Jokes News

Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and JFK?

A: One got his head blown off in a car, the other was assassinated.

The woman in the bar noticed the man’s zipper was unzipped. She told him his garage door was open.

So smarty pants said, zipping up, “Did you notice that long red Cadillac in my garage?”

And she replied, “No, but I noticed the little Volkswagen with two flat tires.”

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, paid the bill and bought a soft drink.

As he stood by his car to drink his cola, he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep, then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole.

While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind, filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road.

“I can’t stand this,” said the man, tossing the soda can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

“Hold it, hold it,” he said to the men. “Can you tell me what’s going on here with this digging?”

“Well, we work for the county,” one of the men said.

“But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You’re not accomplishing anything. Aren’t you wasting the county’s money?”

“You don’t understand, Mister,” one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. “Normally there’s three of us … me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back. Now just because Rodney’s sick, that don’t mean that Mike and me can’t work.”

......considering her state of health ( she contracted a condition more severe than MRSA during treatment in hospital).

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A boy and his classmates arrive at school on Monday. Their teacher tells them that every Friday he will ask the class a question on what they have been learning, and that whoever answers it correctly will not have to go to school until Tuesday.

With this, the boy decides for the first week to see how hard the question is. On Friday, the teacher asks the class, “How much water is in the Atlantic Ocean?” The boy thinks to himself, that doesn’t seem too hard, next week I’ll study a little, and see if I can answer the question correctly.”

So the next week, the boy studies a little, and on Friday the teacher asks a question. He asks, “How much sand is there in the Sahara desert?” The boy thinks to himself, “I don’t know that, but I didn’t study that much, and he decides to study a whole lot the next week.”

Friday rolls around, and in the week that had passed, the boy had been in his room studying at great length, it was all he did. On Friday, the teacher asks, “How many stars are there in the galaxy?” The boy thinks to himself, I did all this studying, and I still don’t know the answer.

At this time, the boy is very annoyed, and for the next week’s question he does not study at all. On the Friday, he instead brings two big black marbles to school. The teacher is about to ask his question when the boy hurls the two large marbles at his teacher, narrowly missing him, and smashing on the chalk board.

In reaction to this, the teacher says, “Alright, who’s the comedian with the big black balls?”

The boy replies, “Eddie Murphy, see ya Tuesday.”

“Sure, my husband is the head of this household.”

“I’m just the neck. But guess which part can turn the head anyway it wants it to move.”

Two computer fanatics stare at a woman and have a conversation:A:Look what kind of "properties" she has.B:Let her go.She is "read-only".

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Mommy Mommy why is everyone running?

SHUT UP, and reload.

For more than an hour the scrawny guy sat at the bar staring down in his glass. Suddenly a burly truck driver loped across the room, sat down next to him and drank the guys drink. The poor fellow burst out crying.

“Oh, come on, pal,” the trucker said. “I was joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink.”

“No, that’s not it,” the man replied. “This has been the worst day of my life. I overslept, was late for work and got fired. When I left the office I found that my car had been stolen. I hailed a cab to go home but realized I had left my wallet at the house, so I walked the six miles home. Then I found my wife in the bed with my neighbor, so I grabbed my wallet and came here. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life,” the guy sighed, “you show up and drink my poison.”

Q: Why can’t Miss Piggy count to 70?

A: Because once she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.