Jokes News

Looking for a place to sit down, a drunk wandered into a church during Sunday services just as the priest was asking, “Who wants to go to Heaven?” The entire congregation waved their hands in the air and responded, “I do, I do!” The drunk began to raise his hand, looked around, and then lowered his hand.

Later in his sermon, the priest asked again, “Who wants to go to Heaven?” The entire congregation again answered, “I do, I do!” Still, the drunk sat silently looking around.

The priest asked the drunk, “Don’t you want to go to Heaven?”

The guy replied, “I think I’m gonna go on the third trip ’cause the first two are already full.”

There once was a couple named Kelly
Who lived their lives belly to belly.
Because in their haste
They used library paste,
Instead of petroleum jelly.

A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening.
Once in the room, they undress, climb into bed, and go at it.

When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and commences a repeat performance.

The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and starts again.

The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times.

During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself. So when they are done, she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed . . . and finds four Chinese men under there.

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster- one that could service all of his many hens.
He told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied:
“I have just the rooster for you. Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!”

So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Randy a little pep talk. “Randy,” he said, “I’m counting on you to do your stuff”.

Without uttering a word, Randy strutted into the hen house. Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, until Randy had finished having his way with each hen. Randy didn’t stop at the hen house, though. He went into the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one, and still at the same frantic pace.

Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, “Stop, Randy, you’ll kill yourself”. Randy continued on, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

The next morning, the farmer looked out his window and saw Randy lying on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy. The farmer walked up to Randy saying, “Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you’ve gone and killed yourself. I warned you, little buddy”.

“Shut the hell up, you idiot,” Randy whispered, “That buzzard’s getting closer.”

A woman awoke during the middle of the night to find her husband missing from the bed. She thought it was strange because he never got up during the middle of the night.

Soon about 20 minutes went by and he still hadn’t returned. Somewhat worried she went looking for him. He wasn’t in the bathroom so she went downstairs.

He wasn’t in the TV room or the kitchen getting something to eat. Becoming more worried she noticed the basement door open and the light on.

As she opened the door she could hear someone crying downstairs. It was her husband sitting on a chair crying his eyes out.

When she asked why, he refused to tell. She asked if it was an illness, loss of his job, or another woman.

He said no and that he couldn’t tell her why. He finally agreed to tell her what was bothering him. He said “Do you remember when we started dating 20 years ago?”

“Yes,” she replied.

“And do you remember when I soon got you pregnant?”

“Yes,” she again replied.

“And do you remember when you father gave me a choice of either going to jail or to marry you”

“Of course,” she replied. “Well today I would have been a free man!”

A pretty blonde woman asks the young male clerk in the drugstore for some bottom deodorant. The clerk, somewhat bemused, explains to the blonde that they don’t sell ‘bottom’ deodorant . . .just the underarm type.

The blonde, undismayed, assures the clerk that she has been buying ‘bottom’ deodorant here for several years, is quite satisfied with the product, and would like more.

The puzzled clerk asks the phamacist if he can help the young lady. The pharmacist smiles and asks what it is she is looking for.

“I’m just trying to buy another stick of ‘bottom’ deodorant”, she replies.

“Well, I’m sorry, Miss,” he says, “but I don’t think such a product exists. In any case, we don’t have any.”

The blonde, becoming increasingly frustrated, says “But I always buy it here.”

“All right, do you have the empty container?” asks the pharmacist.

“I certainly do” she replies and digs into her purse and pulls out a tube of Lady Speedstick, angrily thrusting it into his hand.

“But this is just ordinary underarm deodorant,” he says.

“You people are idiots,” says the blonde, snatching it back from him. “It says right here ‘To apply, push up bottom.’”

Q. Who’s the most popular man at a nudist camp?
A. The one who can carry two cups of coffee and a dozen doughnuts.

Q. Who’s the most popular woman at the nudist camp?
A. The one who can eat all twelve doughnuts.

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use, on the average, only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day.

She thought about this for awhile and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.

He said, “What?”

One day there were 3 old men sitting around in a retirement home.There was a 70 year old,an 80 year old, and a 90 year old.

The 70 year old said,”I wish I could take a healthy piss again.”

Then the 80 year old said,”I can take a healthy piss, but I wish I could take a healthy shit again.”

Then the 90 year old said,”I take a healthy piss around 9:00 am, and a healthy shit around 11:00 am, the only problem is that I wish I could wake up before noon.

Q: What is the shortest book in the world.

A: What men know about women