Jokes News

Q: What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?

A: A cat has claws at the end of its paws, but a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

Grandma and Grandpa were in the doctor’s office one day.

After a brief check-up, the doctor said, “You know Grandpa, you’re 98, your wife is 96, tell me …. after this many years of marriage do you two still have mutual climax?”

Grandpa said, “I don’t know, I’ll have to ask grandma.”

He yelled to his wife, “Grandma do we still have mutual climax?”

Grandma said, “Listen, old man, if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times — we’ve got Blue Shield!”

Here's two I've been telling since my daughter was little: Q) What's Humpty-Dumpty's wife's name? Hint: It's not Mrs. Dumpty, either. Q) What do you call a whale off the coast of New England? I'll let you readers roll these around a bit before I tell you

A thousand years ago in Rome a Christian man was being chased by a lion around an arena. The man cried out to God, “Dear God, please fill this lion with the spirit of Christianity.” Immediately the lion fell to his knees, and prayed, “For what I am about to receive, may the Lord make me truly thankful.”

We know about ambulance-chasing lawyers, but there’s also big money in splitsville.

There was shifty-eyed guy at the post office methodically licking “Love” stamps and placing them on a pile of bright pink envelopes with hearts all over. After all were stamped, the man took out a perfume bottle and sprayed each envelope.

A curious bystander asked: “What are you doing?”

“I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’” said the fellow at the counter.

“But why?”

“I’m a divorce lawyer.”

Here's mine: "Rectum? Darn near killed em!"

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There was this guy walking down the street, when right in front of him, and coming his way, was his ex-wife. He could not walk across the street; there was just no way to avoid bumping into her and the younger man on her arm.

Being startled at the chance meeting, she stammered,
“W- well, hello Fred!” He tried a courteous, “Hi Martha! and how have you been sinc–”

Bolstering up somewhat, and with pride of her young, blonde, good looking escort: She states, “I’d like you to meet Bob, he is a seismologist.”

Fred, immediately retorts to her, “With all your faults! It’s no wonder.”

He: Haven’t we met before?
She: Yes, I’m the receptionist at the Bad Breath Clinic.

He: Is this seat empty?
She: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

He: So, wanna go back to my place?
She: I don’t know. Can two people fit under a rock?

He: Your place or mine?
She: Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.

He: So what do you do for a living?
She: I’m a female impersonator.

He: Hey, baby, what’s your sign?
She: Do Not Enter

He: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
She: Unfertilized.

He: Hey, we’re both here for the same reason.
She: Right, let’s pick up some chicks.

He: I want to give myself to you.
She: Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.

He: If I could see you naked, I’d die happy.
She: If I saw you naked, I’d die laughing.

He: I know how to please a woman.
She: Then please leave me alone.

He: I’d go to the end of the world for you.
She: Sure, but would you stay there?

Some artists that don't have much talent get label deals. That is bringing down the level of music in this country. Who agrees?

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This is a love letter from a boy to a girl…. However, the girl’s father does not like him and wants them stop the relationship…… Afraid that her father would intercept any messages, the boy wrote this letter to the little girl.
1 “The great love that I have for you
2 is gone, and I find my dislike for you
3 grows every day. When I see you,
4 I do not even like your face;
5 the one thing that I want to do is to
6 look at other girls. I never wanted to
7 marry you. Our last conversation
8 was very boring and has not
9 made me look forward to seeing you again.
10 You think only of yourself.
11 If we were married, I know that I would find
12 life very difficult, and I would have no
13 pleasure in living with you. I have a heart
14 to give, but it is not something that
15 I want to give to you. No one is more
16 foolish and selfish than you, and you are not
17 able to care for me and help me.
18 I sincerely want you to understand that
19 I speak the truth. You will do me a favor
20 if you think this the end. Do not try
21 to answer this. Your letters are full of
22 things that do not interest me. You have no
23 true love for me. Good-bye! Believe me,
24 I do not care for you. Please do not think that
25 I am still your boyfriend.”

So sad!! However, the boy told the girl before to “READ BETWEEN THE LINES” (meaning only to read odd numbered lines, 1,3,5,7, etc.)

So..Please try reading it again! It’s so smart & sweet….:)