Jokes News

Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden. However, no matter what she did, she couldn’t get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbor’s garden, which had lovely, bright red tomatores, she went over one day and ask him his secret.

“It’s really quite simple,” the old man explained. “Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes, and they turn red with embarrassment.”

Desperate for the perfect garden, she took his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily.

Two weeks passed, and her neighbor stopped by to check on her progress. “So,” he asked, “any luck with your tomatoes?”

“No,” she replied, excitedly, “but you should SEE the size of my CUCUMBERS!”

KNOCK KNOCK

Who’s there??

Polish Burglar

Who is Jack Schitt?

Who is Jack Schitt? The Lineage Revealed.

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, “You
don’t know Jack Schitt”. Now, You can handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt,
the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of
Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious
couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt
and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a
high school dropout.

After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe
later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with
them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe
Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son,
Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable
throughout childhood and consequently, married the Happens
brothers in a dual ceremony.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull
Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He
recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now, when someone say’s you don’t know Jack Schitt, you can
correct them.

Seriously think about this and check your PC at the previous screen.... Why is it that Candyman can make racial jokes and everyone thinks that it is funny; but when that ow guy jokes about Jews, you all get ticked? Do Asians and Hispanics deserve this tre

He is 60, I am 53. We have a wonderful sex life. A few of the women in his address book are old girlfriends.

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Yeltsin, Clinton and Bill Gates were invited to have dinner with God.

During dinner He told them:

“I need three important people to send my message out to all people:
Tomorrow I will destroy the earth.”

Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and told them: “I have two really bad news items for you:

1) God really exists and
2) Tomorrow He will destroy the earth.”

Clinton called an emergency meeting of the Senate and Congress and
told them: “I have good news and bad news:

1) The GOOD news is that God really does exist
2) The BAD news is, tomorrow He is going to destroy the earth.”

Bill Gates went back to Microsoft and very happily announced: “I have two fantastic announcements:

1) I am one of the three most important people on earth
2) The Year 2000 problem is solved.”

“I think we agree, the past is over.”—On his meeting with John McCain, Dallas Morning News, May 10, 2000

“It’s clearly a budget. It’s got a lot of numbers in it.”–Reuters, May 5, 2000 (Thanks to Allison Fansler.)

GOV. BUSH: Because the picture on the newspaper. It just seems so un-American to me, the picture of the guy storming the house with a scared little boy there. I talked to my little brother, Jeb—I haven’t told this to many people. But he’s the governor of—I shouldn’t call him my little brother–my brother, Jeb, the great governor of Texas.
JIM LEHRER: Florida.
GOV. BUSH: Florida. The state of the Florida.—The NewsHour With Jim Lehrer, April 27, 2000

“Laura and I really don’t realize how bright our children is sometimes until we get an objective analysis.”—Meet the Press, April 15, 2000

“I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It’s pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.”—In Los Angeles as quoted by the Los Angeles Times, April 8, 2000

“We want our teachers to be trained so they can meet the obligations, their obligations as teachers. We want them to know how to teach the science of reading. In order to make sure there’s not this kind of federal—federal cufflink.”—At Fritsche Middle School, Milwaukee, March 30, 2000

“Other Republican candidates may retort to personal attacks and negative ads.”—Fund-raising letter from George W. Bush, quoted in the Washington Post, March 24, 2000

“People make suggestions on what to say all the time. I’ll give you an example; I don’t read what’s handed to me. People say, ‘Here, here’s your speech, or here’s an idea for a speech.’ They’re changed. Trust me.”—Interview with the New York Times, March 15, 2000

“It’s evolutionary, going from governor to president, and this is a significant step, to be able to vote for yourself on the ballot, and I’ll be able to do so next fall, I hope.”—In an interview with the Associated Press, March 8, 2000 (Thanks to Joshua Micah Marshall.)

“I understand small business growth. I was one.”—New York Daily News, Feb. 19, 2000

“The senator has got to understand if he’s going to have—he can’t have it both ways. He can’t take the high horse and then claim the low road.”—To reporters in Florence, S.C., Feb. 17, 2000

“Really proud of it. A great campaign. And I’m really pleased with the organization and the thousands of South Carolinians that worked on my behalf. And I’m very gracious and humbled.”—To Cokie Roberts, This Week, Feb. 20, 2000

“I don’t want to win? If that were the case why the heck am I on the bus 16 hours a day, shaking thousands of hands, giving hundreds of speeches, getting pillared in the press and cartoons and still staying on message to win?”—Newsweek, Feb. 28, 2000

“I thought how proud I am to be standing up beside my dad. Never did it occur to me that he would become the gist for cartoonists.”—ibid.

