Jokes News

“I bet you don’t know what day this is”, said the wife to her husband as he made his way out the front door.
The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick thinker:
“Of course I do, my dear. How could I forget!?” With that, he turned and rushed to catch the bus for work.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses.

At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn’t wait for her husband to come home.

The husband was smug when he returned from work, satisfied
that he had recovered what could have been a very bad situation.

His wife was indeed surprised: “First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!” she exclaimed, “I’ve never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!”

Two little boys were urinating behind the barn and one said, “I wish I had a big one like my big brother. He holds his with four fingers.”

Said the second little boy, “But you’re holding yours with four fingers.”

“Sure,” said the first, “but I’m pissing on three of them.”

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing you’ve already told her twice.

A woman was sick of her husband’s drinking, and decided to teach him a lesson. She dressed up like Satan, and when her husband returned home from another bender, she jumped out from behind the couch and screamed.

“You don’t scare me,” the man said, looking her over calmly. “I married your sister.”

Q: What do you get if you cross Monica Lewinsky with a Coke?

A: A Blowpop

1. Scrub toilet and flush several times.(You may consider this step optional.)

2. Fill toilet with warm water and add a squirt of pet shampoo.

3. Drop cat in toilet and slam lid shut.

4. Sit on lid. Cat’s efforts to free itself will generate a good deal of sudsing and washing motions.

5. Flush toilet a couple of times to rinse the cat. NOTE: Hold securly to leash attached to cat in toilet.

6. Leap off toilet seat, dash out the door, and slam it shut securly, because kitty will erupt from the bowl as if jet propelled.

7. Leave kitty to sulk and dry himself.

8. Bask in self-congratulatory haze.

Two tigers are walking along a jungle trail in single file.

The rearmost tiger wanders off the trail for a few minutes, then reappears shortly thereafter. A few moments later, the front tiger feels what seems to be the other tiger’s tongue, applied just below his tail. The tiger disapproves of this action, but doesn’t want to start anything by bringing it up. Then, the tiger again feels the tongue, again in the same place.

He decides to confront the after tiger, and asks him, “Did you just lick me twice in the butt?”

The other tiger replied, “Yeah, sorry about that. I just ate a lawyer and I was trying to get the taste out of my mouth.”

Sex is the most practical and funniest
(full of fun) ways of losing weight.

Look how many calories you can burn:

TAKING OFF THE CLOTHES
With her agreement………………………12 cal
Without her agreement…………………..187 cal

TAKING OFF THE BRA
With both hands………………………….8 cal
With one hand…………………………..12 cal
With one hand being slapped………………37 cal
With the mouth………………………….85 cal

PUTTING ON THE CONDOM
With erection……………………………6 cal
Without erection……………………….315 cal

PRELIMINARIES
Trying to find the clitoris……………….8 cal
Trying to find G spot……………………92 cal
Without caring at all…………………….0 cal

WHEN DOING IT
Holding her up………………………….12 cal
Just on the floor………………………..8 cal

POSITIONS
daddy-mummy…………………………….12 cal
69 laying……………………………….8 cal
69 standing up…………………………112 cal
Trolley……………………………….216 cal
Italian chandelier……………………..912 cal

HAVING AN ORGASM
Real………………………………….112 cal
Fake………………………………….315 cal

POST ORGASM
Staying in bed………………………….18 cal
Jumping off the bed……………………..36 cal
Explaining why she jumped off the bed…….816 cal

GETTING THE SECOND ERECTION
Between 16 and 19 years of age……. …….12 cal
from 20 to 29…………………… …….36 cal
from 30 to 39…………………… ……108 cal
from 40 to 49…………………… ……324 cal
from 50 to 59…………………… ……972 cal
over 60………………………………2916 cal

PUTTING ON THE CLOTHES
Quietly…………………………….. ..32 cal
Being in a hurry………………………..98 cal
With her husband opening the door……….1218 cal

Why does a blonde use birth control pills?

Otherwise, she won’t know what day of the week it is.

It was a really hot day at the office due to a malfunction with the air conditioning system. There were about 20 people in close quarters, and everyone was sweating, even with a fan on.

All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle their noses at an odor passing through the air. It was the most hideous smell anyone had ever smelled.

One man, popping his head out of his cubicle, said, “Oh, man! Someone’s deodorant surely isn’t working!”

A guy in the corner replied, “It can’t be mine . . . I’m not wearing any!”