Jokes News

ACURA -Another Crummy, Useless, Rotten Automobile

AMC -All Makes Combined
AMC -A Major Cost
AMC -A Mutated Car
AMC -A Moron’s Car
AMC -Another Major Catastrophe
AUDI -Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
AUDI -All Unsafe Designs Implemented
AUDI -Another Ugly Duetsche Invention
AUDI -Always Undermining Deutsche Intelligence
AUDI -Automobile Unsafe Designs, Inc.

BMW -Babbling Mechanical Wench
BMW -Beastly Monsterous Wonder
BMW -Beautiful Masterpieces on Wheels
BMW -Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
BMW -Barely Moving Wreck
BMW -Big Money Waste
BMW -Big Money. Why?
BMW -Big Money Works
BMW -Born Moderately Wealthy
BMW -Bought My Wife
BMW -Break My Windows
BMW -Break My Windshield
BMW -Breaks Most Wrenches
BMW -Bring Many Wrenches
BMW -Brings Me Women
BMW -Brings More Women
BMW -Broken Money Waster
BMW -Broke My Wallet
BMW -Broken Monstrous Wonder
BMW -Brutal Money Waster
BMW -Bumbling Mechanical Wretch
BMW -Blastphemous Motorized Wreck

BUICK -Big Ugly Import Car Killer
BUICK -Big Ugly Immitation Chrome King
BUICK -Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
BUICK -Big Ugly Indestructable Compact Killer
BUICK -Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer

CADILLAC -Crazy And Demented Idiots Like Large American Cars
CADILLAC -Cars Are Driven In Long Lines And Crashed

CHEVROLET -Car Has Extensive Valve Rattle, Or Loud Engine Ticks
CHEVROLET -Cracked Heads, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
CHEVROLET -Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
CHEVROLET -Car Has Extensive Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips
CHEVROLET -Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
CHEVROLET -Cheap Heaps Erratically Vibrate Running On Level Even Terrain
CHEVROLET -Constantly Having Every Vehicle Recalled Over Lousy Engineering Techniques
CHEVROLET -Cracked Heads, Every Valve’s Rotten, Oil Leaks Every Time

CHEVY -Cheapest Heap Ever Visioned Yet
CHEVY -Can Hear Every Valve Yell

DODGE -Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater
DODGE -Dead Old Dog Going East
DODGE -Dead On Day Guarantee Expires
DODGE -Dead On Delivery, Go Easy
DODGE -Dead On Delivery, Guarantee Expired
DODGE -Dead Or Dying Garbage Emitter
DODGE -Drips Oil Drops Grease Everywhere
DODGE -Driven Only During Grey Evenings

EDSEL -Every Day Something Else Leaks

FIAT -Failed In A Tunnel
FIAT -Fails In Attempted Turns
FIAT -Failure In Automotive Technology
FIAT -Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation
FIAT -Fits In A Thimble
FIAT -Fix It Again, Tony!
FIAT -Flats In All Tires
FIAT -Found In A Trench

FORD -Fabricated Of Refried Dung
FORD -Fails On Rainy Days
FORD -Famous Odor Resistant Dog
FORD -Falling Off: Rusty Door
FORD -Fast Only Rolling Downhill
FORD -Fantastically Orgasmic Realistic Dream
FORD -Fastest On Road, Dip!
FORD -Fatally Obese Redneck Driver
FORD -Fault Of R&D
FORD -Final Organ of Reproductive Discipline
FORD -Finally Obsolete Racing Device
FORD -Fireball On Rear DentingFORD -First On Recall Day
FORD -First On Race Day
FORD -First On Road to Dump
FORD -First On Rust and Deterioration
FORD -First Order of Reproductive Discipline
FORD -Fix Or Recycle Dilemma
FORD -Fixed Or Repaired Daily
FORD -Flip Over Read Directions
FORD -Flipping Over Results in Death
FORD -Flipped Over Roadside Disaster
FORD -Flintstone Or Rubble Driven
FORD -Follow Our Ruddy Dogsled
FORD -Fond Of Resonating Decibels
FORD -Foot On Road Decelerates
FORD -Fords Only Run Downhill
FORD -Forced On Reluctant Drivers
FORD -Formed Of Rejected DNA
FORD -Forwarded Once; Return Denied
FORD -Forward Only; Reverse Defective
FORD -Forgot Our Recommended Defaults
FORD -Forlorn, Old, Ratridden Dustbin
FORD -For Old, Rotten Deadbeat
FORD -Fork Over Repair Dough
FORD -Found On Red Dumpster
FORD -Found On Redneck’s Driveway
FORD -Found On Roadside Dead
FORD -Found On Rubbish Dump
FORD -Found Outside Refuse Dump
FORD -Found Outside Rotting Dump
FORD -Found On Russian Dump
FORD -Fouled Out Re-done Dodge
FORD -Fraternal Order of Restored DeSotos
FORD -Frequent Overhaul, Rapid Deterioration
FORD -Frequently On Ritalin, Designers
FORD -Free Or Reduced Drastically
FORD -Frequent Opinion: Really Disappointed
FORD -Fumes and Odors Readily Detectable
FORD -Funny Old Rattling Dump
FORD -Funky Old Rebuilt Dodge
FORD -(spelled backwards)Driver Returns On Foot

GEO -Good Engineering Overlooked

G. M. -General Maintenance
G. M. -Goshdarn Mess
G. M. -Generally Misunderstood
G. M. -Garbage Motors
G. M. -Generally Miserable
G. M. -Grossley Misconceived
G. M. -Gluteus Maximus