“If you’re sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.”—Hilton Head, S.C., Feb. 16, 2000

“How do you know if you don’t measure if you have a system that simply suckles kids through?”—Explaining the need for educational accountability in Beaufort, S.C., Feb. 16, 2000

“We ought to make the pie higher.”—South Carolina Republican Debate, Feb. 15, 2000

“The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case.”—Pella, Iowa, as quoted by the San Antonio Express-News, Jan. 30, 2000

“This is Preservation Month. I appreciate preservation. It’s what you do when you run for president. You gotta preserve.”—Speaking during “Perseverance Month” at Fairgrounds Elementary School in Nashua, N.H. As quoted in the Los Angeles Times, Jan. 28, 2000

“I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family.”—Greater Nashua, N.H., Chamber of Commerce, Jan. 27, 2000

“This is still a dangerous world. It’s a world of madmen and uncertainty and potential mential losses.”—At a South Carolina oyster roast, as quoted in the Financial Times, Jan. 14, 2000

“Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?”—Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

“Gov. Bush will not stand for the subsidation of failure.”—ibid.

“I read the newspaper.”—In answer to a question about his reading habits, New Hampshire Republican Debate, Dec. 2, 1999

“The students at Yale came from all different backgrounds and all parts of the country. Within months, I knew many of them.”—From A Charge To Keep, by George W. Bush, published November 1999

“It is incredibly presumptive for somebody who has not yet earned his party’s nomination to start speculating about vice presidents.”—Keene, N.H., Oct. 22, 1999, quoted in the New Republic, Nov. 15, 1999

“The important question is, How many hands have I shaked?”—Answering a question about why he hasn’t spent more time in New Hampshire, in the New York Times, Oct. 23, 1999

“I don’t remember debates. I don’t think we spent a lot of time debating it. Maybe we did, but I don’t remember.”—On discussions of the Vietnam War when he was an undergraduate at Yale, Washington Post, July 27, 1999

“The only thing I know about Slovakia is what I learned first-hand from your foreign minister, who came to Texas.”—To a Slovak journalist as quoted by Knight Ridder News Service, June 22, 1999. Bush’s meeting was with Janez Drnovsek, the prime minister of Slovenia.

“If the East Timorians decide to revolt, I’m sure I’ll have a statement.”—Quoted by Maureen Dowd in the New York Times, June 16, 1999

“Keep good relations with the Grecians.”—Quoted in the Economist, June 12, 1999

“Kosovians can move back in.”—CNN Inside Politics, April 9, 1999

“It was just inebriating what Midland was all about then.”—From a 1994 interview, as quoted in First Son, by Bill Minutaglio

Three gang bangers are shot in an aborted holdup. While awaiting their fate to determine whether they are to go to Heaven or to Hell, they sneak out of the holding zone and arrive at the Pearly Gates where upon they are greeted by St. Peter.

“Check it out, bro,” says the lead gang banger to St. Peter. “Dis is where we belong.”

“I’m sorry,” replies St. Peter, “but I don’t see any of your names on the admittance list.”

“Say what?” says the gang banger. “Look closer and check out our rap sheet man,” demands the gang boss.

“I have,” said St. Peter. “You’ve raped, you’ve robbed, you’ve pillaged. There’s no way God would allow your kind here in heaven.”

“Bullshit,” says the gang banger. “I knows God and I’m sure that if you aksed him personally he’d see to it that we’d be welcome with open arms here in Heaven.”

“If you insist, I’ll go ask God,” replies St. Peter. “Just stay put and I’ll be right back.”

With that St. Peter knocks on God’s door and enters.

“Excuse me, Lord, but I’ve got three gang bang members waiting outside the Pearly Gates looking to get in to Heaven. They are insistent that you come down and talk to them,” said St. Peter. “Personally, there is no way their kind is welcome here in Heaven, but I told them I would at least ask you.”

“Judge no man by his outward self,” God responds. “I’ll go and see for myself whether they are worthy of life everafter here in paradise.”

With that God leaves and returns shortly thereafter.

“I went there and they were gone,” said God upon his return.

“The gang bangers were gone?” asked St. Peter.

“No, the Pearly Gates. They were gone!”

One day, a brothel owner from the back woods of a distant hick town went to visit “the big city”. As he walked along one of the main thoroughfares he happened to come to an adult store.

The brothel owner was gazing at the paraphenalia displayed in the front window when he spotted some inflatable dolls in the back corner. He thought, “Hey, I’ve been havin’ a heck of a time gettin’ me some decent girls to work, may-be this will help. Hell, with my customers they’ll never know the difference!” So he went inside and bought half a dozen dolls.

When the brothel owner got back to his house of ill-repute he inflated the dolls, set them up in the bedrooms, and opened for business as usual.

About ten minutes after opening, one of the regular customers staggered down the stairs in his underwear. The owner looked at the man and asked what was wrong. The customer answered, “Well, I don’t know. I sher did like that gal up there in room #3. OOO-eee, she sher is perty! I ran my fingers through her long silky hair. I gazed into her blue eyes. I kissed her luscious red lips. I ran my tongue down her long beautiful neck. Then I started to nibble on her tit, and she farted and jumped out the window!”

Bush trusts the people, but not if it involves counting.