Jokes News

On a cruise ship touring the Mediterranean, there was a magician who would perform a cabaret act every night in the ship’s bar. Now, also in that bar, there was a parrot, who from his vantage point near the ceiling could see exactly how each trick was done.

Every night was the same. Everytime he performed a trick the parrot would yell to the audience how the trick was done:
“It’s up his sleeve!”
or
“Look under the table!”

The magician was furious, but as the parrot was a pet of the captain himself, there was nothing he could do.

As it happened, one night, as the magician announced he was about to perform his grand finale, a fault developed in the ship’s engine room and the whole ship blew up, shattering into a million pieces.

As the dust settled, a cruel twist of fate meant that the magician was left sitting on a piece of the smashed boat, and who should be on the far side of the very same raft, but the parrot.

For weeks and weeks they sat, each staring at the other, and neither spoke even a single word.

After a long time, the parrot finally cleared its throat and spoke, “Alright, I give up. What have you done with the ship?”

One day in The Garden Of Eden, Eve was playing near the ocean and accidentally fell in. A loud deep voice was heard from above exclaiming, “Damn! Now I’ll never get the smell out!”

There was this preacher who was lonely and wanted a companion. So he decided to get a talking parrot. Upon the first day home the parrot says, “Swing the cage, swing the God damn cage.”

Stunned and appalled, the preacher took the parrot back to the pet shop where he had bought the parrot. The preacher says to the pet shop owner, “I can’t have this bird cussing in my home I have other preachers and nuns that come to my house.”

The pet shop owner says, “What did the bird say?” The preacher repeated what the bird said. The pet shop owner says, “Did you try swinging the cage? Maybe he’ll stop saying it if you do what he wants.

So the preacher takes the parrot back home and waits for him to say swing the cage.

After no time the parrot says it again, “Swing the cage, swing the God damn cage.” So the preacher does just that.

Then the parrot says, “WHEEEEEE, feel that Fucking Breeze!!!!”

What are the only four animals a woman needs?

A mink on her back, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass to pay for it all.

Isn’t it funny that Clinton got off….again.

Once there was a bellhop named Joe. and one day, three newlywed couples came to stay for a while.

The first couple walked in, and Joe noticed that the wife was a nurse. He thought, “Wow, what a lucky guy. Nurses are supposed to be really pretty. I think I’ll stay up late and eavesdrop on their room.”

Then the next couple came in, and Joe noticed the wife was a telephone operator. He thought, “Wow, what a lucky guy. Telephone operators have sexy voices. I think I’ll stay up late and eavesdrop on their room.”

The next couple came in, and Joe noticed the wife was a teacher. He thought, “I feel sorry for him, married to a teacher. I bet they won’t have any fun.”

Well, Joe’s boss told him to leave and come back for breakfast serving. The next morning, he waited for the teacher’s husband to call for breakfast. The phone rang, and he answered, and it was the nurse’s husband requesting breakfast. He went to their room, knocked on the door. When the door opened, the man was in his pressed pajamas and his hair was perfect. He said, “What happened?”

“Oh, it was terrible. All I heard was, ‘You’re unsanitary, you’re unsanitary.’” And he went downstairs.

The phone rang, and he answered, and it was the operator’s husband requesting breakfast. He went to their room, knocked on the door. When the door opened, the man was in his pressed pajamas and his hair was perfect. He said, “What happened?”

“Oh, it was terrible. All I heard was, ‘Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.’” And he went downstairs.

He waited and waited for the phone to ring, and it did around 4 o’clock in the afternoon. He answered and it was the teacher’s husband requesting breakfast. He went to their room, knocked on the door. When the door opened, the man was in his boxers and had scratch marks on his chest and back. Joe said, “What happened?”

“Oh, it was GREAT! All I heard was ‘We’re doing this and we’re going to keep on doing this until you get it right!’”

28 Things Guys Wish Girls Knew

1.. We’re not as big of perverts as you think we all are.

2.. No matter what you say, your ex-boyfriend is an asshole

3.. We like you to give us hugs and kisses sometimes too.

4.. Don’t argue with us when we call you beautiful.

5.. Don’t treat us like crap, what goes around comes around.

6.. We know you’re pretty, that’s one of the reason’s we’re going out with you.

7.. Don’t go into detail about your period. It scares us.

8.. If you have cramps and we ask you what’s wrong, just tell us it’s that time of the month and nothing more.

9.. If you really liked us for us, you would let us think that our mustache, beard, or sideburns looked cool.

10.. We never shave our legs. Get over it.

11.. NEVER ask us if you can put make up on us. It’s just wrong.

12.. Don’t make bets about us, because one of your friends will tell us if you don’t.

13.. When we tell you that you’re not fat, believe us.

14.. We absolutely do not care about the Backstreet Boys, NSYNC, 98 Degrees,or what any other guy looks like for that matter.

15.. We may not be able to pee accurately all of the time, but at least we can stand up and go pee.

16.. Just cause you think you’re always right doesn’t mean that you don’t have to apologize when you do something “wrong.”

17.. You expect us to say and do sweet things for you, but it would be nice if you did the same every once in a while. We like to know that you love us.

18.. We can’t always be spontaneous, so try to help us make the plans sometimes.

19.. Don’t ask us to beat up another guy for you, cause you might just get what you wish for.

20.. Never kick us in the nuts “just to see what we would say.”

21.. Never pretend like you are going to break up with us and laugh when we believe you.

22.. Pamela Anderson’s boobs aren’t fake anymore, but we like yours better anyway.

23.. Size doesn’t matter, except to idiots who don’t want a relationship.

24.. PMS is not an excuse.

25.. If you want us to put the seat down when we’re done, you should put it up when you’re done.

26.. Don’t tell us how cute your ex-boyfriend was. That doesn’t turn us on.

27.. Always remember: The way to a guy’s heart is through his stomach…..and maybe….oh never mind.

28.. And last but not least: We know you’re not always right, but we’ll pretend like you are anyway.

Did you hear about the blind circumsizer?

He got the sack!

A senior White House aide walked into the Oval Office to find all the president’s men standing around looking so worried and President Bill Clinton was not around. So the senior aide walked over to the Chief of Staff to ask what was the matter.

The Chief of Staff sighed and said, “Today’s been nothing but bad news and worse news!”

“What’s the bad news?” asked the senior aide.

“Well, both India and Pakistan exploded their tenth atomic bomb turning the Indian sub-continent into a nuclear arms race. Because of this, China now threatens that if both countries persist in their nuclear tests, this may trigger a regionwide conflict the likes of which the world has never seen before.”

“Jeez, that’s really bad news. But what could be worse than that?”

“Seems like Bill’s got his hands on some Viagra.”

One fine afternoon at the new golf course in Alabama, These two men were just finishing up the front nine when they decided to take a breather in the clubhouse. They went up to the lounge room and sat down and ordered a glass of beer. They started flipping thru the channels when they decided to watch the news. The first thing that was on was a woman about to comit suicide.

The first man, which was a businessman, said, “I bet you 100 dollars that she is gonna jump.”

The second man, which was a salesman, said, “OK, but I raise your 100 to 200 dollars saying she is not going to jump.”

About four seconds after they were done making the bet, she leapt off the building, falling 17 stories, she hit the ground with a bone crunching sound.

As the salesman started to get his wallet out of his back pocket when the businessman butted in to stop him.

“Listen, I can’t take your money, I saw this earlier today and I knew she was gonna jump.”

“So did I,” the salesman said, I just didn’t think she was dumb enough to do it again.”