Jokes News

A young, frazzled mother stood inside the front door, her arms full of coats. Four small children scurried around her.

Her husband, coming down the stairs with every hair in place, asked why she was just standing there.

“Here,” she said, handing him the coats.

“This time, YOU put the children into their coats, and I’ll go sit in the car and honk the horn.”

An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman.

“Is there something in particular I can show you?” he asked.

“Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa.”

“You mean a sectional sofa,” he suggested.

“Sectional schmectional,” she bitterly retorted. “All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!”

A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax. After awhile a beggar came up to her and said, “Hello, Luv, how about us going for a walk together?”

“How dare you!” said the woman, “I’m not one of your cheap pickups!”

“Well, then,” said the beggar, “what are you doing in my bed?”

A masterful forger, this guy definitely was not.

News of the Weird reports that in March 1996, 18-year-old dock worker at Roadway Express in Dallas was arrested at a local Western Union and charged with forgery after improperly trying to cash a check made out to his employer.
The man produced a photo ID that gave his name as Mr. Roadway V. Express.

After questioning him, the Western Union manager said, “OK, Mr. Express, I’ll be right back (with the money)” and then called police.

Here is a great historical instance of out-of-the-box thinking:

The renown British physicist Ernest Rutherford was known as the father of nuclear physics. When he was a professor at an English university, he got a call from a colleague who asked if Rutherford would be a referee on the grading of an examination question. This fellow professor was about to give a student a zero for his answer to a physics question while the student claimed he should receive a perfect score and would have if the system were not set up against the student. Both instructor and student agreed to an impartial arbiter and Rutherford was selected.

Rutherford agreed to do so. He went to his colleague’s office and read the examination question: “Show how it is possible to determine the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer.” The student had answered: “Take the barometer to the top of the building, attach a long rope to it, lower it to the street, and then bring it up, measuring the length of the rope. The length of the rope is the height of the building.”

Rutherford pointed out that the student really had a strong case for full credit since he had really answered the question correctly and completely. On the other hand, if full credit were given, it could well contribute to a high grade in his physics course. A high grade was supposed to certify competence in physics, but the answer did not confirm this. Rutherford then suggested that the student be given another try at answering the question. He was not surprised that his colleague agreed, but he was surprised when the student did.

Rutherford gave the student six minutes to answer the question with the warning that the answer should show some knowledge of physics. At the end of five minutes, the student had not written anything. Rutherford then asked if the student wished to give up, but the student said, “No. I had many answers to this problem; I was just thinking of the best one.” Rutherford excused himself for interrupting the student and asked him to please go on. In the next minute, the student dashed off his answer which read:”Take the barometer to the top of the building and lean over the edge of the roof. Drop the barometer, timing its fall with a stopwatch. Then, using the formula x=0.5*a*t^^2, calculate the height of the building.” At this point, Rutherford asked his colleague if he would give up. The instructor conceded, and gave the student almost full credit.

In leaving his colleague’s office, Rutherford recalled that the student had said that he had other answers to the problem, so he asked the latter what they were.

“Well,” said the student. “there are many ways of getting the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer. For example, you could take the barometer out on a sunny day and measure the height of the barometer, the length of its shadow, and the length of the shadow of the building, and by the use of simple proportion, determine the height of the building.”

“Fine,” Rutherford said, “and the others?”

“Yes,” said the student.” There is a very basic measurement method you will like. In this method, you take the barometer and begin to walk up the stairs. As you climb the stairs, you mark off the length of the barometer along the wall. You then count the number of marks, and this will give you the height of the building in barometer units.”

“A very direct method, indeed” Rutherford commented.

“Of course. If you want a more sophisticated method, you can tie the barometer to the end of a string, swing it as a pendulum, and determine the value of g at the street level and at the top of the building. From the difference between the two values of g, the height of the building, in principle, can be calculated. On this same tact, you could take the barometer to the top of the building, attach a long rope to it, lower it to just above the street, and then swing it as a pendulum. You could then calculate the height of the building by the period of the precession”.

Rutherford could only nod in agreement with the student’s answers.

“Finally,” the student concluded, “there are many other ways of solving the problem with a barometer. Probably the best is to take the barometer to the basement and knock on the superintendent’s door. When the superintendent answers, you speak to him as follows: ‘Mr. Superintendent, here is a fine barometer. If you will tell me the height of the building, I will give you this barometer.’”

At this point, Rutherford asked the student if he really did not know the conventional answer to this question. The student admitted that he did, but said, “I was just fed up with high school and college instructors trying to teach me how to think.” This marked the start of a professional and fruitful collaboration between Rutherford and this student.

Oh, and the name of this student? Neils Bohr, who went on to formulate the theory on quantum physics.

A man in a bar said to the bartender, “I’ll bet you a hundred bucks I can bite my own eye!” The bartender, convinced this was impossible, accepted. The man pulled out his false teeth, bit his eye gently with them, and replaced them in his mouth. The bartender was pretty upset, but paid the $100.

A few minutes later, the man approached the bartender again. “Look,” he said, “I’ll give you a chance to win that hundred back. I’ll bet you the same hundred bucks I can bite my eye, without taking out my false teeth.” Again the bartender accepted the bet. And again the man pulled a fast one, removing his glass eye and biting it. The bartender was really angry, but paid another $100.

After half an hour, the man came up to the bartender again and apologized. “I really should apologize, it wasn’t fair to take advantage of you like that. I’ll let you win the two hundred dollars back, really easily. I’ll make a bet that if you stand me up on a bar stool and spin me around, I can piss in a glass on the bar without spilling a drop.” The bartender knew this was impossible, and leapt at the chance.

The bartender put a pint glass on the bar, and the man got up on the stool and dropped his pants. As the bartender laughed and spun the stool around, the man started to pee. Nothing went in the glass. He peed all over the bartender, who was laughing so hard he nearly fell over. After he was finished, the bartender chuckled, “How could you make such a stupid bet?”

“It wasn’t stupid at all,” the man said. “I just bet those guys in the corner a thousand bucks I could piss in your face and you’d break up laughing!”

An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their room and says to his wife, “Notice anything different, Bessie?”

Bessie looks him over, “Nope.”

Sam says excitedly, “Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?”

Bessie looks again, “Nope.”

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything DIFFERENT?”

Bessie looks up and says, “Sam, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, Sam yells, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!”

Bessie replies, “Shoulda bought a hat, Sam.”

Q. Why does Helen Keller masturbate with only one hand?

A. She moans with the other one.

Q. How did Helen Keller’s parents punish her?

A. They put the toilet seat on the stove.

Q. How did Helen Keller burn her face?

A. She answered the iron.
—or—-
A. Bobbing for french fries.

Q. What did Helen Keller name her seeing-eyed dog?

A.

Q. What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the stairs?

A. Screamed her bloody hands off.

Young Boy to Teacher: Listen, Miss Gray, I don’t wanna scare you, but my dad said if I don’t get better grades on my next report card, somebody’s gonna be in very big trouble.