Jokes News

Did you hear that the Bears want to get Michael Irving on their team?

They got rid of the Fridge and now they want a Coke machine.

An atheist complained to a friend, “Christians have their special holidays, such as Christmas and Easter; Jews celebrate their holidays, such as Passover and Yom Kippur; Muslims have their holidays, too. EVERY religion has it holidays. But we atheists,” he said, “have no recognized national holidays. It’s an unfair discrimination.”

His friend replied, “Well,…Why don’t you celebrate April 1?”

Found On Road Dead!!!

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A man owns a business and has two employees; Jane and Jack.

They are both very good employees but business has been bad and he finds he has to cut back on staff and lay one of them off. But which one? They are both equally industrious and productive.

He wracks his brains for hours and finally decides that he will watch them the next day and lay off the first one that takes a break.

Well, the next day comes and the man is watching but both Jack and Jane are being very industrious. Neither of them so much as looks up from their desk for hours. And then, finally, shortly before lunch, Jane gets up and goes to the water cooler.

The man gets up and joins her at the water cooler to deliver the bad news.

“Jane,” he says. “I have to lay you or Jack off.”

She replies, “Can you jack off? I have a headache.”

If your goal in life is to do as little as possible, and you get away with that…does that make you successful?

If love is blind and marriage is an institution, does that mean that marriage is an institution for the blind?

If you can buy more memory for your computer…why can’t people?

What does an imperfect stranger look like?

The term “free gift” never made sense to me…has anybody ever said to you…”I bought you a gift, now that will be $19.95?”

What do the manufacturers of styrofoam pack their shipments in?

Is it really possible to be completely partial?

If you pulled the wings off of a fly..would it then be called a “walk”?

If wool shrinks in water…why don’t sheep shrink in the rain?

Is it ok for vegetarians to eat animal crackers?

If a mime gets arrested, does he have the right to remain silent?
And if you SHOOT one, do you have to use a “silencer”?

If psychics are for real..why don’t they call us? Speaking of psychics, why don’t they ever win lotteries?

If contractors erect a building, when they are done why isn’t it called a built?

Did you ever stop to think…and then forget to start again?

How do you know if sour cream goes bad? And why do the containers for sour cream have expiration dates on them? Do they become FRESH, after a certain point?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

How do deer know to cross at those deer crossing signs?

Is it a coincidence that the word “politics” comes from the Latin roots with “poli” meaning many and “tics” meaning blood sucking insects?

Is it ok to ask the clerk in a book store where the section on “self-help” is?

How come Tarzan doesn’t have a beard? Or a moustache? Or long fingernails?

No disrespect intended here but, ladies, do you think Moses would have had to wander the desert so long if he would have just stopped to ask directions?

How does the bank expect you to pay the penalty fee on a check thats returned for insuffient funds…with
a check?

I made a promise to myself to get in shape and I did it! Round is a shape isn’t it?

I have my own opinions on things….
is that ok with you?

Computers allow us to make mistakes much faster than we ever could by hand.

There are two sure fire rules for a successful life: Rule#1: Don’t tell people everything you know, and,
Rule#2: Youth is wasted on the young

Yesterday, my friend called me a procastinator and I was so mad that I vowed to get even with her…soon as I get around to it.

I then asked her if she knew the meaning of the word apathy? She said, “No, and I don’t care.”

When doing any kind of writting, you should always avoid cliches like the plague.

People who are redundant by repeating themselves and saying the same thing twice really annoy me a lot.

Free advice is worth exactly what you pay for it.

Change is inevitable….except from a vending machine.

A preposition is a word that you should never end a sentence with.

I put a dollar bill into a machine that said “get change here” but nothing changed.

If the shoe fits…..buy them.

Most women would rather have beauty than brains, because men can see better than they can think.

If you want people to know where you stand….don’t bathe for a week.

I have found that the easiest way to find something I lost is to go buy another one.

Overexageration is a really really huge enormously bad habit….

Most mothers tell their daughters to marry doctors…I told mine to marry an archaeologist because the older she gets, the more interested he will be in her.

It’s easier to let the cat out of the bag than it is to get it back in the bag.

If everything seems to be coming your way, you’re probably going the wrong way on a one-way street.

I think it’s kind of mean that the word for speech impediment is “lisp”…..think about it!

Two women were talking about their lives since they had become Nursing home residents. They both agreed that life was good but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out since she and her husband had come to the nursing home.

The other woman said that her sex life was great! “The secret to great sex is this,” the woman told her, “when my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed and put both legs behind my head.

When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night!”

Ethel says, “I’m going to try that tonight!”

When Ethel’s husband is getting ready in the bathroom that night, she takes off all her clothes.

Although it’s a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head. Pretty soon, she has the other leg
behind her head as well.

After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can’t move. It’s not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom. With a shocked look on his face,
her husband yells, “For God’s sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an asshole!”