A petient goes to his G.P. with an embarrassing flatulence problem. He tells his Doctor that he has a farting disorder which he cannot control. He farts in the most inappropriate of places - in subways, restaurants, libraries. The farts happen inadvertently and is unmanageable.

After hearing the details, the Doctor says “OK, here’s what I’ll do. I’ll stick my finger up your bum and feel around to see what the cause of the problem maybe”.

“OK Doc, but can you stick two fingers” replies the patient.

“Oh, why’s that?” asks the Doctor.

“Because I would like a second opinion”.

One day a third grade teacher was giving a guessing test to her students. She told them to close their eyes, while she put an item of food in their mouth.

She told Bobby to close his eyes and open his mouth. She put an orange slice in his mouth and said, “Tell me what it is.” Bobby said an orange slice. She said, “You win.”

She told Jane to do the same and she put a Hershey’s kiss in her mouth and told her to guess, but she could not.

She said, “I will give you a hint: It is what Mommy gives Daddy each night.”

Johnny yell from the back of the room.
“Spit it out, Jane! It’s a piece of ass!”

Q: WHAT SEPARATES THE CHEESEHEADS FROM THE SHITHEADS?

A: THE ILLINOIS STATE LINE.

Corporate Buzzwords for 2000

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn’t work out obsessively.

Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves.

Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.

Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.

SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.

Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property, and no regrets.

Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. “We had three serious students in class; the rest were just tourists.”

Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.

Going Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.

Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. “Ask Larry, he’s the Alpha Geek around here.”

Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Chips and Salsa: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. “Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem is in your chips or your salsa.”

Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

GOOD job: A “Get-Out-Of-Debt” job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a Vice President at a downsizing computer firm: “You have reached the number of an uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance.” See also Decruitment.

Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand positions required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

Yuppie Food Stamps: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: “We all owe $8 each, but all anybody’s got is yuppie food stamps.”

Yo mama so fat, her cereal boal comes with a lifeguard.
Yo mama so fat, her picture takes two frames.
Yo mama so fat, when she was diagnosed with a flesh eating disease, the doctor gave her 10 years!
Yo mama so fat, whether she lays down or stands up her height is the same!
Yo mama so fat, when she hauls ass she needs volunteers!
Yo mama so fat, if ya yell “KOOL AID” she comes crashing through the wall.
Yo mama so fat, when she runs the CD player skips…..at the radio station!