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What is the difference between a machine gun and Kenny G?

A Machine Gun only repeats itself 30 times!

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A woman was having an affair when she hears a car pull into the driveway. After looking out of the window she quickly runs to the bathroom and brings out a bottle. She tells that man that her husband is home, but she has a plan. She covers him with talcum powder and advises him to stand in the corner.

The woman’s husband walks into the room and looks at the man. “When did we get that statue? Gosh it looks so life-like!” the husband says. The woman replies, “I was over at the Jones’ last week and they had one so I just had to get one just like it.”

Later that night while they were both asleep the husband got up and went downstairs to the kitchen. As he walked back into the bedroom he handed a plate of food to the statue.

The guy then says, “How did you know?”

To that the husband replies, “I was over at the Jones’s for three weeks and nobody offered me anything.”

Your momma is so stupid, she thought hamburger helper came with another person.

Your so stupid, you think Federal Express is a branch of the government.

Your father is so dumb, he went to an LA Clippers game to get a haircut.

Your mother is so stupid, she thinks Olde Engkish 800 is a college course.

Your mother is so stupid, she tired to drown herself in a car pool.

your mother is so stupid, she put your brother in rehab because he was hooked on phonics.

Two men are walking down the street one day, and they see a dog licking it’s balls.

One man says, “Boy, I wish I could do that!”

And the other one replies, “Don’t you think you ought to pet him first?”

If you were buying candy and you had your choice of the following, which one would you choose?

1. BABY RUTH
2. 3 MUSKETEERS
3. BUTTER FINGER
4. SNICKERS
5. HERSHEY’S
6. ALMOND JOY
7. CLARK BAR
8. GOOD’N'PLENTY
9. ENERGY BAR
10. CHOCOLATE COVERED RAISINS

OK — Now that you have chosen, here’s what research says about you: Don’t scroll down until you’ve made your choice!

No, you can’t change your mind once you scroll! So think carefully!
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BABY RUTH - Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm fuzzy items. A little nutty. Sometimes you need a little treat like an ice cream cone at the end of the day.

3 MUSKETEERS - You are adventurous, love new ideas, are a champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up, you whip out your saber.

BUTTER FINGER - Smooth articulate, you are an excellent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don’t try to walk and chew gum at the same time.

SNICKERS - Fun-loving, sassy, humorous. Everyone enjoys being around you. But you are a practical joker–others should be cautious in shaking hands!

HERSHEY’S - Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people and can be counted on in a pinch. You tend to melt and get gushy if held too close.

ALMOND JOY — Sexy, always ready to give and receive, very energetic, and really like to get into life. The opposite (or same) sex is always attracted to you.

CLARK BAR — You like sports, whether baseball, football, basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, but enjoy watching sports. You don’t like to give up the remote control.

GOOD’N'PLENTY—You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to go to the movies with you. Children find you amusing. You are a very warm hearted person.

ENERGY BAR — You are very active. You are so active, life is passing you by. Get a life!!!! Go eat a plum.

CHOCOLATE COVERED RAISINS — You go to the bathroom often.

What did the blonde say when she walked into the bar?

“Ouch!”

Two blondes walk into a bar.

You’d think one of them would have ducked.

Q. What is the difference between dealing with your wife and dealing with a terrorist?

A. You can negotiate with a terrorist.

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison.

With that as his mission, he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter, he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, “They’re all lookin’ to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want.”

The man dated the first daughter. The next day, the farmer asked for the man’s opinion.

“Well,” said the man, “not that you can hardly notice, but she’s just a weeeeeee bit pigeon-toed.”

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls. So the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

“Well,” the man replied, “not that you can hardly tell, but she’s just a weeeeeee bit cross-eyed.”

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, “She’s perfect, just perfect! She’s the one I want to marry!” So they were wed right away.

Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery, he was horrified. The baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human being you can imagine! He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could have happened, considering how good both he and his wife are.

“Well,” explained the farmer, “not that you could hardly tell, but she was just a weeeee bit pregnant when you met her.”

1) Two blondes were driving to Disneyland, when they saw a sign that read, “Disneyland Left” so they turned around and went home.

2) How do you measure a blonde’s IQ?

With a tire gauge!

3) Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?

To see what was on the other side!!

4)A smart blonde, a dumb blonde, Santa Claus and the Easter bunny were walking along when the saw a $100. Who got the money?

The dumb blonde because the other three don’t exist

5) Why do blondes write TGIF on thier shoes?

So they remember ‘Toes Go In First’

6) Why don’t blondes like to make Kool-Aid?

They can’t get all that water in the little package.

7) How do you make a Blonde laugh on Jan. 1, 1999?

Tell her the joke on Jan. 1 1997!!