Finding Little Johnny making faces at the other kids on the school playground, his teacher stopped to gently reprove him. Smiling sweetly, she said, “When I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that.”

Little Johnny looked up and replied, “Well you can’t say you weren’t warned.”

A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good-looking and athletic; but the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.

“Darling wife,” the husband whispers, “assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if–”

The wife gently interrupts him. “Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother’s grave that you are his father.”

The man then dies, happy.

The wife mutters under her breath: “Thank God he didn’t ask about the other three.”

By now, you’ve probably all seen the new “slogan” that’s gotten every preacher’s attention coast to coast:
WWJD, or What Would Jesus Do….

Contemplating that very question, here are some possibilities:

1. Call his Dad. Find out why Dad and Mom never got married.

2. Have dinner with eleven close friends and the one guy he just doesn’t like.

3. Get some sleep.

4. Hang around for a while and catch some sun.

5. Get up early on Sunday, even when he feels dead on his feet.

6. Spackle his hands and feet.

7. Open a winery. Save overhead by transforming water.

8. Work for Medicare. Save US economy by healing the sick.

9. See Titanic - everyone else on the planet has.

10. Remind Bill Gates who’s boss.

11. Agree to interview with Howard Stern…shave and go as Howard’s evil twin.

12. Answer the question we REALLY want to know: Did Monica swallow?

13. Collect back pay and benefits from the Vatican.

14. Ride around in the Popemobile.

15. Throw one helluva Christmas party.

Rev. Falwell sees news reports that the military allows practicing witches in the Army.

Incensed, he calls a top Pentagon general demanding that witchcraft not be tolerated in the military.

“Good Christians pray to God for this Country. For all you know, these damn witches are casting Satanic curses.”

“Sorry, Reverend…” the General replied, “we just can’t discriminate on the basis of hex!”

I have five siblings, three sisters and two brothers. One night I was chatting with my mom about how she had changed as a mother from the first child to the last. She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years:

“When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When your youngest brother swallowed a dime, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance.”