GMC -Garage Man’s Companion
GMC -Generally Mediocre Cars
GMC -Generic Made Chevy
GMC -German Milk Cow
GMC -Get More Chicks
GMC -Gets Mechanics Crazy
GMC -Gods Mechanical Curse
GMC -Gotta Mechanic comming
GMC -Got More Crap
GMC -Great Mountain Climber
GMC -Great Motor Car

HONDA -Had One, Never Do-that Again
HONDA -Hang On, Not Done Accelerating
HONDA -Has Often Nice Dealer Accessories

HYUNDAI -How Your Usual Nerd Drives An Import
HYUNDAI -Hope You Understand Nothing’s Drivable And Inexpensive

IROC -I Race Other Cars
IROC -I Run Over Critters
IROC -I Run Off Cliffs
IROC -I Reek Of Cologne
IROC -Italian Resting On Console
IROC -Ignorant Retard Out Cruising

JEEP -Just Eats Every Part
JEEP -Junk Engineering Executed Poorly

KIA -Killed In Action
KIA -Kills In Accidents

LTD -Long Term Debt
LTD -Lousy Transportation, Dammit!
LTD -Little Tin Dream
LTD -Last Try from Detroit
LTD -Long, Thin Dumpster
LTD -Long Time Driving

MAZDA -Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
MAZDA -My! Another Zany Detroit Assassin!

MERCEDES -Most Eccentric Rich Capitalists Enjoy Driving Expensive Sedans

M.G. -Money Guzzler

MITSUBISHI -Mostly In The Shop Undergoing Big Investments, Sometimes Halfway Incomplete

MOPAR -Many Odd Parts Arranged Randomly
MOPAR -Miscellaneous Oddball Parts Assembled Ridiculously
MOPAR -Most Often Passed At Races
MOPAR -Mostly Old Parts And Rust
MOPAR -Mostly Old Paint And Rust
MOPAR -Move Over People Are Racing
MOPAR -Move Over Plymouth Approaching Rapidly
MOPAR -My Old Pig Ain’t Running
MOPAR -My Only Problems Are Repairs

MUSTANG -Men Usually Stand Together And Never Go

NISSAN -Nine Idiots Standing, Saying Absolutely Nothing
NISSAN -Needless Innovations, Silly, Stupid, Automotive Nonsense

OLDSMOBILE -Oh, Look, Dammit! Some Massive Oil Burning Idiot’s Leaking Everything.
OLDSMOBILE -Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind
Infuriatingly Late Every day.
OLDSMOBILE -Old Loose Dented Sheet Metal Out-dated By Infamies Like Edsel.
OLDSMOBILE -Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick’s Irregular Leftover Equipment
OLDSMOBILE -Old Ladies Drive Slow - Mostly Over Bridges Into Lake Erie

PINTO -Put In Nickel To Operate
PINTO -Paid Inspector Nicely To Overlook

PLYMOUTH -Please Let Your Mother Out (from) Under The Hood!
PLYMOUTH -Police Laugh, Young Men Ogle, All Underestimating This Heap

PONTIAC -People On Narcotics Think It’s A Chevy
PONTIAC -Poor Old Nitwit Thinks It’s A Cadillac
PONTIAC -Puts Out Noxious Toxins In All Cities

PORSCHE -Piece Of Rubbish, Saps Continually High Expense
PORSCHE -Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything

PROBE -Plainly Runs Only By Exception

SAAB -Send Another Automobile Back
SAAB -Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.
SAAB -Swedish Automobiles Are Beastly
SAAB -Sad Attempt At Beauty
SAAB -Sorry Auto, Always Broken
SAAB -Swedish Automobile-Always Broken

SATURN -Sounds Absolutely Terrible, Unbelievable Rattling Noises

SUBARU -Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually
SUBARU -Sorry Unreal Bonzai Attempt at a Russian U-boat

TOYOTA -Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
TOYOTA -Torturous On Your Old Tired Ass

TRIUMPH -This Really Is Unreliable Man, Please Help!
TRIUMPH -Tried Repairing It Until My Parts Hurt!
TRIUMPH -The Risk In Useless Machinery Pays Heavily

VOLVO -Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW -Virtually Worthless

VOLKSWAGEN -Very Obsolete, Losers Knowingly Suffer With All German Engineered Nonsense

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:

Dear Wife,

You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I’ll be home before midnight.

Your Husband.

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter witing for him that read as follows:

You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don’t wait up.

Your Wife.

need some corny/cutesy jokes that works well with girls.

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A young Redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible", says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle

Go into Word and type in the sentence I’d like to see Bill Gates dead. Highlight the whole sentence. Go into “Tools” and hit the “Thesaurus”… interesting

Why can’t blondes be cowgirls?

They can’t keep their calves together.

If your father was a methodist and your mother was a spiritualist. Does that make you metholated spirits?

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A priest was walking down the street when he saw a member of his parish walking ahead of him. The priest kept trying to catch up to the man to talk to him, but the man kept crossing the street to avoid the priest. Finally the priest caught up with the man and asked him, “Why have you been avoidingme, my son?”.

“Oh, Father!” the man replied with a shameful look, “I’ve done something horrible, and I’m afraid that if you find out what it is, you’ll kick me out of the parish!”

“I would never do that!” the priest said. “Tell me what you’ve done.”

The man told him, “Last night, when my wife was leaning over to get some vegetables from the freezer, she looked so beautiful we made love on the spot, and now I’m very ashamed.”

“Don’t be ashamed, ” the priest replied with a smile. “I find that very beautiful.”

“Thank you for understanding, Father. The people at the grocery store sure didn’t.”

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

Teacher: Class if there are 3 birds in a tree and you threw a rock and hit one, how many are left?Johnny: 2! 3-1=2Teacher: No, Johnny, Zero, the other 2 would fly, but I like the way you think.Johnny: Ok, Miss, 3 women sitting on a bench, all eating ice c