On a cruise ship touring the Mediterranean, there was a magician who would perform a cabaret act every night in the ship’s bar. Now, also in that bar, there was a parrot, who from his vantage point near the ceiling could see exactly how each trick was done.

Every night was the same. Everytime he performed a trick the parrot would yell to the audience how the trick was done:
“It’s up his sleeve!”
or
“Look under the table!”

The magician was furious, but as the parrot was a pet of the captain himself, there was nothing he could do.

As it happened, one night, as the magician announced he was about to perform his grand finale, a fault developed in the ship’s engine room and the whole ship blew up, shattering into a million pieces.

As the dust settled, a cruel twist of fate meant that the magician was left sitting on a piece of the smashed boat, and who should be on the far side of the very same raft, but the parrot.

For weeks and weeks they sat, each staring at the other, and neither spoke even a single word.

After a long time, the parrot finally cleared its throat and spoke, “Alright, I give up. What have you done with the ship?”

One day in The Garden Of Eden, Eve was playing near the ocean and accidentally fell in. A loud deep voice was heard from above exclaiming, “Damn! Now I’ll never get the smell out!”

There was this preacher who was lonely and wanted a companion. So he decided to get a talking parrot. Upon the first day home the parrot says, “Swing the cage, swing the God damn cage.”

Stunned and appalled, the preacher took the parrot back to the pet shop where he had bought the parrot. The preacher says to the pet shop owner, “I can’t have this bird cussing in my home I have other preachers and nuns that come to my house.”

The pet shop owner says, “What did the bird say?” The preacher repeated what the bird said. The pet shop owner says, “Did you try swinging the cage? Maybe he’ll stop saying it if you do what he wants.

So the preacher takes the parrot back home and waits for him to say swing the cage.

After no time the parrot says it again, “Swing the cage, swing the God damn cage.” So the preacher does just that.

Then the parrot says, “WHEEEEEE, feel that Fucking Breeze!!!!”

What are the only four animals a woman needs?

A mink on her back, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass to pay for it all.

Isn’t it funny that Clinton got off….again.