Jokes News

Did you hear about the new feminine hygiene called SSY?

It takes the PU out of Pussy.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a long line of people and a horse. Next to the horse he sees a large jar full of money. He asks the bartender what was going on. The bartender says “If you wait in that line, drop a five in that jar and make my horse laugh, you get to keep the money.” The guy decides to give it a try. He drops his five and leans in and whispers in the horse’s ear. The horse starts to laugh and soon he was laughing so hysterically, he fell down in laughter. The guy grabs the jar and leaves the bar.

The following week, the guy returns to the bar, and again there is a line of people and a jar full of money. He asks the bartender what was going on, and he said that this time, you have to make the horse cry to get the money. The guy decided to give it a try. He drops his five and takes the horse by the reins and leads it outside. A few minutes go by and the guy returns with the horse in tears. The guy grabs the jar and heads for the door. The bartender says, “Wait a minute, you came in here and took my money last week, and you are doing it again, I have to know, how did you make my horse laugh, and how did you make him cry?”

The guy said “It was easy, to make him laugh I told him I had a bigger penis than he did, to make him cry, I took him outside and showed him.”

The dean and the coach struck a simple deal: Despite his abysmal grades, the all-star tackle could play in the big game if, and only if, he could learn and remember the formula for water by the day of the game.

The coach and the chemistry teacher both worked with the gridiron star, and were confident that he’d come through with flying colors.

On the morning of the game the dean came down to the locker room where the tackle was suiting up.

“Well,” said the dean. “What is the formula for water?”

Grinning broadly, and drawing confidence from the presence of his proud coach, the player said, “H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O.”

(try to think like a football player, and you’ll get it.)

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote:

“I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said,
“I’ve been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I’ve never had a dog steal towels, bed clothes or silverware or pictures off the walls. I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you’re welcome to stay here, too.”

One day this guy is sitting on a park bench eating a bald eagle. A cop comes by and says..”Hey fella…What do you think you are doing? That is an endangered species! You can’t kill it and eat it!” The cop arrests him and takes him to jail…

The next day he goes to court and the judge says, “Sir, do you realize that a bald eagle is an endangered species and you can spend up to 5 years in jail for killing and eating it?”

The guy says, “Yes your honor…but I am poor and if I didn’t eat it, I would have starved!” The judge pauses a few minutes and says, “Well sir, under the circumstances, I guess I will make an exception. You are free to go…..but first I want to ask you a question: What exactly does a bald eagle taste like?”

The guy thinks for a moment and says…”Well, your Honor…….It’s kinda like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl.”

Some young city boy scouts were on their first camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten.

Then one of them saw some lightning bugs and said to his friend, “We might as well give up. They’re coming after us now with flashlights.”

Yo mama is so fat, when she steps on a scale it says, “To be continued”

Yo mama is sooo fat, when she sits around the house, SHE SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!

Yo Mama is so fat, when she steps on the scale it says, “One at a time please”

A woman is putting her son’s laundry away and is shocked to find a sado-masochistic magizine in his drawer. She calls her husband tells him what she’s found in their son’s room and asks what she should do.

The husband thinks for a second and then
says, “Well, for God’s sakes, whatever you do, DON’T SPANK HIM!”

In the lower ranks of the MIS world, sorting out job titles is a nearly impossible task. Some folks are called Analysts. Some are called Programmers. Some are called Engineers. None of them has window offices.

A truly experienced high-tech professional has held five or even six of these positions . . . usually all at the same time.

10. Programmer:
This person holds the lowest rank in the DP field. Manages no one. Answers to everyone. Approximately 50% of the Programmer’s time is scheduled for testing. Another 50% is spent filling out time cards and progress reports. Any time left over is spent attending classes on technologies that will never be used in the shop.

The Programmer is appraised on code quality and reliability. Never has time to write any. Hopes to, someday, be promoted to Systems Analyst.

9. Systems Analyst:
The Systems Analyst refuses to code anymore. Designs new systems. Writes specs for new systems. Devises procedures and work flows for new systems but ends up training users on how to get by with the old ones. Next in line for Team Leader position.

8. Team Leader:
A Team Leader manages one project. Doesn’t know why he’s not called Project Leader; that’s what he has on his resume.

7. Project Leader:
Manages several projects at once. Analyzes Gantt charts from the Team Leaders’ projects. Coordinates schedules from the Team Leaders’ projects. Monitors deliverables from the Team Leaders’ projects. Has absolutely no idea what any of the Team Leaders’ projects are about. Wants to be a programmer again.

6. Computer Operator:
The Operator wields powers that the Project Leader can only dream about. Makes Programmers beg for tape drives. Makes Analysts beg for disk space. Makes Team Leaders beg for printouts. Has an uncanny understanding of career potential in the data processing industry. Going to law school at night.

5. Systems Programmer:
Even an Operator wants to be a Systems Programmer. A Systems Programmer has the authority to wipe out disk packs without warning. Crash the system during user demos. Make new releases appear, then disappear, then reappear again, especially during month-end processing.

4. DBA:
No one really knows what the Database Administrator does, and no one is smart enough to know if the DBA is doing it or not. But every shop must have one DBA, because no place can afford two of them.

3. Manager:
The Manager is sometimes called a Director. Or an Assistant Vice-President. Or an Account Manager. Has completely lost touch with any facsimile of technology. Wants to finish next year’s budget. Wants to finish last year’s appraisals. Wants to learn the names of some of the Programmers. But instead, only has time to interview job applicants, especially DBAs.

2. Department Secretary:
The Programmers have word processing. The Managers have electronic mail. Everyone has automatic phone messaging. This leaves the Department Secretary with all kinds of time to manipulate, control and dispense the three most basic employee needs: paychecks, rumors and supplies. Can make copier self-destruct just by going to lunch.

1. Contract Programmer:
A Contract Programmer doesn’t have to wear a nice suit. Or go to meetings. Or fill out time cards. Or keep complaints to himself. He can make all the mistakes he wants. He doesn’t get benefits. He doesn’t get training. He doesn’t get respect.

But after years in the trenches, the Contract Programmer will finally achieve the ultimate goal in the profession: He will be able to make impossible deadlines with inadequate resources for desperate managers by putting in all kinds of extra hours… and will be paid overtime for every one of them.

<< > IDIOTS IN SERVICE
>
> This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the
> telephone
> repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When
> I
> asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman
> asked, “Would you like us to call you before we come?” I replied that I
> didn’t see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren’t
> working.
> He also requested that we report future outages by email (Does YOUR email
> work without a telephone line?).