“I bet you don’t know what day this is”, said the wife to her husband as he made his way out the front door.
The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick thinker:
“Of course I do, my dear. How could I forget!?” With that, he turned and rushed to catch the bus for work.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses.

At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn’t wait for her husband to come home.

The husband was smug when he returned from work, satisfied
that he had recovered what could have been a very bad situation.

His wife was indeed surprised: “First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!” she exclaimed, “I’ve never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!”

Two little boys were urinating behind the barn and one said, “I wish I had a big one like my big brother. He holds his with four fingers.”

Said the second little boy, “But you’re holding yours with four fingers.”

“Sure,” said the first, “but I’m pissing on three of them.”

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing you’ve already told her twice.

A woman was sick of her husband’s drinking, and decided to teach him a lesson. She dressed up like Satan, and when her husband returned home from another bender, she jumped out from behind the couch and screamed.

“You don’t scare me,” the man said, looking her over calmly. “I married your sister.”

Q: What do you get if you cross Monica Lewinsky with a Coke?

A: A Blowpop