mom! This is my LOVE dress. This drives Tom crazy with desire!”

“Well, I will just have to come back next week after the honeymoon’s over.”

So the next week, Mrs. Robinson went to see her daughter Mary. After she knocked on the door, the door was opened by Mary who was again stark naked. Mrs. Robinson was again so shocked that she asked, “Mary, what’s the meaning of this?”

Mary replied, “Can’t you see this is my LOVE dress? This keeps my marriage still hot and spicy!”

“Oh dear. I’ll just go home now. Just call me when you need anything.”

When Mrs. Robinson returned home, she got to thinking what Mary had said. So that afternoon when Mr. Robinson came home from work, he was struck speechless to see Mrs. Robinson greet him wearing nothing at all.

Seeing her husband’s bewildered expression, Mrs. Robinson smiled and said, “Honey, this is my LOVE dress. What do you think?”

Taking a deep breath, Mr. Robinson said tentatively, “Ahhh, I think, umm, you should, ahh, have it ironed first.”

A very shy man is with all his college buddies in a bar one day, and he notices a very attractive girl sitting by herself. After gathering enough courage, he finally gets up and asks her if he chould buy her a drink, whereby she screams, “NO, I WILL NOT SLEEP WITH YOU TONIGHT!”

The man, after being humiliated goes back to his buddies and sits down.

Ten minutes later, the woman comes over to him and apologizes to him saying that she is in university, and is studing the effect of embarassment on men, to which he screams “WHAT - 200 DOLLARS? - THERE’S NO WAY YOU’RE WORTH THAT!!”

Dan is so hot for some action tonight that he goes to the nearby singles bar to try his luck. Once inside, he spots an attractive young girl sitting all alone by the bar. So he approaches her and gets the surprise of his life when the girl asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him to come back to her place.

The two jump into a taxi cab and as soon as they get back to her apartment, they dive straight into bed and spend the night hard at it.

Finally spent, Dan rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.

“There might be some matches in the top drawer,” she replies as she caresses Dan’s thigh tenderly.

Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, Dan begins to worry. “Is this your husband?” he asks nervously.

“No, silly,” she says as she snuggles up to him.

“Your boyfriend then?”

“No, don’t be daft,” she says, nibbling away at his ear.

“Well, who is he then?” demands Dan.

Calmly, the girl gets a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, “That’s me before the operation.”

Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays the contents on her wrist and smells it, “That’s quite nice, don’t you think, Tracy?”

“Yeah, Sharon. What’s it called ?”

“Viens a moi.”

“Viens a moi? What does that mean?”

At this stage the store clerk offers some help. “Viens a moi, ladies, is French for ‘come to me.’”

Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracy again saying, “That doesn’t smell like cum to me. Does that smell like cum to you?”

A white lady on a business trip arrived in LA in the heat of the rioting. She was very nervous and distressed about her safety, and the danger she felt, lurked around every corner. After checking in at the front desk she headed to the elevator.

Upon arriving at the elevator, there were already 3 black men on it. She quickly debated with herself about the situation. “This is ridiculous, I have nothing to fear from these men, here in the middle of a reputable hotel. OK, no problem, I’m going to ride this elevator, etc….”

She then stepped into the elevator and quickly turned her back on the 3 men and faced the door. Shortly after the door closed, she heard one of the men say, “Hit the floor, lady.” She immediately dropped to her stomach in terror.

Upon her quick dive for the floor the 3 men broke out hysterically in laughter. The man, after all, had simply meant for her to select the floor she wished to go to. She was terribly shaken and embarrassed about the whole thing, but tried to shake it off, as she had several days of business to attend to.

At the end of her stay, she went to check out of the hotel and pay for her room. To her confusion the clerk informed her that her room had been taken care of. He then handed her a note and explained that it had been left by the person who had picked up the tab for the room.

And the note said : “Thanks for the best laugh I’ve ever had in an elevator.”
-Eddie Murphy

“Say,” said the smooth operator in a confidential tone to the host of the party, “there’s a lot of hot babes at this party. If I find one that’s ready to grab a quick one, would you mind if I used your extra bedroom?”

“What about your wife?”

“Oh, I won’t be gone that long. She’ll never miss me.”

“No, I’m sure she won’t miss you,” smirked the host, “but fifteen minutes ago SHE borrowed the extra bedroom.”

There was once a woman who had an affair with her husband’s friend.

One night, the friend happened to come over to the couples house for dinner. That night witnessed a very bad snow storm and the husband told his friend that he could stay over in their house for the night. Since the apartment had only one bedroom, they decided that all three of them would sleep in the same room.

Towards midnight, the guest got really horny and crouched up to the lady and began fondling her all over. The lady was scared that her husband might wake up. To test this, the friend pulled out one hair from the man’s butt. Nothing happened. So they thought that it was safe.

They started out with some foreplay. After a while the lady suggested that they might need to check on her husband. So, the friend pulled another hair out of his butt. Nothing happened.

Happy enough, the two were now tightly locked in embrace and were wildly having sex now. To dispell the lady’s fears, the friend pulled another hair out of the husband’s butt. To this the husband replied, “It’s bad enough that you are fucking my wife. You don’t have to use my ass for a scoreboard!”

Funny boy: Hey, do you know what the girl said to her boyfriend, when he asked her, if he could sleep with her?

Annoyed boy: No

Funny boy: Right!! Do you know what the girl said when her boyfriend asked her, if he could sleep with her?

Annoyed boy: Not again

Funny boy: Right!!! Do you know what the girl said to her boyfriend, when he asked if he could sleep with her?

Annoyed boy: Hey, this is the third time! It’s enough now! Leave me alone!

Funny boy: Right!!!!