With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65-year old woman has a baby.

All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65-year old mother says, “Not Yet.”

A little while later they ask to see the baby again…and once more the mother says, “Not Yet!”.

Finally one of the anxious relatives says, “Well then… when can we see the baby?!?”.

And the elderly mother says, “When the baby cries!”.

And he asks, “Why do we all have to wait until the baby cries?”

The new mother says, “Because I forgot where I put the damn thing….”

You know you’ve had a really bad day when you find out your pregnant, and your mom is too.

You know you’ve had a really bad day when you go into the post office, come back out, get into your convertible and realize, hey I’ve never had a convertible.

You know you’ve had a bad when the cops pull you over for looking like a suspect on America’s most wanted.

You know you’ve had a bad day when you go to pick up your pay check from work and they hand you a bill.

You know you’ve had a bad when you go to church and the priest hands you a list of ins that God will forgive you for and ones he won’t.

You know you’ve had a bad day when you come home to a burning bag of shit on your front porch.

Rich, Eddie and Michael decided to visit a prostitute.

It was a slow night, so she gave the guys a deal. “You can pay by the inch.”

When Rich comes back out his friends ask, “How much did she
charge you?”

“$75 dollars,” said Rich with a wink and a smile.

Eddie goes in and returns with a fee of $85, and several “high fives.” The first two were proud of their prowess.

Michael goes in and returns. “How much did she charge you?” asks Rich.

“$20 dollars,” replies Michael.

Both Rich and Eddie started laughing hysterically.

“Hey guys,” replied Michael, “I’m not so stupid, I paid on the way out instead of on the way in!!

Several years ago Italy funded a study to determine why the head on a man’s penis is wider than its shaft. The study took 2 years and cost over $180,000.00. The results of the study concluded that the reason the head of a man’s penis is wider was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the Italian study were incorrect. After three years of research and cost in excess of $250,000.00, they concluded that the head of a man’s penis is wider than the shaft to provide the women with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the French study were released, the English decided to conduct their own study. The English didn’t really trust the Italian or French studies. So after nearly three weeks of intensive research and at a cost of approx. $36.85, the English study came to the final conclusion that the reason the head on a man’s penis is wider than its shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.

A minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.

“Nothing much, Pastor,” replied one lad. “We’re just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life.”

“Boys! Boys! Boys!” intoned the minister, “I’m shocked. When I was your age, I never even THOUGHT about sex at all.”

The boys looked at each other and then all replied, pretty much in unison, “You win, Pastor!!!”