Jokes News

A man walked into a bar with a duck under his arm,and the bartender said”Sorry Sir, no pets allowed.”

The man replied”But this is a special duck, this is Chuck the Duck”

The bartender was puzzled”why is this duck so special?”
The man asked if the bartender had a match,the bartender handed the man a match.

The man lit the match and placed it under Chuck’s right wing, and Chuck started singing “Jingle Bells”.

The man asked for another match, he lit it and placed it under Chuck’s left wing, Chuck started singing “Up on the house Top”.

The bartender asked “I wonder what would happen if you put one under his tail?”

The man asked for a match ,he lit it and placed it under the Chuck’s tail..Chuck replied with
“Chuck’s Nut’s roasting…on an open fire”

Q. If 2 queers and 2 lesbians got in a race who would win??

A. The lesbians because they’re done licky split while the queers are still packing their shit.

Three Hells Angels are sitting at a table in a transport cafe when in walks a nun who takes a seat next to them and begins to eat.

Astonished, one Hell’s Angel says, “I went to my parents’ wedding last week and we all got shit-faced.”

The nun continues to eat even though she obviously has heard the exchange.

Being quick on the uptake, the second one says, “My dad says he will marry my mother next year.”

Despite this, the nun still stays right where she is. Eager to get a response from the nun, the third one says, “My old man will never EVER marry my mother!”

The nun looks up from her food and says, “Would one of you bastards please pass the salt?”

After a two year study, the National Science Foundation has announced the following results on America’s recreational preferences:

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is basketball.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling.

3. The sport of choice for blue-collar line workers is football.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is tennis.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is golf.

7. CONCLUSION OF STUDY: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

CLINTON VIRUS
Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.

VIAGRA VIRUS
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

LEWINSKY VIRUS
Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did.

RONALD REAGAN VIRUS
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS
Quits after two bytes.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to 200MB.

DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS
Deletes all old files.

ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS
Disks can no longer be inserted.

DISNEY VIRUS
Everything in your computer goes Goofy :).

PROZAC VIRUS
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn’t care.

JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS
Only attacks minor files.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BAAAAACK.

LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS
Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

Q: Why did God give blondes one more brain cell than horses?

A: So they don’t poop in the parade.

This letter was started by a woman like yourself in the hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discontented women.

Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five friends who are equally frustrated, then bundle up your husband or boyfriend, and send him to the woman whose name appears at the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.

When your name comes to the top of the list, you will receive 16,887 men…one of them is bound to be a heck of a lot better than the one you already have.

Do not break the chain. One woman broke the chain and got her own husband back.

At this writing, a friend of mine already received 184 men. She was buried yesterday, but it took three undertakers 86 hours to get the smile off her face, and two days to get her legs together so they could close the coffin.

Other male friends of mine have encouraged me to hurry up and send this letter along so their name can move up faster!